Terms and conditions

Do we ever get to live life on our terms? We are all to a certain extent governed  by rules and commitments. Living life on your own term  demands being bold and selfish. You have to take decisions that will be good for your own growth, irrespective of what others are feeling. Yet some of us are tied up  in bindings of love, commitment and responsibilities that make it impossible to live life on our terms. Am I a coward who avoids confrontation or a person who wisely compromises and moves on? Are temperance and modesty still virtues or am I just trying to buy peace by forgiving and ignoring possible injustices?

Some of these issues have been nagging me lately -  especially when instead of not reacting to the outrage that was building inside me, I justified it by just being forgiving , learning the lesson and letting go. Is it wise to fight and burn bridges  or just to back off?

All my life, I have chosen the battles I want to fight - ensuring that they are worth it. Who am I kidding. Actually I have only fought battles I had to  - where I had no choice but to fight back to survive. I am not sure if passivity or being moderate is considered a virtue anymore.To be honest, my intentions in escaping confrontations were more to protect myself - to save myself from getting dirty.Does that make me a coward or a wise person? I am not sure.

We are never alone and our decisions are never without any repercussions. Every time I have a choice to do what feels right to me - live impulsively, or to take into consideration the effect it will have on people close to me. Some are tough - some I want to resist , some I grow to resent , yet I know even if it is with heavy heart, how the decision affects my loved ones in more important than how it makes me feel.

 Lately, lot of conflicting emotions and tough decisions have made me wonder, how much of our life is owned by us? The art of living teaches to live in the present, the moments... to let go and to live life like it is your last day... Yet why is this so difficult for some of us to follow? Is it because living for yourself demands you to be selfish and not just selfish , at times callous towards feelings of others? Or is it because some people are more prone to being anchors in others life  and find it painful to let go ? Or is it because we love and care about others well beings more than our own?

Healthy self-perception

Recently I have been hearing lot of "weight loss" buzzing around. We all struggle with our body image, be it our heights, our skin, hair and the never ending issue of weight and muscle. Is there any end to our quest to find the perfect body?  The other day, I was going out for a brisk walk and was feeling good about myself, till someone jogged past me - someone obviously older than me. Just when I was about to berate myself for not being fit enough, somebody else zoomed past me and the other person , making me smile for I realized there is no end to this.

Another incident that struck me was when a seemingly fit 87 year old woman was complaining about losing 5 more pounds and all I could think was Seriously ? She was walking, she was coherent, she was healthy, yet the obsession with weight and the numbers was all she could think of. Maybe she had lived to be that old, because of her obsession with  weight - maybe not. 

I am rattled  when a young mother talks proudly about how her two year old daughter  comments on mom  looking  fat - and that is to a woman who I am sure would be termed underweight by her doctor. This obsession with our body, especially weight and our unhealthy relationship with food bothers me. It upsets me that we are all expected to fit into a slot that is supposedly deemed to be healthy. When someone labels young girls as "fat", I am enraged, no one has the right to label you  - only your doctor and that too when you go to take advice. All our insecurities stem from irresponsible comments made by insensitive prigs. I remember being 6 years old and someone obviously "well-intentioned" advising my mom about using face packs to lighten my skin tone. I am 44 now , the words still haunt me and even now when I look in the mirror I see an ugly, dark girl .

I am all for healthy living, healthy eating, but we are all made differently. I would rather eat and be happy and live life and be who I am. I have learnt that there is always going to be someone slimmer, prettier, more intelligent, more successful than I am. But I have also learnt, that not everybody gets to live, not everybody gets to raise children, not everybody has all the limbs intact.

I am learning to accept my dark skin tone, learning to accept the body parts that I dislike - to let go and just be myself because  I know if I can't disentangle myself from all self -image issues, I will grow old never actually living. Give me an overweight , obese joyous being any day over a grumpy skinny and miserable being. 

Lend a hand

A peek into hundreds of lives, hundreds of relationships - young love, mature love , married couples celebrating their 60 th anniversary, divorces - after 4 , 5 and 35 and 50 years of being together - abusive relationships, cheating, just getting bored ... whatever be the case I have realized marriages are not easy  and can never be taken for granted. I have known people carrying their spouses ash around their neck... people lost after losing their partner after 60 years of togetherness, and those same people trying to find joy again -in new relationships, new hobbies, faith and family. Life definitely does go on - we are  just incidental and absolutely dispensible. Yet we are nothing without each other. I wouldn't be able to survive without human connection. It is not an option, it is a necessity. We are so entangled with each other - that reaching out to others is part of our living.


Stories that touch our hearts are what connects us  and nothing touches our hearts more than loss - we are unified in our grief . Happiness is a different story. Everyday I see people who just need that one kind look, an acknowledgement of their presence - they don't care who gives it. It is said that the opposite of love is not hate , but indifference and I couldn't agree more. Love, spread warmth,listen, spread kindness..... and you feel more human again. Empathize, laugh, smile, and you have connected to another being. You need to reach out and when someone lends you a hand , be grateful and take it. We are interdependent - we need each other - we are humans and although animals can love us unconditionally, we do desire to connect with our own species.

A walk down the dyke rejuvenates me - but sharing the dyke with people like me, exchanging greetings  and smiles with a simple "what a lovely day" is what warms my heart.

So go ahead and communicate - hug, kiss, smile, laugh, cry together - our time is limited but if we have touched even one heart , healed one soul, given hope to one individual we have not lived in vain.

Stories we tell ourselves.

There are days when the words just stumble into written words and then there are days when I struggle to write a decent sentence. There are thoughts, thoughts waiting to rush out, to be heard, yet they are so jumbled together, so entangled together that they just make no sense.  Lately, I have been trying to change my perspective on life. Time seems to be just slipping by - I want to do so much , yet ... I find that summer is a time that shines light on this dilemma of too many things to do, and too little time. I want to watch the sunset - on the beach as well on the mountains - on the same day . Yes, this is coming from the mind of a 40 plus woman - still declared sane, and not a tantrum prone toddler. But  fact remains, that I struggle with the contradictory elements in my life. Time never seems enough.

I live in a pretty simplified life - not much socializing, no commitments that are different than others. Yet, the more I realize that life is short, the more I want to spend time doing things I want rather than I have to. I have this nasty habit of building stories. A sure sign of a born worrier. A worrier is a warrior in the sense, that you are constantly battling against yourself. You can create scenarios that end in catastrophe out of thin air, and while you are writing your eulogy ( I have done that) and mourning events that could have happened, you actually suffer.

I am learning to be more aware of my thoughts - letting it not tempt me  on free rides to hell and back . Awareness - being conscious about what you feel , literally dragging your thoughts back into the moment helps. But like everything  else in life , it demands your commitment to practice. After all the stories that we tell ourselves each day - of success or failures are what end up with in the end. We are our stories, we become our thoughts, we either sabotage our success or create a way to reach our potential.

In the meantime, if only the thoughts could write by itself - life would be so much simpler.