Digitally introvert

 In today's digital world where most of our relationships are digital - where our profiles on social media define who we are, where impersonal texts and comments define your interest in other people's life, I feel totally inept socially. Not that I don't like social media,  I love to hide behind it, just play the audience but because the effort to keep up the appearances is overwhelming.

Introverts find it hard to make small talks -personally or digitally or at least I do. I love having deep discussions, a hearty laugh and sharing viewpoints - the only problem is, it is only with  a select few. There are times when we do come across as rude or just plain unfriendly, but it is just that the effort to know and invite someone new into our lives is so massive that it just doesn't seem worth it. 

Selfies are definitely not for us , nor are discussing private life. I took down my birth date from my profile just because the effort to reply to all the wishes seemed to be too painful. Attending marriages, functions where small talks would be involved is a big no-no.I am always looking for an excuse to slip through, to just escape the crowd of meaningless and superfluous talks. 

The hard-work required to maintain the socially acceptable norms of being friendly can take a toll on us. Just exchanging pleasantries can be exhausting, depleting us of all the energy we need to keep going at it again next day. It is not that we don't love people, we do - but the need for space , the need to just be with our thoughts to recharge our batteries is higher. Also people who know us are not taken aback by the apparent rudeness or even if they are they choose to ignore it. 

Digital world has brought into my life people who I know but not actually know. The opportunity to connect is there, but the price to connect is too high at times. I try but fail dismally to communicate electronically - the instant chatting, the clutter of messages, the sheer number of people and the constant chatter scares me. I am just not able to keep up with it - multitasking is definitely not one of my traits.

When I look back, I realize that I always was like that, just that over the years you learn to pretend to survive. I am always unsure about how to react to compliments - unsure about responding to apparent successes and failures  especially on a platform that has an audience big enough to fill a performing theater.

I am slowly retreading - even though at times the imaginary cave I hide in can be lonely , I still prefer to stay there and visit the outside world once in a while to see if all is well. 

Redefining Marriage

Two people meet, connect, "fall in love", and all starry eyed and with the best  intention of spending the life together, get married. Yet almost 50% of marriages and relations end on acrimonious terms. Where do we go wrong? Is it that we choose the wrong partners, or is it that our commitment is not firm enough or maybe we marry with the wrong intentions? Or is it that the relationship fails to evolve with the changing times? And the most perplexing part is where does the love go?

Maybe marriage is an old fashioned concept, maybe expecting monogamy is a foolish thought, maybe some are just not meant to stay in a long term relationship. There are breakups, due to infidelity, emotional or physical ,mental or physical abuse and then there are break ups that are inexplicable. How do two people who are so madly in love that they vow to be together forever, end up at times hating each other?

In the past couple of years I have been surprised at marriages that seemed perfect to my eyes and made in heaven, were in fact flawed and hell for those involved. I was appalled not only at the how a seemingly healthy relationship had decayed, but also at how naive I was to assume that what was projected was the truth.  Marriages are complicated to say the least, especially in modern times, when the lines defining roles and genders are so blurred. People today stay together because they want to  and not because they have to. Individually we are all independent enough to survive and thrive on our own, and the reason we do get together is that the ties will strengthen our beliefs in ourselves and make us happier than we are.

Two different individuals , each growing at a different pace, add to that  uncertainty, living together facing challenging situations, some differences are not only acceptable, they are also, necessary for a healthy relation.  So how would we define a successful marriage? Is it defined by how long you both stay together or is it defined by how well you both grow  together?

The measure of a successful marriage is not defined by the years spent together, rather  how the relationship has catalyzed in the growth  of the individuals involved. We need to redefine what is termed as successful marriage. Maybe in some cases to  ensure that the shelf life does not exceed the advent of bitterness.

A dose of humour

Some ideas are so ridiculous that all  you can do is let your imagination run wild and laugh - laugh till tears run down your  cheeks and you then you laugh again because you sound so weird . I always end up feeling embarrassed  later - for I know I end up being really loud when I get excited or so have been told by many.

One thing I have learnt is that the only way to deal with tough situations and obnoxious people is to use humor as a weapon. The only problem with humor is that not everyone has the same sense of humor. What you might funny, may just make me smile, or seem too silly for even that. Finding a person with whom you can share your warped sense of the world, who will hold on to the string of sly smile even in a room full of people, and tug you into an adventurous room of ridiculous and improbable situations is priceless. 

Humor can be tricky, ridiculing someone can be treacherous - it is like walking on the black ice - you never know when you will slip. Yet when you look at the world and the situation with eyes of mirth, it dawns on us how insignificant and  inconsequential our preoccupation with ourselves and our problems is.

Always look at the funny side of a situation - find ways to laugh away your troubles. Look at yourself for what you really are - wearing glasses of  humor - for honestly - we are after all so minuscule in this vast universe and giving self importance and believing that the world revolves around is the root to all our problems. Make fun of your problems, and watch them fade away .

A Procrastrinator's viewpoint

There are people who are proactive and then there are some like me who are masters in postponing major decisions. It is so easy to slip into a comfort zone and stay there. Staying there even if it is uncomfortable ,is the problem. It is known and safe  - it is so much less effort to let things stay the way they are  than to do something about it right away. It might be the lazy bone in me, or it might be the "work-resistant" gene in me, but it takes every inch of resolution to work towards changing a status quo.

Spontaneous people just do it. People who are adaptable and open to suggestions are are also doers - and not to  speak of people are dissatisfied enough to take action. But there are some of us who are flexible and it takes a lot to faze us and jump into action. Maybe we over think, maybe we are neutral - living in the zen - no good or bad, or maybe just maybe we are lazy.

Hard work is not the major  issue for procrastinator.The issue ,is the hard work worth the result?We lie about it, penny pinching time, it is the fear of change that is the major obstacle, even if the change is for better. There is always tomorrow, there is always later in the day, with the only problem being instead of directly addressing the issues, we tend to drag and kill it, that is before it kills us.

The downside is that being aware of my tendency to stall and contemplate, I am also aware of the suffering it causes on me. Pretending I am living on a gun-point helps, but decisions and actions made when on virtual death row are definitely not the wisest and  that becomes another deterrent in taking prompt action - the fear of making the wrong choice. 

I have tried over the years to find solution to this issue -but guess what being a professional delayer, I am still looking for one. There are times though when dilly dallying works in your favor. Deciding not to decide can work in your favor if time exasperated by inaction takes it in hand to resolve the issue for you.

Yet knowing at times that there is no prince in shining armor coming to your rescue, no god    mother or fairy with the magic wand to make your problems disappear, you learn to drag your feet a little faster, toss the coin to take decision and just convince yourself that change cannot be that bad.

Speaking Up....

 Take my hand not my life .... the board proclaimed..... Say no to abortion , yes there he went again, my 13 year old son, reading the billboard aloud. For the past one year, he had been reading the same billboard loud, and another one with a similar message and giving me the "look" as if questioning me, or daring me to contradict the statement that abortion took lives. In fact he did ask me if I had ever considered abortion. I generally preferred to keep quiet and ignore his brashness,  but this time I decided enough was enough.

I glanced back and said in a firm voice hoping he understands that it was time we settled the issue. " It is a woman's body, and she decides whether she keeps the  fetus or not, nobody has the right to judge her or to interfere in her decision. It is a choice every woman has or should have and it is none of his or any other man's business.  Of course it threw him off track and the next question was what is , the difference between fetus and baby..... and so on and so forth.

I am pro-choice and want my boys to grow up respecting a woman's decision as to what she should do with her body and her life. I am not sure why, but I was very proud of myself , of speaking out what was in my heart , of introducing my son to a viewpoint which is not openly and publicly discussed and which generally warrants disapproval. A woman who decides to not go through a pregnancy has her own reasons, which are hers and hers alone and nobody has the right to judge her.

It is about time that people spoke up , women spoke up for their rights. I admire the medial professionals who risk their lives in providing services that save women's lives. As a mother to growing boys, as a woman who has the power to certain extent to change how the boys will perceive the women in their lives, it is my responsibility to raise and open their minds beyond stereotypical images. I was and will be their first impression of what defines a woman and believe me they are well aware that women are strong and their equal - not the same but equal.