A dash of magic

How do we know when to quit,when to slow down? Life seems to go by faster as you grow older. I have wishlists, unfulfilled dreams about places I want to visit, desires to meet people who will make me look at the world differently, to experience all the flavors in life, to just explore. We all want different things in life - some want to accumulate wealth, some knowledge and some experiences and some just want to lead a life in simple appreciation and meditation. There is no right or wrong way of living, only right or wrong reasons for the paths we choose in life.

We venture out on our own in our late teens, armed and molded into what our parents want us to be. Very few of us are fortunate enough to know what they want from life at that early age. Most of our dreams and life path have already been chalked by our parents - consciously or sub-consciously making our lives a by-product of the lives our parents dreamed of.  Ultimately we end up just proxy living, or just existing, squandering away the opportunity to experience life as uniquely as we can.

Where is life?  In our breath, in our memories, in others memories? If life is all about moments, and every moment is past, what is real? When I look back, the highlights of my life are random moments when I was present, not just the milestones. We are composites of not only our genetic makeup and upbringing, but also every person, every experience that we let touch us emotionally. A hug, a smile, a glance, kind and loving words, all collected and assimilated into our very core being.  I am not what I was a year ago - we all change, we have to or we stop living.

Life is magical, I want to dream of magic - every snowflake, every sunset, every cloud formation, every breath  a miracle. Scientific facts and reasoning is all fine, but at this stage of my life, I want to experience life  through the eyes of a child - looking at every incident of life with wonder. As we grow older, there is a tendency for drabness to set in - with all our responsibilities, and just the day to day activities to exist. We all need a dash of magic, of wishful thinking, of dreaming of stars and far away lands, Dream of fairies, of powers beyond our understanding.

A healthy dose of escapism never did harm anybody. Some take to mind altering drugs,some to fantasy books. some turn to music or movies, and some take repose in their imagination - day dreaming. Looking at our day beyond our work, bills, relationship issues, is how we discover life.

Quest for happiness

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know " Ernest Hemmingway.  

Is there a perfect recipe to life?  Am I just slipping into a meaningless life? Can I enhance my life experience more? Questions that come to haunt me time and again. Logically a happy person, should not be questioning  his/her lifestyle, They should be too busy experiencing life to question and wonder. But here I am. I consider myself to be a fairly happy person. I know I live a blessed life, and not a day goes by when I am not thankful.

Yet on the same note, there are days, days when my head is not engrossed in problems of the day gone by, when I question my ability to live the life to the fullest. An anxiety attack, a bad day at work, a twinge of loneliness, all triggers in my journey to look deep down and question my life and if it is what was mean to be.

There are people, vivacious and genuinely jovial people, and then there are serious souls like me. We question, we think deep, feel deep and hurt deep. Life cannot be without a meaning. Everything needs to have a meaning. I find that as we grow older, as the kids start weaning away emotionally and becoming their own person, we need to find new purpose in life. We tend to  reevaluate our life.

The nudging thought of not having done enough, of having to prove myself, of feeling that I could be doing more, all the ingredients to destroy a perfectly content life. Life is meant to be lived in the present, and we are just where we are supposed to be. Simple isn't it? And also the truth. Yet the mind can play games of not only discontentment but also question the reason for our  very existence. There is no reasoning, only questioning.Questions with no easy answers, questions that I wish didn't exist.

The wave of existential issue fade out, when the day to day living take over. And then in the battle of day to day survival, living becomes hazy. 

Parenting an adult

The long nagging sessions are  finally over.I am at peace. All the futile lectures, all the threats, the blackmails in the name of discipline coming to its natural end., culminating in a responsible adult. First phase of parenting a child giving way to parenting an adult.Our conversations have evolved this summer from my "you should do this", to discussing  his favourite band, or a book he would like to read or my take on his favourite TV show.. Our relatioship has evolved - slowly over the years from a nurturer to a friend, from him beng a dependent, to in many ways a productive contributor to the househole.  Ambitious first generation immigrant mom had given way to a westernized open-minded it is your life mom. And I am loving the new changed dynamics.

To give you the background, my son is quite like me - we are both dreamers - although my ability to dream was lost in the process of growing old, his seems to have taken wings as he grew older.The fodder for both has been books.After all the  Mills and Boons are as real as the fantasy world of dragons.. As parents, we have the desire to protect our kids, to ensure their  success and at times we go to ridiculous lengths to do so. In my enthusiasm to guide my kids to a better life, brighter future, I forgot that we are different personalities and  generation apart. Somewhere in the process of growing up, my two year genius (every parent fantasizes that), blossomed into a regular confused  hormone infused teenager.

The transition from being a doting parent, trying to impose my idea of success and good life on my son, to being a friend  has not been  easy and to be honest I am still in the process of learning to trust his decisions. But there have been few grains of truth that I am trying to clasp in my fist.

1. Give respect to receive respect - a simple rule that applies to all relationships, works here too.
2. Listen. Period. I have always been so busy trying to impose my thoughts on my kids, trying to imbibe values, that along the way, I stopped listening Listening and empathizing makes you a good friend
3 And as with every adult relationship, give space, set boundaries and have fun. You can breathe now - your kid is alive and healthy and an adult.
4. Life is life - tough, easy, unpredictable. Let it reveal itself to them. Don't let your cynicism trickle down to them. Let them exerience  life in their own unique way.
5. Finally, their success, their failure, their heartbreaks, will hurt you more, even rendering you helpless. You will be  questioning  your own ability as a parent, you will in reflex want to just reach out and solve their problems, don't. .Let go. It is their life. You are the safety net, but they have to trapeze through life on their own.
6. Don't stop showing and telling that you love them. Love unconditionally.

So here I am , not defeated, but defintely wiser, because last time I had a ""talk" with my son, it was more on the lines of - life is too short, but take time to fnd your passion and don't forget to have fun. In the process of his journey to discover his true passion, I hold on to the secret, that I hope to find my passion one day too.

Clueless

"I have no idea" or another version of the same phrase, is the phrase that I have learnt to embrace. When you have teens in the house, this is the most often phrase, and sometimes, the only words that tumble out . Any question, any opinion, and the answer is a version of the same - I don't know. A phrase that frustrated me , has become a mantra for me. I have grown into the phrase, learnt the true meaning of living .. maybe I do have an idea.

Navigating this journey of life, does any of us have any clue about literally anything? Here I am 45 years of learning to live life to the full potential, still clueless, about my purpose in life.Either my kids have taken after me, or I am still stuck in the teenage zone. But  on a serious note, isn't it the perfect way to live,without a road map, without a clue, without any agenda, being open to all the possibilities in the world. 

Maybe this the route to happiness - to nirvana. To be clueless - to have no plans ( I detest plans), to just live life as it unfolds, one day at a time. Maybe life is not meant to be figured out. 

We go through phases of life, small successes, giving us the confidence, magnified failures jolting us back to how the universe has its own agenda that doesn't revolve around us. I have been surprised, disappointed, reached a point of despair, where nothing really mattered and yet  have bounced back, like so many others,  beaten and molded, but not broken. And how we respond to  these insignificant successes and failures, defines our personality. Our empathy stems from our failures - without our disappointments, we would all be arrogant fools.

Maturity is an indication of knowing who you are, yet there are some of us, still trying to figure out our purpose in life. We age, we grow maybe wiser, with time softening this restless feeling of not being where you are supposed to be, this nudging feeling of wanting to explore.

There is one interesting thing about people who are unsure about who they are, they are always trying to figure out their purpose in life, they are so busy discovering aspects about themselves, they have no time to settle down into something familiar Yet time and again in this search for self, in this search for purpose, I realize that maybe I am just supposed to be a participant. Take whatever comes my way, just enjoy the ride. No expectations, no disappointments.

Lessons in life

1. Nothing in life is free. Every choice, every path we take, we pay a price for it.
2. People are scared to show their fears . Self preservation at times drives us to lie not only to others but also to ourselves.
3.Nothing stays forever - change is perpetual and when we accept it, we learn to enjoy the ride.
4. We are all equipped with a self-destruct button. Use it fearlessly to reinvent yourself. Change demands adaptation.
5. Consider every day to  be your last - meditate on your mortality - makes it easier to set your priorities.
6. We see others as we are- so next time look deep in before you find faults in others.
7. Happiness is a choice - we choose and although at times we might let outside factors ruffle our feathers, only we are responsible for our happiness
8. You can choose to stay safe and contended or choose to live life. Living demands courage and resilience, staying alive is easier.
9.Take risks - calculated risks - risks in love, in your career. Be bold. Step out of the comfort zone. Be prepared to rise after a fall.
10. You will be disappointed,, betrayed, heartbroken, or feel simply let down . Cry, be angry and let it go. If  you can keep your heart kind and soft as you grow older, you are a winner.

In transition.

There is something fascinating about transience. Sitting on my deck watching the blue sky being overpowered by the darkness, I discover freedom in surrendering. Being a rebel by nature, I like to question order in life. I don't want to  be boxed in, to give up on my right to change mind, and to question all that is supposed to be right.  The problem is, this results in conflict - in thoughts, in my own quest to forcibly change my perception of living. In short, my mind is a constant battlefield, yes even in my dreams. 

Yet a walk in the woods, watching the sun set, or just listening to the birds converse happily, seem like a lullaby to the tired mind. The realization that my existence is temporary and uncertain, puts things in the right perspective. Watch the grass grow, even when you have people walking over it, watch the claws of trees hanging on tight to life, or just how the dead can transform into  new life and you find motivation to move forward. 

Yet the most profound is how there is this balance of resistance and letting go. If the trees didn't resist every storm, there would be none standing, or if the rocks didn't resist the flowing water, there would be no music to play. But when there is the need to give in, they just do so without question. I am in constant resistance, as like  most of us living in the modern life isolated by other living elements in our day to day life. We are taught to be warriors, to fight, to never give up, never give in - which is all great but can be tiring. We need a break - a break from our beliefs, from our opinions, from our expectations. We need to take a sojourn from time to time - not physically but also mentally. 

I need to go into the woods, need to watch the stars shyly show themselves up - safe in the shadows of darkness, need to feel the breeze, to smell the flowers, to hear the birds, the water flow, to just reaffirm my belief that I don't control everything . To reassure that change is fine, and no change is also fine, to just breathe and be me - no work in progress, no improved me - just me.

Opt to Live

“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited.” - Sylvia Plath

For days now I have been trying to find time and words to vent out my emotions, unsuccessfully. Time and again we are faced with the realities of life and its final destination. Life  is merciless, or to be more precise, it is indifferent to all our queries of its apparent injustice. I got  initiated  years ago to the unpredictability of life, yet memories fade and we slip into our comfort zone. 

Whenever we are faced with the question of our mortality, we tend to reevaluate our priorities. All the what ifs, all the I want to, gain prominence. People you take for granted, dreams in the backburner, your own growth as a person , everything starts to emerge from the shadows. There is a thing about this modern life. We live mindlessly. In the name of being busy, we just fast forward our life. Being busy is not an achievement, it is just skipping on building moments that can be memorable. 

I can't say for others, but for me, weekdays merge into one block of hazy memory of nothing. I love what I do, yet there is always this thought niggling at the back of my mind if I am doing the best of what I can with this life? If I am being true to myself and if I am missing out on living?  Life is limitless and full of possibilities and I want the choice to choose the possibilities. I want to have the courage step out, to explore, to stretch the limits to where I feel uncomfortable.  When you are a natural optimist, it is easier to believe in all that you want, but for a pessimist/realist, you are grounded by your experiences and that limits you to try and fly into lands of unknown. 

Peeling off our layers of prenotions set by our experience requires contemplation which in turn requires our minds to be still. We keep ourselves busy, because it is the easiest way to live , and because either we are too  lazy to live any other way or maybe because it is a scary experience and we might not like what we see. All of us at some time faced the relentless restlessness, the splinter in our soul that just keeps nagging us  and which we learn to live with. Yet when we stop to feel it, we realize that it has been embedded too deep. This restless feeling, this lack of belonging, is washed away by our day to day living, just occasionally leaving a stain behind as a reminder, which we choose to ignore. 

I would be lying if I don't think about options - options in career, in lifestyle (living on an island sounds great or maybe a cabin in the woods or maybe classy downtown), yet dreaming the improbable is what makes us human and real. 

I truly believe that to be a better human being, to live life to the fullest, to experience life like only we can do, we need to know ourselves. Time and again , we need to unload the junk mail in our head and heal the bruises to our hearts.  Rushing through life is not living. I cannot experience all I want, I cannot be all I want, but there is a liberation when you are aware of your desire 

Sweating the small stuff

All our living consists of moments. Moments of happiness, sadness, but most of it, moments of mundane actions and living. Isn't our life mostly composed of day to day living?  Living life for most of us is built of small stuff.  Going to work, paying bills, chores and the list goes on. Our happiness are small - a beautiful sunset. a beautiful dress, or maybe just your child's laughter or a hug.  Our worries are also the small stuff  - mostly dealing with day to day living like work, money and our family. In the process of  everyday life, we tend to forget the bigger picture - that this too shall pass.  At times, after a hard day at work, you wonder, where is your life going. How much do we actually need to live a comfortable life? There are those, who are driven by their ambition, by their passion and those who are still finding themselves. People who find meaning and satisfaction in work are  fortunate. They have a direction in life. And there are others who are searching perpetually for the source of happiness.

I find myself searching for purpose of living.  I find myself looking inward to make sense of our senseless lives - our squabbles, our insecurities and our obsession with succeeding.The intense need  to reach . somewhere and to be somebody. Our fears and insecurities drive us, rather than love and passion.

I am  a restless soul in many ways,always looking for adventures. I am learning to love the day to day living. It is a long process for a  certified  novice. Adventures are fine - spontaneous living  is great, yet to really live in the moment, to enjoy life, we need to be happy where we are right now. It is not easy. I find my mind drifting from the present, dreaming about travels or dwelling in the past. Yet my soul is looking moments  where I can truthfully say right now I am where I am supposed to be... nothing less and nothing more. No complains, no desires, just simple acceptance. Those moments are not as frequent as they should be.

There are days when all these seemingly small stuff like earning a living and constantly learning overwhelm me. The urge to quit and crawl back into my cave is stronger some days, yet I know that overcoming the day to day challenges  are make me stronger although the fear that it may break me seems too  real at times. So here accepting that time is not just slipping by Knowing when to quit for the right reasons is the key to living. We need to appreciate the small stuff, learn to love the ordinary life to live to the fullest and be at peace, knowing we have all that we need right here, right now.

Pretentiously wiser

I am a big proponent of thinking- yet ironically all the thinking has made me realize the futility of thinking. Now, if you get the gist.... My defining moments in life have  come sporadically in hiccups.Painful and unstoppable. Every time, we feel life is  under control, we are reminded of our mortality and puniness. As a disclaimerI reserve every right to change my opinion, my attitude as I grow pretentiously wiser.  

1. Overthinking kills : Thinking is great - and I love to have discussions about life and politics and religions - but seriously all the serious talk is not good for you in the long run. A stimulating conversation is supposed to just do that - make you feel rejuvenated, yet when you are having those conversations with yourself - you get tired. Talking to yourself - playing out all the what if scenarios are exhausting, to say the least. 

2: Sensitivity is overrated : We are tiny beings - fragile and delicate.  Few hurtful words or a rude silence is all it takes for us to be broken. Our hearts, our egos are both alive and easily broken. Live like a butterfly - yes you will give joy, live like a roach and you will survive . Look around us, only creatures with thick skins have a higher survivability. A loving heart  is great, but it comes with a price.

3.Life gives a shit: Seriously, all the talk about universe and life listening to you is bullshit. Life is not receptive, it is a passive spectator. We are the active participants - dance to your own tune, because in the end - only you can feel the beats in the music. 

4. You are on your own : No matter who is with you on this journey, in the end, it is just you. There are no guarantees, no promises - people change, circumstances change, life happens. The sooner you learn to be happy with yourself, the better your life will be. 

5.Don't judge ; If there is one mantra that I have learnt is and has stayed with me, it is, don't judge. Every person has a story and believe me, I get to hear them quite often. Yes, there are many that leave me awestruck at human tenacity, and some that just make me say aloud at times " what were you thinking?".Live and let live - you don't judge me, I don't judge is the mantra that I might end up keeping forever - maybe.

6 Laugh it away: You can either cry your heart out and play the victim or just laugh your problems away. I find the second is more appealing to the people and also to your health. Everything is funny, I mean almost everything, you just need the eyes to see it . When life is spinning out of control, you just laugh - 

Saints and Sinners

There is a sinner and then there is a saint. While most of us are sinners to a certain extent, in fact all of us, why are we so judgemental and moralistic about other people's behaviors? Who decides what is right and what is wrong, especially when there is just a fine line - a wavering fine line that divides them? Why are we so obsessed with labeling people - good, bad, beautiful and ugly?

There is one thing that differentiates us from other species on this planet;We have insatiable desires. Our desire to be happy, secure, better than others, better than ourselves, seek to cause an unrest in our hearts. We are constantly looking for ways to improve in the future, often comparing our lives with what it was in the past. Without our quest for change, for movement, we would still be living in the cave. All that make us unhappy, all the struggles, all the upheavals are what makes us stronger and better.

We have evolved over the years  and it would be interesting to see how our moral compass evolves with time. Few voices of dissent, the tiny voices that most people want to shut down, are the winds of change. Look at our moral canvass, feel the strokes of change, every stroke a force that tried to overcome popular views of that era. There was a time when polygamy was legal, when homosexuality, abortion and euthanasia were illegal.  We are a better society not only because of all the innovators, all the people who are not satisfied with how things are, but also because of the thinkers, who question how the society works. Those courageous yet  feeble voices that look at the present structure of society with a different perspective. People who look beyond what was decided as right by society,  the rebels, the rule breakers.

The  punks, the misfits are as essential to the society as the scientists, if not more. They push the envelope, they stretch the boundaries and redefine the society we live in. They question all that seem unnecessary, all that seem unjust. We are creatures of habits, trained to follow the rules, after all we are policed to follow them. Rule breakers are punished, and although I fully consent that the laws of the land are meant to be followed, I am also of the opinion that they need to be questioned time and again.  Voices of dissent need to be heard, and a society that is deaf or tries to silence those voices will never evolve. I may not agree with what the dissenters say - it may be against my sensibilities, but freedom of free thought, free speech are always to be valued.  We are very rigid in our judgements - often forgetting that all the qualities that we admire as virtues,are treading on the fine line and the same qualities when they cross the line can become a menace.Kindness and non-judgemental attitude served with courage to follow them through are the only virtues. Rest all are man-made. After all the boundaries were created by humans and as we evolve, the society needs to change too.

Kind words

I have written about words earlier. But just like love, the art of communication is so complex and mysterious that any attempt to capture its essence generally fail.Words have the power to pierce through your heart. They are alive and can transform your There are words that break you into pieces or give you the wings to conquer the world. The words that hurt the most are the ones uttered by your loved ones. They stay captured in your heart, echoing through the years and battering your heart with a renewed energy. They have the power to well your eyes with tears, they have the power to make you smile and at times even laugh all alone. They can comfort you  or make you feel all alone in the world depending on whether our minds colour it either with love or with suspicion. They have the power to mutate into something quite different than what it was intended to be.

All of us go through phases in our lifetime, when we feel weak and seek reassurance either from the power above or from our loved ones. A wise friend of mine once said, we talk to God, because he doesn't reply back. It is true. Most of the time, we just need someone to hear us out, to let us express our fears. We don't necessarily seek a solution to our problems, and definitely not judgement. All we need is reassurance that everything will be alright.  We seek hope, we seek unwavering  support and sometimes kind words are just enough

There was a time, kids grew up reading fairy tales. I know I read hundreds of Mills and Boons  and Barbara Cartlands. The words in those books definitely skewed my perception of romance. But at the same time, they were words of finding goodness, finding hope even if it was the shallowest love possible.Youth should be brimming with  hopeless optimism. Children should grow up believing that life is full of possibilities. Read to them books that let them dream, dream of worlds that are possible only in their imagination. Let the words mould their minds in believing life is good. People are good. Let time and experience reveal the truth whatever it may be. Spread the word of hope, of goodness when you talk to them. We need more fairy tales, we need more beautiful endings.

Words are powerful. Tell someone they are beautiful, tell them they are loved. No one was ever offended at being felt wanted and desired. Tell your kids they are smart, capable. Leave the harsh words for the others - for they will be hearing it often in adulthood.
 Ensure that the words we tell ourselves are kind too. It is very easy to distort our perceptions of ourselves. We become what we believe.Reassure your loved ones that they can depend on you, when the  time comes. Use words kindly and it may heal a heal heart.

A healthy balance

Every day I have this opportunity to peek into people's financial and their personal lives. One thing I have learnt is that life happens, people change and life changes. What is true today, may not be true tomorrow. Yet, we are always so smug in our present situation, that we fail to plan for the unseen events. A newly wed couple is definitely not thinking of getting a divorce, but 15 years down the lane - you never know  the unspoken or unthinkable event  may be a reality.We can never be truly prepared for what is going to happen, but on the same note, it doesn't hurt to prepare for the worst.

Money is almost as necessary to living as oxygen.It may not bring you happiness, but it will keep you alive and make being miserable more bearable. Poverty is no fun, debt is inebriating. Just try and be in the shoe of a single parent struggling to meet ends, trying to stay afloat, to understand how important it is to have the  financial security.  Yet to find the fine balance between living comfortably and being an insecure hoarder is not an easy task. The best of us are trying to find balance in life in all aspects of our lives.

At the risk of sounding preachy, I have realized in the past three years working in a financial sector that :

1: Life happens, nothing can prepare you for it. Wealth can evaporate - all you need is an unfortunate event - a divorce, an illness, loss of employment and all your savings are gone and none of us are immune to it.
2. There is no shame in starting over -and no matter how difficult it is, downsizing, lowering your living standards is at times  the only way to rebuild your life.  Have your own individual financial identity.
3. How you deal with your finances is often how you deal with your relations.
4. Wealth is no guarantee of  happiness. So, while you are busy making money, don't forget to live your life. Not all good things in life cost money and not all with flashy cars and big houses are financially sound.
5. Your time is your biggest asset - use it wisely. Invest in education, invest in relation and like all things we cherish, respect your paycheque - because, no one is going to pay your bills for you. Unfortunately, living costs money and bills don't stop coming and at times all you can do is keep yourself afloat.

Turning 21

Dear son,

Twenty years ago, when I first held into my arms, like all other mothers, I was certain that I held a potential Einstein in my arms. You were a bundle of limitless potential and boundless imagination. I imagined you growing up one day, imagined you being all that I could not be. You have to understand son, we humans are strange. We create mini-mes, in the hope that they will be a better version of us. The moment I saw you, you became my world, that is till your brother was born. Every moment spent with you has been a learning process. I know they say parenting is difficult, but parenting is also very rewarding. Loving someone unconditionally, having the opportunity to create a person - a thinking, loving person, is a fulfilling job that I hope one day you will get to experience.

As you are entering the threshold of adulthood, I want to thank you for teaching me patience, for expanding my universe. I love to see the world through your eyes, to learn about things you love, and to grow. I apologize for not being the perfect parent, but I am wiser now that in knowing that I always did the best that I could. And being a mother, how can I resist the temptation of giving you advice on life?  I know I am limited on how much advice I am allocated to give you  and will stick to the ones that I find relevant for you.

 Son, it is a scary big world out there ---- wish I could say that. Was just kidding.

1. Life is beautiful. But beauty is in the eyes of the  beholder. What you think, you believe, is what you see and get. And sometimes it is the other way too. You love and find beauty in things you get- even in shit and believe me, you will be served with it at some time or other in life. We all do - no escaping it. Even your body knows it.  Yet, it is the only way of knowing when the going was good. You always need bad days to appreciate the good ones.

2. No matter how prepared you are for living, you are never prepared for it. Life has a way of catching you off guard. It always rains, when you are not carrying your umbrella. Learn to enjoy the rain. Learn to dance in the rain. Yes, you will be uncomfortable, and cold and maybe the grey skies will deceive you into thinking that the sun will never shine again ( I feel that often), but remember, that the sun is always shining, only we are not able to see it from where we are standing. Take one day at a time.

3. Plan a flexible plan. You may not reach where you want to, but it is aways good to be on a road to somewhere. Although my experience forces me to warn you  that your plan and the universe's plan might not be on the same page. All you can do is go with the flow. Keep your plans flexible. 10 years from now, you will be surprised where you end up. I hope I will be pleasantly surprised too.

4. Career, love, life, dreams, all are waiting for you. Life is not perfect, you are not perfect, but you will learn to gather happiness along the way. Life is waiting for you. Embrace it, or better still dance with it. Remember, everything else is secondary. Living - living every moment in awareness, with a purpose gives meaning to live. Life without meaning is merely existing.

5. Where ever you go, whatever you do, remember I am there. Invest in relations, in honest, truthful relations. We are all, always walking on the fine line between right and wrong - listen to your soul. 

So son, go ahead and make a difference in this world. It might seem scary, but remember as you are trapezing through this new world of being adult, I am there as your safety net, even long after you don't need it.

Love always,


Your mom

The search goes on ..

The other day, I finally had to admit that I was growing old - not just physically, but also mentally.Learning new things were not just as easy as it was 10 years ago.My memory and comprehension were weaker that what it was - basically my mind was slowly numbing towards the acceptance that I could no longer  keep up the pretense of being young anymore. There is nothing more liberating than accepting your limitations. Any other day, I would be a sucker for motivational and inspirational speech about how we should challenge ourselves, but today, right now , all I want is to acknowledge that the mental decay has finally set in.

It would be fairly disappointing if I never got to be old to the point that I could in reality or pretend to be senile. I would love to grow old, to be a "has been", to experience the final onslaught of age, to experience all the seasons of life and maybe look forward to the end. Everyday we store some fragments of wisdom from our experiences of life. We learn from our tragedies that life goes on -we learn to differentiate between calamities, and mere inconveniences. The more I interact with seniors, the more I learn that in the end all that matters is how well you have lived your life. The fallacies, the stubborn righteousness of youth, the seemingly age of responsibility in your mature years, the love, the heartbreaks , the health issues, the struggles all are just words in the story of your life. You are that story. That is all there is to life. Love and laughter, worries and stress, tragedies and tears all are not just lessons, but they are part of us. They define us.

I have met some amazing people, people that have touched my heart and changed my perspective about life forever. At the cost of repeating myself again, I want to emphasize that what makes us humans special, are our connections to our fellow humans.   No matter where we live in this world, we all share the emotions, although our thoughts and learned reactions  might differ. Our emotional response to tragedies, to happiness cross all boundaries of race, language and even age. The people who generally have touched my soul, are those who have opened up about real tragedies - and for me, nothing can be more tragic than losing your child, and how in spite of gnawing pain, they still have managed to live and love life.

At times I wonder at my quest in finding meaning to life, this urgency to explore and make some sense as to why we are here. Maybe life is just meant to be lived, to just take it as it is, with no questions asked. Or maybe life is more than that. All I know is, that we were meant to touch other people's hearts, to reach out, to connect  and share. To give and take, to love and be loved. In the meantime, I am still searching for answers, still quizzing about my reason to be here- now.

Trigger happy

There are lives - different lives around the world. Some struggling to make ends meet, some in the developed countries struggling to make human connections. We all have our sets of problems- doesn't matter where we are, we are all looking to find the perfect way to live this life. In our own limited ways, we try to make sense of what entails living a good life.

We all have different wants, have different triggers that make us happy. For some it might be having a successful career, for some, it could be love and family. But for most of us, it is all - we want it all. We are all under the illusion that tomorrow is the day we are going to be happy when we can relax. The problem is that we cannot have it all - at least most of us can't. We need to identify what are the precursors of our happy moods - what is it that we cannot live without. The key is to accept that what might make Ms. X happy will not necessary be the elixir for me. 

Recently someone had talked about how important it was for us to  be aspirational. Why professional success played a key role in our life. I totally agreed with the reasoning, but at the same time I had to admit, that the price that I had to pay for reaching a particular career goal was not something I was I willing to pay. For me,  retirement is important, but at the same time, I feel that we shouldn't postpone our happiness for tomorrow. Retirement implies quitting the present life. I understand that we all need to slow down with age, but quitting work, quitting your present way of life is a definite indicator that you are unhappy with your present situation. 

Life is not perfect, in fact, it is contradictorily ugly and beautiful. As my body ages and my mind starts to slow and in many ways rust, I am still looking for my calling  - something that will warm my old heart and soul.

In the meantime, I keep myself surrounded by people I love, balance need to things to survive with things that will keep me happy. Life is too short to focus on anything  that doesn't give you happiness. Enjoy the day to the best - after all who knows if there is going to be a tomorrow?

New homes

 We all long to belong - belong to someone, belong to a place Then what is that makes a person leave the comfort of his home and seek new pastures? The world  is not as we knew it to be. Globalization means that there are more people seeking out in the new world - the immigrants, the expats - people walking away from the known and familiar in quest of a better world. Home, the familiar sounds, faces,  the food - the laughter, the memories of childhood. Your comfort zone, the place that gives you happiness. It doesn't matter where you go, you might just be changing cities or provinces, or maybe country or continent, the fact is that stepping out is a big part of our growth as human beings.

We all need to look beyond the view from the windows of our houses and step out far beyond the horizons. Travelling as a tourist is different than attempting to recreate the magic of home in unfamiliar places. You can never undo where you  come from. It is integrated in you - it is who you are.

Over a period of time, you attempt to assimilate into a new life, adapting, and learning till you one day realize that you have created another home, new memories and you have been transmutated into something that even you don't recognize.

I find that although I have the advantage of having two homes, two set of values, two set of lifestyles, there is a conflict at times. The values are contradictory and exclusive at times. It doesn't matter where you live, your life is like an incomplete puzzle - a piece or two is always missing, there is always a sense of wanting to grasp a moment or a whiff of fragrance from your past, the elusive sounds of laughter or chirps of  birds, the nostalgia of half-escaped moments.

Every immigrant you meet, will talk about something that they have left behind, some that they are happy to leave behind, and some that they carry with them. Selective memories are deceptive. What we recollect is neither facts nor the truth, but a version of our perception of events contaminated by the passage of time. We learn that with time, at times we accept it, and at others live in a world of imagined perfection.