Zen Stories

We will see

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.
"Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.
"We'll see," the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.
"How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed.
"We'll see," replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.
"We'll see," answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
"We'll see" said the farmer.

Working very  Hard

A martial arts student went to his teacher and said earnestly, "I am devoted to studying your martial system. How long will it take me to master it."
The teacher's reply was casual, "Ten years."
Impatiently, the student answered, "But I want to master it faster than that. I will work very hard. I will practice everyday, ten or more hours a day if I have to. How long will it take then?" 
The teacher thought for a moment,
"20 years."

Choose to be polite

Smile - the universal language of friendship, of being approachable and  accessible. My job as such requires me to smile, and make people welcome and I have been doing that for past 11 years. I enjoy meeting people, people from all walks of life, people in different moods, in different stages of life. People who are kind and honest, people who spread cheer, and some of them become your friends for life.
For  years, my only source of social life , were these very strangers who had may be come to fill gas, get a slush or maybe a cup of coffee. Strangers who became close friends, long after the source that got us together was long gone. Their stories have inspired me, given me hope and at times broken my heart. I consider myself very lucky to have the opportunity to befriend and form lasting relations with them, for having shared laughter and day to day trivial or life changing tribulations.
Yet for every 99 good people, you come across someone who makes you wonder if it is all worth it. The odd rude, belligerent customer, who can throw you off guard. People with anger issues, people just born grumpy, some racists, some plain old unhappy souls.  I find negative energy is stronger and stays with you longer. I have had people who made me cry, people who have looked into my eyes and sworn words that cannot be written at me, people who have been sweet talkers with the intention to steal . And all the while you are supposed to be polite and smile as if the offensive behavior is their privilege, because the customer is always right.
Seriously, I cannot imagine being rude to strangers. Most of the people who are rude are dealing with their own personal issues and all they need is a trigger to vent it off. Dealing with people is very fulfilling, helping them, listening and maybe making their day in someway by lending them a ear or giving them a smile, but believe me it takes all your inner strength to not sneer at a teen with attitude who considers Facebook profile to be a valid piece of validity, or to a customer who tells you how to do your job.
But then those 99% of wonderful people make it all worthwhile to bear the burnt of the tortured souls, who spill their pain and virulent nature on strangers.

The Art of Waiting

Patience is a trait extolled to help you lead a fulfilled life. Waiting is an art -  either you are gifted with the serenity to accept a situation as it is and not wait, or you are always jumping ahead and waiting for something to change.
I have seen some people wait in the queue for an hour without complaining, embracing the moment , and others who are impatient and are always in a rush. I am the second one. Waiting for someone or a news is the worst. Time plays a trick and slows down and every minute drags -oh how I hate waiting! It seems to me though that I am getting better with age, and learning to a certain extent  that every thing in nature needs time to ripen. If you rush in, you will end up with raw fruit or  a  bud that did not get time to bloom. or in extreme case the seed did not sprout (takes too much time and you have to water without seeing any results for days).
I realize on a certain level, that if I want to enjoy my weekend, I will have to work and wait for the 5 weekdays . Yes, however much I want I cannot rush in summer, or a full moon night or the flowers to bloom. It takes patience to learn to be patient - practice and learning from experience that rushing in is foolhardy and timing is everything.
Have you ever waited for a letter to arrive, or an important email or message? Have you ever waited for a loved one to return or your vacation to begin? Or simply waited for the water to boil?It is not easy - oh so not easy for someone like me.
I  appreciate people who are patient, who are in sync with present. Waiting can either be a form of suffering or a period of learning. It takes lot of courage to wait, lot of wisdom to accept that the right time is not here yet for change and to be happy where you are at the moment. It also makes life more fulfilled, because you are not living in the future, and are focused on the present moment.
Today technology has erased the need for waiting times to quite an extent. You are hungry, 2 minutes is the standard waiting time for a drive-thru, if you are missing someone takes seconds to call, want to watch movie, there are literally available to you at your fingertips. Which is all great, till you are faced with no skills for times when waiting becomes essential. Yes, even in these modern times the time lapse between what you want and when you get it,is possible and occurs from time to time.
One day maybe, one day I will learn to appreciate the virtue in waiting, but do I have the patience to wait for it ? I am not too sure.

Conversation in modern times

 Heady discussions, the uncontrollable laughter, or the whispered secrets in hushed tones, the art of conversation, of exchanging thoughts, sharing emotions and the satisfaction of connecting is slowly disappearing. 

Texting, chatting, has taken precedence over verbal conversation. As our list of "friends" and accessibility to rapid communication increases, it seems our effort to stay away from any genuine form of contact is increasing too. Is it because the expectations has increased and there is less filtration in our social life? Or is the defense mechanism to the invasion of excessive and ready availability to all? 

I believe because our communication is so widespread, and invades into all the aspects of life, we have started to conserve our energy by limited and safer means of expressions. A smiley face or an LOL has replaced the sound of laughter or the subtle changes in our voice tonality.

We have adapted to this one-dimensional form of communication - it is after all convenient and it is our way to  protect our privacy. A text can be ignored, a smiley face can be keyed while watching T.V. or  spending time with your family. More technology invades our lives, more we are going to defend our private life, in our own peculiar passive ways by implementing selective attention span.
Before now, I found it very hard to text - but I do appreciate the protective barrier this form of communication provides me. I don't have to use all my faculties, creating  a mechanism to evade or delay.  Although it might seem we are giving out more information about our private times considering the effect of instant communication, social media, we have to remember all these media give us the power to control what we show. Unlike face to face conversations where it is difficult to hide your real feelings  and where unspoken words are vocal and loud, words and emoticons are robotic and basically expressionless.

No Strings Attached

I have been debating about getting a pet - just because it is nice to have someone around. Someone who sort of listens to you maybe. Someone who is grateful that you have fed them or cuddled them. Someone who loves you unconditionally and you can boss around But fortunately common sense prevailed over my inflated ego and instead of getting a dog or a cat , last year I  just put up a bird-feeder in the balcony.

Earlier in the year I did buy a fish tank, but unfortunately the fish died before we could even decide on a proper name for it. After flushing down fish twice and seeing my son mourning over it proved how incapable I was of taking care of another creature. That is when the bird feeder came into picture and my no-strings attached pet story began. Now I do have the satisfaction of nature visiting my house, and also the urge to nurture is satiated
by filling up the bird feeder from time to time. I love the conferencing birds, visiting me - Blue Jays and Sparrows and occasionally a hummingbird. The constant chirping, coming and going keeps me happy although the winter season was quiet without them.

Recently our neighbor got a cat - an outdoor cat named Booker. Now, officially the tag declares him to be the pet of my neighbor, but can anyone really "own" a cat? Unlike dogs, who are bonded by their loyalty to you, cats are self-willed. I always considered myself a dog lover what with the relationship being intensely involved with you providing care, entertainment and  exercise and getting  legendary loyalty in return. But that was before I was bogged down with the responsibilities that tag along any relationship.I have now become smarter and now  Booker has joined our guest house.

 I love that we have this no-strings attached relationship. He comes and goes as and when he wishes, brushing himself against my legs , a signal to caress and pet him. I feed him, pet him, hug him too, but that is where it all ends. The perfect pet - no need to worry about paying hefty pet insurance, or where he is wandering.

So here is my pet story - simple and convenient, satisfying my need for keeping a pet . I do realize that he goes to other houses too ( I should have guessed considering how fat he has become), but there is no jealousy, no possessiveness involved.What can be better than sharing your love for pet with others?
My appreciation of cats have definitely increased and I have come to admire the fierce independence of these beautiful feline animals.

Quotes by Sylvia Plath

“If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.
 
“I am still so naïve; I know pretty much what I like and dislike; but please, don’t ask me who I am. A passionate, fragmentary girl, maybe,


“I write only because
There is a voice within me
That will not be still”

“I love my rejection slips. They show me I try.”

“With me, the present is forever, and forever is always shifting, flowing, melting. This second is life. And when it is gone it is dead. But you can't start over with each new second. You have to judge by what is dead. It's like quicksand... hopeless from the start. ”

“What a man wants is a mate and what a woman wants is infinite security.” 

Quotes on Friendship

She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.

“What is love? two souls and one flesh; friendship? two bodies and one soul.”


 My children are delightful people, whom I would love even if they weren't my children.

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.

I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.”

“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.” ―

Battling teens

A confession - this is a rant, which I am sure all other parents or guardians of teens will bear with me as for others, this is the story of sweet angels turning into attitude monsters. I guess you reap what you sow - and being a temperamental teenager myself, I should have been prepared for the karmic and cosmic justice. But, every parent has this belief that they can handle better than others- at least I was sure about it - till now.

So how do you  deal with teens?  How does a parent respond to all  "why's ?, all the "oh I didn't hear you ?"or  Why do I have to clean my room and the classic Why do I make my bed, when the sheets are going to be messed up again at night ? Why can't I have a sleepover? You get the point. It  takes every bit of self-restraint - every single ounce of patience (which I don't have a lot), every mantra to resist retorts, every muscle control to stop the hands from spanking, every bit of my energy to just hang in and let the storm pass. Honestly, although I love challenges, dealing with the concotion of hormonal imbalance and attitude tempts me at time to take a sojourn for a couple of years and join in when the Mr. Hyde has turned back to Dr. Jekyll.

The mood-swings, the sheer laziness, the sloppiness  all adds to inflame my nerves and to soar my blood to new temperature. I am reminded everyday that all the emotional outbursts, all the dramatic and exaggerated slights are a side effect of puberty. You see the teacher has prepared the kids what to expect, but unfortunately the school forgot to arm the parents with tools to deal with it. Yes, the kids these days are well-armed with excuses to deal with the behavior - after all it is not their fault, it's the chemical imbalance that would definitely have gotten me spanked in my time. Having demanded full-excuse for my behaviour while PMSing I am in no position to refute that argument .


Parenting is challenging at every age. But by the time they are 12 , you are ready to sit back and reap the rewards of a fully functioning independent individual. And then  puberty happens and sweet child turns into this unrecognizable creature who you wish had the option to disown. The kid who would do all the chores with unquestioning loyalty and work ethics, now takes a week to empty the dishwasher. "why do I have to do all the work"? is what you hear more often than not.  This constant battle to find a balance between disciplining (?)  and loving (?) has made me wearier than a war-veteran. I am beaten up, yes I admit defeat.  I do wonder if the attitude will become a habit after the hormones are settled down, or the if chemical effect is going to be permanent. I shudder to think of any of these probabilities.

 I have started praying more often for serenity, have started chanting "this too shall pass ", and am able to empathize and respect all the parents of teenagers previous and current. And while I am waiting for the storm to pass, I am faced with two obvious cures to settle my nerves - take up drinking or meditation. I am still debating - although the inclination towards the first option seems to be more likely.

Quit to win

Quitting is a word that invokes negative image, except when someone says that they are quitting smoking. We humans are a race with a strong will-power, a race where most of the success stories are written by people who pursued, who kept on marching till they reached their goal. The stories always fail to mention what was the cost of following it through, what sacrifices were made or how it affected people around them. I am not a quitter and because of it I know that sometimes the price you pay for just going on is not worth it.  We all go on not always for noble reasons, our egos, our blind optimism all play a role in it.

Does quitting means you are loser?The stories that inspire us are generally of people who have succeeded because of perseverance. Yet we rarely get glimpse into the cost of following the path unwaveringly. I am all for perseverance, for following your dreams provided you are doing it for the right reasons and if the cause is worth it. There is no use beating up a dead horse. But when do we know it is time to quit or more aptly change the course of your travel?

Many a times in our life, when we hang on to our relations, our jobs, our causes long after they have lost their purpose and our interest. We hang in because quitting is for losers and our big egos cannot  handle the fact that the time invested was futile . Again by the time we realize that the cause/relation/job was not worth it (if we ever do), we are too deep into the crap to come out clean.

Yet it is said to win the war there are times when you have to lose some battles. We all are fighting some battle or other all our life. Quitting is not always defeatist, sometimes it is the wisest thing to do. After all our emotional and material resources are not limitless.

The three signs which I feel signal that it's time to move on are :

1. When you realise that what you have invested is more than the returns you are expecting.
2. It has started affecting your health and your relations with others.
3. Your emotional resources are drying up and you are burning out.

Quitting takes more courage than persevering in many ways. Realizing and accepting that you have made a mistake and to publicly acknowledge  it can be a humbling experience, an experience that either make you better and kinder person or  bitter and cynical.

A pinch of inspiration

 “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” - Michael Jordan

 ”We see things not as they are, but as we are.” - H. M. Tomlinson

“In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.” - Theodore Roosevelt

 “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain

 “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” - Bill Cosby

 “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” - George Eliot

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today.”

“Strength doesn’t come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t.”

 “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” - Michael Jordan

Of gardening and outsourcing.

Spring is here for sure. Cherry Blossoms have given way to fresh green leaves, shutting out the view of the river that was visible because of the bare leaves. Every store has their selection of annuals and perennials, all displayed enticing your hands to reach for your wallet and take some of the colours and beautify your homes.

For years now I have given into the temptation of having the picture perfect garden in my house. Every year, I go and buy some annuals and bulbs, herbs and maybe perennials with foolish optimism of a novice. Every year, I plant the flowers in the flowerbeds and bring home the collection of perfect blooms in the baskets smiling at the thought of bringing home some beauty. And every year after a couple of weeks all that is left are some wilted leaves dried up flowers. I have even tried planting some vegetables years ago, with similar results – a pathetic looking  cucumber or if I am lucky couple of sick looking tomatoes.

Talk about not having a green thumb. I do try my best, but I guess I am just not a good nurturer. Gardening is so much like parenting, involving nourishing, weeding and knowing when to prune or replant. I envy people who know instinctively how much to water, when to move the plants out in the sun and when to fertilize. I have given in to all the claims right from “hardy” plants to miracle fertilizers, but as yet have had no success. My only claim would be to have 5-6 strawberries (I am not inclined to discuss their quality or size) that my plant bore last year.

So this spring, I have let someone else take care of the garden. I can see that  my tenant has readied the flowerbed and planted some flowers too. I do hope to enjoy the beauty of my garden and my neighbours. Finally I understand the joys and wisdom of outsourcing and plan to stick to it till it is possible.

The common thread

In this diverse world, only one thing unifies us. It is the array of emotions that we all face that is the common denominator. We may not understand each others languages, each others religious concepts or other cultural nuances. We may not share the same type of food - while one might be pure vegetarian, the other might be eating insects for all that matters. Our opinions about the global events will be differing too, depending on the social and cultural upbringing, yet there is something common. Something that defines us all as a human race. Not our speech, not that we can walk on our two feet, not even our intelligence, or our desire to progress, but it is our ability to feel emotions that humanize us.
I know in the present society higher intelligence level is given a preferred status. Yet what makes us really different from other species is our ability to laugh, cry, love and convey the same to each other through means of body language. Nothing says I care better than a hug, or a disapproval than a frown. It doesn't matter which part of the planet you live in, it doesn't matter if you live in a palace or a shack, we all share the same expressions for happiness, and sorrow. A smile, a warm hug, sharing a cry with someone, all are part of universal language.
Love, disappointment, sorrow, heartbreaks feel the same for everyone. Yet instead of sharing our aspirations and dreams  that unifies us, supporting and showing compassion for our fellow humans,we are always  bent on finding traits that differentiate  each other on the basis of religion, language and color. The more we learn to appreciate what unifies us as human race, the better we will understand each other.

Summer in India....

Summer was hot in Aurangabad. It generally began around the time of Holi – in the first of second week of March. Schools ended in mid April, when it was scorching hot, hot enough to burn your skin within minutes. Not that it mattered to us. Summer meant freedom, freedom from the daily routine of school. Chores were unheard of – the many privileges of growing up with maids. Fathers in India at that time were the primary providers. Memories of summer involved friends, relatives and neighbors. The line was blurry to say the least between all these different relations. Last day of school was celebrated with watching television till late or may be going out for dinner or an ice cream.
The long stretching days along with the scorching heat ensured that afternoons were spent indoors playing carom board, cards or reading books. Evenings were spent riding bikes, going for walks or just loitering around. Summer vacation meant spending time with matriarchal side of my family. It was usually a norm then and those wonderful time spent with cousins ensured a bond and memories to last a lifetime.
Visually, summer was not pretty for sure, the parched dry land, cracked and thirsty for rain, dusty and the blinding bright sun. The saving grace was the Gulmohar trees, bursting into flames – I still can feel the touch of the petals running through my fingers or the evergreen Neem trees. The unexpected whiff of Jasmine’s fragrance that you catch while just walking down the street, embeds deep into your memory.
Afternoons were lazy, the water coolers with the sweet smell of Khus khus, whizzing by hypnotically slowly carrying you into drowsy sleep. The heat outside ensured that you were imprisoned in your own home for the day. Afternoons were also time to splurge into the juicy mangoes – mangoes of all sizes, shapes and tastes. Memories of summer always bring back the taste of mangoes and watermelons. I still cannot get myself to bring watermelon in cooler temperatures. The messy hands and messier clothes, the pure enjoyment in living in the present, no cares and no goals, that is what summer was all about. No vacation to plan, no holidays to schedule, no camps, just endless time and books – yes lots and lots of books for me. This was the time when I didn’t have to hide my novel inside my geography book pretending to study for exams. I could read out in the open and read as much as I wanted.
Summer also meant sleepovers in the open air, sprinkling water on the parched ground to cool it. Counting stars while braving the greedy blood sucking mosquitoes and  talking to heart out with friends or cousins, sleeping till the sounds of chirping birds woke you up.

Quotes by Stephen King

“Get busy living or get busy dying.” 

“Alone. Yes, that's the key word, the most awful word in the English tongue. Murder doesn't hold a candle to it and hell is only a poor synonym.” 

“Friends.
They aren’t any such thing as good friend or bad friend.
Maybe there are just friend.
People who stand by you when you're hurt and who helped you feel not so lonely.
Maybe there are worth being scared for and hoping for and living for.
Maybe worth dying for too.
If that what has to be.
No bad friends.
Only people you want.
Need to be with.
People who build their houses in your heart.” 

“Show me a man or a woman alone and I'll show you a saint. Give me two and they'll fall in love. Give me three and they'll invent the charming thing we call 'society'. Give me four and they'll build a pyramid. Give me five and they'll make one an outcast. Give me six and they'll reinvent prejudice. Give me seven and in seven years they'll reinvent warfare. Man may have been made in the image of God, but human society was made in the image of His opposite number, and is always trying to get back home.” 

“There's no harm in hoping for the best as long as you're prepared for the worst.” 

Stop to Recharge

 Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.- Anton Chekov.
We are all different, we all handle stress differently.One common thread that joins us together is the wear and tear of living. Not just making a living, but the other peripheral stuff that has become a necessary part of our survival.  Multitasking is sometimes the only way we can get through all the to-do list that we have for the day. Although I am not a fan of multitasking, that is the only way I can make through my day. Work, family, kids, social commitments,all add up and sometimes fill to the brim of our tolerance level. Weekends are sometimes crazier than weekdays. The clock like precision with which we work, where every minute counts, can take a toll on our body and mind.

Everyday we keep on adding to previous days stressful experiences - just marching on , believing that we are ready to receive the next day. We march on till  our body says its enough and gives in to a flu or cold or just plain tiredness. Come to think of it. We earn so that we can eat well, sleep well, yet how many of us can truthfully say they are eating well everyday? Many of us are eating on the run, eating while driving, skipping hours of sleep at time to finish work.

Unwinding everyday is an essential criteria in maintaining a good health. Some unwind by watching comedy, some by exercising and maybe for someone else it would just be playing and listening to the gurgling laughter of a child. It could even be playing with your pet, gardening or listening to music. Most of us do try and unwind, but if the schedule gets busier, our leisure time is also the first to go.From time to time, we all need to detoxify our lives. Vacation may not be possible for all, but to have that one day in a week (realistically for many a  month), where time stops - no looking at the clock, no schedule to follow, no information to process ( meaning no news ), can be just the medicine the doctor has prescribed. Just hearing the chirping of the birds or the rain fall, just observing the hustling of leaves or flowers dancing with breeze- or a sunset ,just observing no judging can clean your mind of the grime that collects with our day to day living. Dust it everyday and even a couple of minutes a day will be enough. So,stop and smell the roses, stop and admire this beautiful creation of God,stop in your steps and breath in the fresh air. Stop and recharge.

Problem Solving

Set your goal, make all your optional and fall back plans,  but focus one step at a time.  If you look too far ahead, you will trip and fall.
Break down your goals into smaller achievable targets. This will help in living in the moment and the problem doesn't seem insurmountable.
Visualizing that you are surrounded by angels protecting you,definitely makes you feel powerful. It might be angels, God, Supreme Being or spirit of your ancestors, whenever you feel the need for support, believe that you are not alone. Yes - I have got the power !
Breathe in and breathe out - you are alive. The only time you will be free of problems is when your heart stops beating. So be grateful for whatever comes your way. No, all problems are not that easily resolved. Some take time and all of your energy, leaving you drained out. This is the test of faith - blind trust in that in the end all turns out good.
Build your support system. Surround yourself with positive and loving people. People who believe in you, who have been through the ups and downs in life and know that it is the darkest before dawn.  People who will listen through your rant, give you a shoulder to cry and when you are going too deep in self-pity, tell you to shut up and keep quiet.
Don't wait for hardships or bad times . Prepare yourself when you are doing good in life by  helping others when you have the positive energy.  Every opportunity you get to help somebody, treat it like a blessing and act. Karma works in strange ways and you will always need the brownie points in your life .
Listen for signs. When all you hear are bad news, beware it is the universe telling you to prepare. And from my experience, the opposite is true too.
The aftermath of any loss in life is intense. Replenishing the energy is important - healing your body and soul takes time. Nourish and cherish it.
When you are going through easy times, everything just comes to you. Going with the flow is going in the right direction.
Lying low during tough times is a wise thing to do. Wait for the storm to blow over. Resisting against, fighting will drown you faster. Just hold on to faith and hang in.
Never ever take decisions when you are emotionally drained out. Hasty decisions have long repercussions.
Time seems to not just drag, but stop when the going gets tough. Patience comes in handy and so do prayers. Try and learn the lesson that it is teaching you. Every incident in your life teaches you a lesson. 
Gratitude goes a long way. Every minute being grateful for the support you have, for the food, shelter keeps your focus on the larger picture. Whatever problem you are facing, it is just a tiny  piece of this big puzzle called life.


 

 

Khalil Gibran - On marriage

On Marriage
 Kahlil Gibran
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.


Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.


Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Self-love

"I love myself and I am the best”. Is it easy for you to say this sentence with full conviction? Really believing every word of it? If so, congratulations as you are already on the path to success and happiness. Why is it so easy someone to believe that they are special and there is no one better than them and on the other hand take a lifetime for someone like me to believe that I am not bad?

Confidence and high self-esteem are the two crucial traits for success in life. Are these traits learned or are they inherent? I am not sure, but all I know that self-assurance is a much sought out trait. On the other hand the deeper you dig into yourself; the harsher you will judge yourself. We all know people, (I have two in my house), who are never wrong and then there are others who end up analyzing and judging all actions.

The struggle with self-doubt, to be conscious of our flaws does make us more human and better human beings. The flip side of believing that you are the best is feeling that no one can compare to you, as you  start to distance yourself from others. You are assuming that no one else is better than you and it gives a false sense of security. I would love to have that self-confidence, because the claws of nagging doubts gnaw on your soul, resulting in maybe jealousy or envy.

I wish I was like my son and could look into mirror and love myself. Isn’t that the ultimate purpose of all spiritual journeys – to be able to believe that you need no validation for your existence except your self-love?

People like me, have to consciously and consistently practice positive attitude. Being aware of all your thoughts is the first step in cultivating positive attitude. You can then deliberately choose to ponder on thoughts that will foster happiness and boost confidence. It is a journey which I do one day hope to complete. A journey where I am comfortable with being who I am - not the best -but just being me. 

Hemmingway's words

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?”

“Courage is grace under pressure.” 

 The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”


“The first and final thing you have to do in this world is to last it and not be smashed by it.”

“No, that is the great fallacy: the wisdom of old men. They do not grow wise. They grow careful.”

Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be. But what will happen in all the other days that ever come can depend on what you do today.

 

Schooling and Learning.

The purpose of good schooling is to train children to be fully equipped to deal with the world as an adult – adults with characters and knowledge that will lead the society to grow and prosper. If that isn’t the purpose I don’t know why we spend years learning about subjects that don’t matter in day to day living. You learn history – but what about lessons from history? Geography – my favorite but are you instilling in them a love for mother earth? Science is great if it increases your curiosity to learn more and dispel myths. As for Mathematics and language, they are the tools that lay the foundation for your life after school. Lots to learn and add to it the array of electives you get to choose from, school life can be perplexing. Yet I dare to say at the expense of my kids getting mad at me, these are topics that should be made mandatory in schools.

Ø      Ethics: Teaching a teen what constitutes right or wrong, will help them in making ethically right decisions in future. Good work ethics will lead us to develop a generation of honest and socially conscious adult with a realization that interest of society and the world is higher than personal growth.?  Instilling in children the awareness of working towards a larger goal is more important than just teaching them how great Napoleon Bonaparte was.

Ø      Stress Management: Honestly nothing will be more useful than learning how to deal with stress when you go out in the world. Stress cannot be avoided, but yes we all can find means to deal with it and you are never too young to learn that.

Ø      Financial Management: In today’s time, teaching teens the importance of not only making money but managing it wisely is very important. Not to say that all kids will be handling their finances wisely as adults, but at least they would have a better understanding of how to make their money work for them.

Ø      Etiquette:This wouldn’t have made it to the list, if the disregard for any form of politeness wasn’t so obvious in the youth or adults. Showing consideration towards others is what it is all about, and what better age and place than schools to teach them.

Ø      Compassion: I sincerely believe nurturing a fine heart is as important as training your mind. Happiness is impossible without having compassion or empathy for others. No religious sermons, no spirituality, just plain old compassion and good heart.

I wish I knew when I was 18

Wish somebody had told me when I was 18 that

1. Time flies when you are having fun, no wonder childhood and youth seem to be over so fast. Savor every moment.
2. Take more risks. Youth is when time is on your side. Go out and test your limitations.
3. When they say these are the best days, believe it. Before long your body and your heart and mind will not be in sync. Your mirror will start to lie about your age.
4.Grab every opportunity you have to learn and grow. You cannot learn always from others mistakes. Step out of your comfort zone and make your own sense of life.
5.When it feels wrong – it most probably is so. And if in doubt ask your parents or adults with experience. 
6. Travel , explore and open up your mind. Unlearn what school and your parents taught you and develop your own values and opinions.
7.It is probably the best you will look – so love how you look. You will regret not looking your best when you looked your best.
8. Break some rules. You have the whole life ahead of you to follow them. Just remember, there are always consequences to your action and some will change your life forever.
9.You study to be able to support yourself. Financial independence is the reason most of us go to college. No one will be paying your bills. Keep that goal in mind always.
10. There will always be people smarter, prettier , nicer than you now. That in no way undermines your credibility. Everyone peaks at different pace, your time will come,just be ready for it. Your job is to be the best you can always.You owe it to yourself.

Commitment

The basis of any relationship in my mind is respect and love. Being “in love” doesn’t last forever, at least not for everyone. The challenges of life can put a strain on the best of relationships. It would be foolish to expect the “happily married” persona to have no conflicts ever in life. Any healthy relationship needs dissent now and then.
Marriage is a commitment to mutually grow and share our sorrows and happiness and to raise kids in a secure and happy environment. But it takes two to tango, and both have to be equally committed to keep the marriage healthy and alive. Some decay the natural way – day to day living taking its toll, others giving in to the distrust and bitterness making the partnership toxic.
Calling a marriage failure when it ends in divorce is unfair. Who is to say that all who stay married are happy? It takes courage to recognize to walk away and paradoxically it also takes courage to stay and work on your relation.
16 years of marriage has taught me not to take it for granted. Tend your relationship with love and care, strengthen your roots right from the beginning, so that when times get tough, you are ready. 5 things that I have learnt in my marriage
1. Don’t keep tabs on who said what or did wrong. You are both on the same team.
2. Forgive – that is the only way to survive. Forgetting is harder.
3. Digging up old grievances gets you nowhere. Love is fragile – don’t expose it to negativity too much.
4. Smooth sailing is a myth – all marriages go through ups and downs. Hold on to all the good memories – they will be your savior when the times get rough.
5. Detox your relation from time to time. Get everything out of your chest and start afresh – clean and lighter.
A good marriage is a healthy mix of luck and hard work. A healthy marriage makes you a better person – I have learnt to appreciate kindness, and my spouse the power of saying no. We both have changed over the years and I would like to believe for better. We are absolutely different in personalities, have very few common likes or passions, but what we do share the one most important thing- our commitment and values to give our children a happy and secure home.

The Sanctity of Words

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A wise person once said, “Speak only if you can improve upon the silence”.

Words can be empty as in broken promises, be twisted out of context or spice up an incident or tarnish a reputation.

If used with compassion they can soothe an aching heart and give hope for a better tomorrow. But most words are just waiting impatiently to rush out, many rhetoric and meaningless, just a mean to fill in our insecurity and fear of loneliness. 

As you grow older and supposedly wiser, you realize how important it is to choose your words carefully. The follies of the youth, rushing in without thinking has gotten me into trouble many times, making it sort of mandatory now to think twice before I speak. Not that I always succeed in it, but I have realized that silence cannot be twisted, silence cannot be misinterpreted, or hurt someone by backbiting or gossiping. Silence stays put and unlike words do not travel. They are most degraded when used frivolously in small talks socially. Just like empty soap bubbles.  Yet used sincerely they can save a life. What you say and how you say it makes all the difference. They are most powerful, when used with love and sincerity. Words that come through the route of heart – a good heart can never hurt anyone.

On the other hand, the means to express thoughts are just that – not anything more or less. Communication is a two way process – what message reaches you depends on how you want to perceive and understand it. We chaff the message according to our state of mind.

Choosing words wisely and sparingly is easier said than done. The need to fill the void with empty words is too tempting to resist and being a woman who loves to talk, I know that it is almost impossible. But all I can do is try and make sure that I don’t use them to slander anyone or to hurt anybody.  Try is the big word here, because when anger or jealously takes control, all your good intentions fly out of the window.

Treat it with respect and you will be empowered, but whatever be the case –and depending on who is on the receiving end – words can be inspiring or shallow and empty.

Attitude matters.

Looking out of the window, I smile when I see that my lawn has been mowed, the flower beds all ready with fresh soil and of course the new addition of a swing and slide set in the backyard.The new  tenant was at work again.  Things have changed in the last seven months.

Last year in May, our  new tenant moved in with her baby. Our earlier tenants were people we knew, and had been with us for two years. The fact they decided to move, during a difficult phase in our lives, left us with no choice but to rent out the place to someone who was a total stranger. Maybe it was circumstances under which she moved ( she had separated from her boyfriend), or the fact that being consumed  by my own problems, made me too selfish to see other people’s point of view, whatever be the case, we started out on a wrong foot. Right from day one, the barrage of complains started to roll in. Everyday I dreaded coming home to a new voice message- with the usual set of complains,  the carpets needed cleaning, the walls repainted, the shower nozzle has broken , or the kids making too much of noise – you get the point. I avoided switching on my answering machine, and in my own way delaying the subtle expenses implied in her messages.

After a couple of weeks of unspoken hostility, I decided to take action and put an end to all the negativity that was draining me emotionally. Change in my attitude was the only feasible solution.  Instead of looking at the whole incident from my point of view, I tried to listen to what she was actually trying to say without my worries or my problems clouding the information. .  Just changing the channel to a more receptive frequency made me less agitated and more compassionate. Comprehending and accepting  that her fears were genuine - after all she was moving into a new place with a baby, and considering that the dilly dallying in responding to her demands was obvious; she had every reason to distrust me,till I could prove her wrong.  I was as much a stranger to her as she was to me. With no history to prove it otherwise, she wasn't wrong in being overtly cautious.

It is amazing how the moment I decided to listen and be empathetic, her aggressive behavior mellowed down too. Trust is built on experience and today I do have to say that the dynamics have changed for better. It is not easy to send positive vibes when somebody is bent on making life difficult for you- no way but sometimes  it is only way.We are auto tuned to respond to how others feel towards us – all of us. And today when I see her son playing in the backyard, I smile at how we can save a relationship by just choosing to listen.

A Good life

The sudden death of a dear friend five years ago, changed my perspective of life and death. She was just 38 and I had talked to her just a couple of hours before her death.Her loss was a wake-up call for me. I just couldn't keep on postponing things for later, because there might be no later. Until her death,I was under the foolish  illusion that I was immune to any such disaster, as if age matters. And because she was in a similar age group, it really hit me hard - especially the realization how ill-prepared I was .The next few months were spent in finding suitable guardians for the kids and writing a will. All I can say is it wasn't a pleasant experience- uncomfortable to say the least.

No word is more dreaded than death. It's ironical that the one thread that is common with all beings that are alive is death and its unpredictability.  Yet, what is certain and universal, has so much of negative connotations. Although it does sound morbid, in our struggle to make living, we do tend to fret about matters which will not matter in the end. To live life fully, we have to be aware every moment about  the fragility of life.

A good life is living honestly .Being true to yourself and  your essence is all that matters in the end. Of course we all have a  bucket list, which may or may not be fulfilled. Yet in this very moment, if I can say with conviction that all I need is what I have at this very moment, I have lived my life. This is not to say that we should not have any dreams, or keep any goals, that would be sheer laziness, but to be happy and grateful in this very moment, is what makes you complete.Mark Twain said  it the best,  “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time".

Decision making and setting priorities in life definitely becomes easier and so does forgiving and loving ,if you keep the final destination in mind. For someone like me , who likes to overthink everything, it definitely helps to ask this single question that is the base for all my decisions -"Will it matter in the end?".