Blessings in Disguise

Here are the list of irritants that generally got me worked up till I decided to look at it from a different perspective. 

Shoes at the doorway - overflowing,  smelly socks , a blessing, welcome to all the guests wanted or unwanted in my house. 

Stubborn grey hair - refusing to hide its glory , reminding me that I have lived more than many other people on this planet.

Every wrinkle, every crinkle,  every sagging skin, every scar a blessing, each relating a story of its own. The frowns reminding me that there were tough times, the smile lines a reminder of how I dealt with it. 

Books, pencils on kitchen counter, clothes strewn on the floors, missing socks, juice boxes under the bed, unmade beds, all reminding me that before long, I will be missing my children. 

Every dish I wash, every meal I cook, a blessing of abundance and  of having loved ones in my life supporting me always.

Every bill I pay, every hour I work a blessing. Every tear I shed, a reminder that I am human and capable of pain and empathy. 

My messy home, my ordinary life, my every breath, every disappointment all a reminder that this is life and the only way to live is to realize that all the irritants in your life are some form of blessings. 

Dealing with your past

Every now and then we have to take stock of our lives. Redefine our goals, and navigate our lives in the direction we intended to travel. Yet looking back involves bringing in your past.The fine balance of living has the prerequisite of defining what is your past and in many ways not confusing it with your present.

Where do you draw a line when digging into your past? Nostalgia, reminiscing about old times, living in the past - is it about going back to your roots, or is it just escapism?
Life is meant to be lived in the present - every minute of it. Yet what about the memories, what about the people and the events that have made you what you are today? Do we just brush them off our shoulders, or do we try to find closures, or do we carry them along with us?
I personally find dealing with the past is like dealing with fire - caution is mandatory.  All the latent memories, waiting to flow out from the womb of your heart. All the good times, bad times, all waiting to corrupt your present.
For years, I avoided looking back, for the simple reason  that life was volatile enough for me to just be barely able to handle my present adequately. Old photos, nostalgic talks all were out of bounds. In many ways denying the existence of past was the way to survive. Yet, what are we, if not a scrapbook of memories? How can we deny where we came from and the people who directly or indirectly played an important role in molding our present?
Maybe I feel confident enough, or tranquil enough to feel that a few ripples will not create a storm. Maybe it is time to accept that although I have literally come a long way, and have changed - not only my name, my roles, treating the past with respect is the only way to move forward.
Yet sometimes you move so far ahead or your own present has enough drama, that adding the spice of the past will only get you into trouble.

Quotes on Words.

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”

“words are like nets - we hope they'll cover what we mean, but we know they can't possibly hold that much joy, or grief, or wonder.” 


“The menu is not the meal.” 

“Among my most prized possessions are words that I have never spoken.”

“Words are a pretext. It is the inner bond that draws one person to another, not words.” 

“Words, he decided, were inadequate at best, impossible at worst. They meant too many things. Or they meant nothing at all.” 

“Words are timeless. You should utter them or write them with a knowledge of their timelessness.” 

“It is not that the meaning cannot be explained. But there are certain meanings that are lost forever the moment they are explained in words.” 

“My feelings are too loud for words and too shy for the world.” 

Tell me something about yourself.

 There is something unsettling about the question "Tell me something about yourself" - a question I dread to answer.  You get these questions when you are getting interviewed, or when you meet someone new.It always frazzles me up. How do I tell, that I am still in the process of discovering and would rather have somebody else tell me who I am. How do you define your existence? How do you label your life? Am I a mother, wife , a woman......or does my job or  interest define me? Or do my perceived qualities or characteristics make me who I am? Or is it my nationality or color of my skin ?

Maybe it is the sum of all these aspects that make me who I am or maybe not. But I know in my heart, I am more than all these embellishments. My essence is buried deep in the expectations, responsibilities or living. Failures and successes, disappointments and achievements, heartaches and fulfilled relations have all buried my soul. Ironically the one thing I am sure of, is the ambiguity of my existence. I don't want to be defined. I don't want to be labelled. To just be, without any tags, without any expectations, to live and breathe in the life.

The need to not to prove anything, to not improve, to not please and not to be boxed in, intensifies with age.  The wisdom that this is my journey only when I know who I am makes the process all the precarious.  Traveling without acknowledging the core of my existence I am not actually experiencing the journey. Being honest to yourself takes a lot of courage and patience. I know  I am not an intellectual , my thinking is limited, I am not smart  nor beautiful - I am not even a good person - at least sometimes I am not. Maybe I am like water maybe, flexible, shapeless and colorless, blending in, sometimes flowing, sometimes floating as clouds. Or maybe I am just a speck of dust in the ray of light - insignificant and it really doesn't matter to discover myself.

I am not my education, nor  my achievements,nor my failures or my likes or dislikes.    I don't feel the need to expand my knowledge, to feel more emotions nor to be better in certain ways. I want to be undefined, to be just me - with no judgmental eyes following me, no expectations, no bonds to tie me down.

To be beyond approval or disapproval, to maybe just bring a smile with some kind words, to not to try - to just be like the nature - be my own authentic self. It makes me wonder, how do people manage to live their life in different personalities, with all the masks, with all the lies and pretensions? It is hard enough  to find your way out of the maze when you say what you mean and mean what you say.

Some more Zen Stories

Paradise or Hell
 
A soldier named Nobushige came to Hakuin, and asked: “Is there really a paradise and a hell?”
“Who are you?” inquired Hakuin. “I am a samurai,” the warrior replied.
“You, a soldier!” exclaimed Hakuin. “What kind of ruler would have you as his guard? Your face looks like that of a beggar.” Nobushige became so angry that he began to draw his sword, but Hakuin continued: “So you have a sword! Your weapon is probably much too dull to cut off my head.”
As Nobushige drew his sword Hakuin remarked: “Here open the gates of hell!” At these words the samurai, perceiving the master’s discipline, sheathed his sword and bowed.
“Here open the gates of paradise,” said Hakuin.

It will Pass
 
A student went to his meditation teacher and said, “My meditation is horrible! I feel so distracted, or my legs ache, or I’m constantly falling asleep. It’s just horrible!”
“It will pass,” the teacher said matter-of-factly.
A week later, the student came back to his teacher. “My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It’s just wonderful!’
“It will pass,” the teacher replied matter-of-factly.

Embracing Emptiness

Emptiness

“The objects I chose were designed to hold something, but I didn't fill them up. They remained empty. They were little symbolic shrines to thirst.” Margaret Atwood

Emptiness is a scary word. Void, nothingness all evoke images of desolation. Unfulfilled desires, broken promises, abandoned dreams, the gaps in our lives are what ironically fulfill us. If we look around us, our life  is full because of emptiness. Even sentences would have no meaning if there were no spaces between words and there would be no music without the pauses.


These empty spaces that we have in our life define us - they are a huge part of our identity. In our own weird way, we believe that to be complete, to have a fulfilled life, there should be no voids, no gaps, no emptiness. Yet  happiness has  no meaning if we haven't experienced sadness. Being with someone has no meaning if you have never missed them in your life. You cannot experience joy of being with someone,  without understanding  the strings of empty dreams tugging  at your heart.

I personally, don't like the feeling of emptiness -the voids at times become aggressive and swallow the very existence of  your core. Wise people know not to fill in the voids  and also know how to set the boundaries for them, You are a composite of what is and what isn't and understanding the importance of both in your life is what wisdom is all about.

Embracing and loving our self includes learning to accept and appreciate all the voids in our life. Maybe at a certain level, our journey is trying to fill the restlessness that is created by the emptiness in our lives. It takes a lifetime to be aware of our emptiness, and only some are able to let go of the restlessness that comes with our struggle to fill in the vague empty spots in our lives.

Memories

Fading, patchy, darned and some still with holes waiting to fixed, my quilt of memories is getting worn out for sure. Memories, bitter, sweet and at times irrelevant. A collage of incidents, places and people, some who matter and some I wonder what are they doing in head?

It is interesting what we absorb and keep and what we discard, chaffing of all the good and bad that happens in our lives everyday. I am assuming that the brain would be smart to store only information important to my well being, yet why does the memories of incidents that changed your life appear to be hazy and fragmented? Trying to fix the jagged images, to connect all the dots can be daunting as you grow older.

Ever been in a conversation with people from your past, and wondered how can both of your versions about the same incident be so different? Like the water drops that sprinkle on your body, like the specks of dust that stick on to you, moments decide to create memories.

Then there are some memories, that are resistant to time. They, in fact get more embellished, more vivid and they are hopefully the ones that make you smile when you are alone, or maybe make you shed a tear because the pain feels so real.

Moments are like falling leaves on the ground. You don't know which moments will be carried away by the breeze and lost forever and which ones will be buried in the ground, dissolving to become a part of you . Like the ground we are always ready to enrich ourselves, waiting to hold on to moments some for a while or forever, except that you really don't get to choose who will decide to stay and who will go.

Motherhood in modern times

15 years ago, when I had my first born, I really didn't know what I was getting into. Motherhood for me was J&J baby powder commercial, a happy cooing baby and an elated, relaxed mother. Small fingers, loving smiles and unconditional love. Nobody ever told me that I was getting into a bond, a bond which would change my priorities for ever. A bond, a responsibility which I know is going to last long after childhood and youth is done.
I had no warning that my heart would be vulnerable to every pain that my children felt. Priorities would change and the overwhelming thought that I was responsible for another living being would be scarier on some nights, when the wailing cries of the baby didn't stop. I was under the impression that once, the child grows up, becomes independent my job would be done. But over the years I have realised that my kids hearts will always be connected to mine. Every pain they feel, I will feel more, every joy of theirs will bring me more happiness, every failure, every success - yes I was into a relationship where all their emotions reflected magnified 100 times into my heart.

My children will grow up, become independent, yet now that I am wiser, I know that my job as a mother will never be done. I know it because I see my mother who is still my rock and support, who though miles away is always there for me.Motherhood is complicated though and often frustrating, involving childhood tantrums and teenage drama, although I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yet, not all of us are meant to be nurturers.Motherhood  evokes a an image of kindness and why not - after all what can be a bigger miracle than giving life ?  Growing up in India, a woman's status is elevated the moment she becomes  a mother. Being a mother is supposed to be the ultimate goal.
In my teens and youth I have been presumptious in assuming that my mother had no other identity nothing than being a mother. She had us kids, what else did she need - wasn't she supposed to be complete? And because she was a mother her life was supposed to revolve around her kids. Nothing wrong with it, except that that I do understand just donning on the hat of motherhood, doesn't mean giving up my identity as an individual. I am more than just a mother,daughter, sister and wife. Merging my identity with my role is unfair not only for me but also my kids. If I am nothing without them, what will my life be once they  have their own lives and my role would be relegated to on-call basis?  I am a flawed human being, an individual who has an existence even if all the said roles were to be non-existent.
A woman is a nurturer for sure, that is how nature made her- same as other female species of the animal kingdom. Yet I do believe that a healthy mother child relation demands that a woman have an identity of her own too. A modern woman is not only a nurturer, but a provider too and until and unless the modern man takes on the responsibility of being a nurturer, parenting and  raising kids will be full of challenges.

Motherhood - some quotes

“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.”

 

“Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.” 

 

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.”
 

There is an instinct in a woman to love most her own child - and an instinct to make any child who needs her love, her own. 

 

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." 
 

Warning - by Jenny Joseph

Came across this poem - and it brought a smile to my face. I meet many such old ladies everyday although I would never have guessed, it just might be possible that they might be catching up with all the fun they missed when growing up.
WHEN I AM AN OLD WOMAN I SHALL WEAR PURPLE
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Good morning

Mornings begin with tea and news on internet.Keeping abreast of the current events has been ingrained in our psyche and it has become all the more easy  now that technology has made news accessible anytime anywhere.

 I like to browse through different online newspapers and news channels, although I sometimes wonder why do we even listen to news or read them. What is it about crime and human brutality that fascinates us. Is it our way of patting on our backs and saying we are not as bad as those brutes out there , either killing their boyfriends or kidnapping people or just mass killings to prevent a revolt? Or do  unscrupulous politicians robbing the downtrodden, cheating sportsmen make us feel like heroes in our own twisted sense of morality?

Fascination with the dark side of human nature is prevalent in our society. It might be because, although we don't understand how someone can torture somebody, or kidnap and abuse for a decade, knowing that they are one of us, humans, makes you wonder what inexplicable cruelties we as a race are capable of. We all have that evil gene hidden and hopefully suppressed, yet I find it scary and often wondering what triggers such behavior? Although I am not too keen to admit it, I do believe some people are evil personified, and that is the only way to explain their behavior. Maybe it  gives us the opportunity to be  morally indignant, to be the superior human being. It is the only way to justify our obsession with gossip magazines, and how eager we are to judge and look down on the very people we admire and in some ways envy. 

I have to say that the depths of human behavior, the layers, our intricate and complex emotions have always fascinated me. The deeper you go, the more intriguing it gets. The mysteries inside our own minds are as vast and complicated as this universe we live in. Our conscious, subconscious, our dreams our nightmares all are shades of our personalities, although we might actively just embrace the conscious as being our reality.

So for now, I will keep on riding on moral superiority,wondering and abhorring the evils of the society, feeling  smug and confident in my own goodness. A good way to start the day indeed. Good morning!

Selected verses by Rumi

“This being human is a guest house. Every morning is a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor...Welcome and entertain them all. Treat each guest honorably. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” 

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing 
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.” 

When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't go to sleep.
Praise God for those two insomnias!
And the difference between them.” 

“Run from what's comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. I have tried prudent planning long enough. From now on I'll be mad.” 


“Words are a pretext. It is the inner bond that draws one person to another, not words.” 

My heart is so small
it's almost invisible.
How can You place 
such big sorrows in it?
"Look," He answered,
"your eyes are even smaller,
yet they behold the world.

Your eyelashes will write on my heart
the poem that could never come from the pen of a poet.” 

All day I think about it, then at night I say it.
Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing?
I have no idea.
My soul is from elsewhere, I’m sure of that,and I intend to end up there.

Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul?
I cannot stop asking.
If I could taste one sip of an answer,
I could break out of this prison for drunks.
I didn’t come here of my own accord, and I can’t leave that way.
Whoever brought me here, will have to take me home.” 
― Rumi

A hole in the heart

A tiny hole in the heart, that will never be filled; this is how my 12 year old son described the feeling of heart break. No topics are off limits in my house – even when at times I might cringe inside having to partake in discussions that would have been off limits while growing up.

The precursor of this discussion was a song –in Hindi, which when translated went by – I have no identity without you,  I am nothing without you. This all consuming, destructive imagery of love, got me asking the opinion of my son, Or maybe it was a maternal instinct that wanted to protect him from disillusionment and pain in life he might face later in life. Being an adolescent he is after all now in  the nascent stage of crushes and infatuations.

I was surprised by his clarity and his wisdom. .Romantic love, the pining, the waiting, the dull ache, all unreasonable, inexplicable, deceptively foolish, yet very real.Breakups, unrequited love, separation caused by death, all cause heartaches, damages that are so personal that sharing and expecting empathy is not always possible. Yet  life goes on, we walk around the hole, flagging  a sign of "caution" around the hole, avoiding falling into the dark pit -who knows how deep is the hurt?

I don't  think we ever get over a loss? I know we learn to live around the pain, but honestly does the void ever gets filled?. Dealing with grief, trying to fill the vacuum, can test the best of us. Yet life goes on, the pain slowly becomes a dull  ache that you learn to live with, merging to  be a part of yourself , making your heart softer, vulnerable to the pains of other people. 

Defining Love

I have to admit that I have been guilty of assuming that love did mean to a certain extent belonging or should I say possessing. It could have been an inanimate object  or people, but it always had to  end with "I want", as if it was a physical entity that could be captured and  enslaved.As you grow older, your notion of what comprises love changes too
Love though empowering is also free, it cannot be enslaved and it definitely is not about making us feel happy.  It is free-will, it is being responsible, it is making sure that the object of love is happy. The deeper you dig, the more you realize that it is unconditional,and definitely an action verb. Loving means giving the other person space to grow as an individual, to breathe. It is letting  a person feel safe enough to be who they are , to just be. I personally believe any relation - whether it is between spouses, or friends or parents and children is healthy only if both are growing and evolving to be better person.

Acceptance and  wishing for the other person's happiness is what love is all about. It doesn't matter if the love is among friends, spouses or parents and kids. In the end it is all about ensuring that the person you love is happy. Unconditional love is the only genuine love, where there is no ulterior motive, rare find. 

There are some relations where the balance is unhealthy. There is one giver and one taker - the taker a parasite whose very existence is dependent on others. They demand love, attention, and are so empty within, that you can give all you, drain yourself out, but the desire remains insatiable. Givers find their purpose in life by giving - giving till they are empty.

Leeching on to other people for your emotional needs, is not love. As a parent my job is to fill my kids to the brim with love and self-esteem. Yet making sure they know that love is renewable, only from within. Again only people who are fully content with what they have, who have no need for validation from other people, are the people who are capable of love. 

Illusion of Reality.

Does thinking really serve any purpose? Honestly, we have had great philosophers, books all revealing the ultimate truth about life and living, yet I don't see any of us changing. We are still the same, fearful about our future, hanging on to our pasts, and still believing in our weird sense of way that we are immortal.
Wisdom is applied knowledge, notes taken when life was handing us out our lessons and of course implementing them.
Why is it that our minds jump ahead of us, creating dreams and nightmares? In many ways we live our lives in our minds. Every nightmare, every dream is after all a part of you. It might be imagination for others, but who is to say that the fear or the joy in your head was not real for you? Then again who is to say life and what we are experiencing in the moment is real.
The perfect way to live life would be to just experience all that is happening as a bystander, just an observer.Except for a few sage, most of us still struggle to just experience life. We label it, we add our own little stories, embroidering it with our own fears and desires.
The more we look forward to something, the more we get disappointed. The fault of course lies in our own thinking. In our minds we have created a perfect scenario, a scenario that has been directed by us without any basis for facts or reality.
Fact remains we can create whatever heaven or hell in our head, action in real life is what matters in the end.
 A Koan to think about .......
Once Chuang Tzu dreamt he was a butterfly, a butterfly flitting and fluttering around, happy with himself and doing as he pleased. He didn't know he was Chuang Tzu. Suddenly he woke up and there he was, solid and unmistakable Chuang Tzu. But he didn't know if he was Chuang Tzu who had dreamt he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was Chuang Tzu. Between Chuang Tzu and a butterfly there must be some distinction! This is called the Transformation of Things.

The search for perfection

Human beings are strange, governed by desires, unlimited desires. We are always wanting to improve upon our situation or ourselves. It doesn't matter how good you are doing in life, there is always this nudge that tells us -If only ..... it would be better. I have to admit I have the tendency to always look ahead, to plan, to improve, my kids, my house , my career or just myself.

Which is all great except that it is a never ending project.

I am not sure about others, but all my life I have been searching or waiting for something to happen. It's not that I was unhappy but just that the wait for that last piece of jigsaw to complete the puzzle of my life. In my young adulthood, it was the search for a right partner and we all know search and waiting go hand in hand. Later in life,  when I look back, it was searching for a job , or a better job, a house, or a better place to live, or may be just looking for a great deal on car or furniture.

Searching and waiting can not only be stressful, but also make us forget that life is perfect the way it is. Waiting for circumstances to change, to get "better", implies living in the future. I never realized how much of my life had been spent in trying to improve on my circumstances. Trying to improve home, to improve my health, to improve finances every thing adding to increase stress.

Right now, I am in a happy position - I am happy just being, just breathing. Feeling content, believing that life is perfect the way it is, brings in a calm, a peace. You stop looking and start living.

It would be foolish of me to expect this feeling of contentment to last forever, as cirumstances will change for sure, and the ugly monster will spew its venom of desires and expectations again, but hopefully I will be better prepared to face it.

Whenever the voices in my head taunt me  if only ......all I am learning to do is stop the thinking process. Yes the voices are still there, the walls need paint, the yard needs maintenance and only if that is done..... I certainly hope this attitude is permanent and I live by the adage " will cross the bridge when I come to it".

Relationships...

Relationships can be complicated, after all we humans are among the most complex species known at present. We, with our egoes, our layers of intricately complex emotions, and our fine ability to mask our intentions, and our  own personal agendas. We with our jealousies, our insecurities, our desires, our ambitions and constant restlessness to be something we are not at present or to be where we are not.
We can have everything, yet be unhappy. We are capable of inexplicable greed, selfishness and illusions of being at the centre of  universe. Now when two complicated humans come in contact, each with a baggage, known and unknown, relationships are bound to be complicated. Even in our interactions with strangers, the one that would involve the least damage, or people who might not mean anything, we still judge, we still harbour anger and jealousy.
We may deny, choose to ignore or simply live under the illusion that we are perfect, but the truth remains, that our individual character comprises of different shades of emotions and the complexity of our emotions make it very hard to decipher. Every day our experiences add or change us,
We prefer to live our pretentious life, keeping up appearances, stroking our false sense of self-worth. Discovering your weaknesses, accepting them are the first steps in ensuring that we keep them in check. We cannot change our intrinsic natural instincts, but we can definitely tone them down,to keep the spotlight on our strengths.
Our relationship with ourself is the first step in building healthy relationships. If there is one thing I have learned is that I am responsible for my happiness. My insecurities are my problems. Harsh as it sounds leeching on to other people for your emotional needs, is not love.  As a parent my goal is to teach my kids to be fill my kids to the brim with love and self-esteem. Yet making sure they know that love is renewable, only from within. 

Lessons learnt

Hardships - difficult times, call it by any name always leaves an aftermath either destroying you and making bitter or melting your heart and making you a kinder person.
I have always wondered what was the purpose of negative incidents in our lives. Nobody invites painful or unpleasant experiences into their life and given a choice we all would love to live in a blissful state all our lives. Except for some enlightened souls , we are all affected by  the unpleasant events in our lives. Whether we like it or not,painful events and disappointments  are a part of our lives. I don't care about us inviting troubles subconsciously or not, troubles will always find us.

 Uncomfortable and situations that are beyond our control tests our limitations as human being. I am talking about everyday disappointments, everyday struggles, struggles that age us, burdens if not disposed of ,stinks and  becomes a dead weight in our travel towards our final destination. All these experiences speak to us, give depth to our characters and in their own way evolves us to be more compassionate and empathetic towards others.

Every negative incident teaches us a lesson, a lesson to be a better person. We have the choice to keep our eyes and heart open and be attuned to what message is encoded in the incident. Some life-changing incidents like losing a person you love, might not seem to have any positive intonation at all, but when you look back and make the best of what you experience, you will realize it has made you more empathetic. I know it has made me a better person, a person who realizes that no matter how safe and cocooned you are feeling when the times are good,you are vulnerable to difficult times anytime and without any notice.
 

Do we ever change?

Does our intrinsic traits ever change? I know we all evolve, we all grow, but to what extent? A lion even when old and feeble would still be a lion -brave and proud. He might look helpless when old, or mellowed down by his inaction, but is he really? On the other hand no matter how noble a jackal gets, or brave a rat feels, they will always remain what they are.
Isn't it amazing though that in nature, no one tries to imitate the other being? Each is content to just be. Unlike the other species in the world, we humans have this uncanny quality of wearing masks, and pretending to be what we are not. Part of the ritual of growing up is learning to hide our emotions or at least express it the way society has deemed acceptable.
Before long, we all learn to keep  up appearances, and molding our personalities to gain acceptance Over the years we get so good at wearing masks that our genuine essence as a person is lost among all the different personalities we have learnt to live with .

For instance, someone who is born with aggressive traits might as years go by  seem to mellowed down, but rest assured that the traits though at times not visible are still dormant,  have maybe become so sophisticated that detection is impossible. Or at times we ourselves forget what are the qualities that we were born with, being more ready to believe the people around us as to who and what we are. Our parents, peers, expectations of society and our experience are all involved in deciding if we will ever get to meet our true selves.

On the other hand it is  foolishness or mere arrogance on our part to believe that we can change people - maybe influence their attitudes to certain extent, or pressurize someone to subdue or camouflage their characteristics to be more society friendly, but to assume that people change over time is just not true as a rule. Of course  as always generalizations and rules are meant to be broken.

The curse of "should"

Most of lives are led  by the dictates of society.We all follow through the motions of life on auto-pilot. Habits and societal expectations become the guidelines. How many times do we look into ourselves and ask what is it I really want ? Most of our decisions are taken on account of "shoulds" and "have tos".

I am a very "should" person. Trying to fit into the expectations of my role as a woman, wife, daughter. Come to think of it, who decided for you how you are expected to behave? The pressure of the society are the invisible barriers.

Recently I have been very fortunate in connecting with people who have followed their own path. These are the people who had the courage to take time to analyze what it is they "want" from their life. Our wants are buried  deep, shrouded by our fears, expectations of others , roles defined by society, that to bring it to light requires strong will power and inclination. Not to say that wants don't change with time.

We are taught at a very young age about the appropriate behaviors, the gender expectations, the relationship expectations,  and before we know it deep down our own dreams, our desires are lost in the book of rules. Instead of celebrating this beautiful life, we try to mold our life according to the unspoken expectations  of society and familiar pressures. This is particularly true for people pleasers - people who are always looking for validation of their existence by making others happy. 

Want represents love - self-directed decisions. When your decisions are motivated by genuine desire of love and want, they bring joy. Most times our wants clash with our responsibilities, or  perceived responsibilities. What really stops us from doing what we want? Considering this is the only life we have, why do we fail short in courage to just follow our hearts and our dreams? Is it because it is safer and more convenient to follow the tried and tested rules of the society or we have a self-image to protect?

Whatever be the case, the decisions we take from our own self-will, guided by our desires and conscience definitely play a key ingredient in our life's recipe for leading a happy life.