We go through our daily motions in frenzy, trying everything within our means to ensure that we don't just live but feel alive. The primary difference between humans and other animals is that we have the capacity to think, and be self-aware that this one life that we have is precious. We can introspect, analzye and strategize to make our life more meaningful.We need a reason to live. We need to be needed.
Lately life has been on an auto mode. You know the daily grind mode - alarm, work, home and repeat. Don't get me wrong, life is good but.... This is a stage of life that no one warns you of - the cynical middle ages -the stage when your idealist notions about life has been crushed and after spending more than 20 years on raising little humans, you are faced with a void.
Life without any purpose has no meaning. Most people assume that purpose needs to be something grandeur . It can be as simple as raising kids, having a loving family or just to ensure that you are able to put a smile on somebody's face. I have always regretted to a certain extent at the ordinariness of my life. It is as ordinary as it can be. No stories of adventure, no glamour, no great love story and no extraordinary achievement. I am as ordinary as can be and I have struggled with the fact that maybe I could have done more. The need for more, to be better, is immense. The pressure we put ourselves in to be our better than our versions can skew our view of life.
I want to be enough. Just be enough as a wife, a mother as a worker and friend . The niggling doubt of not being enough, not having enough is the bane of my life. I keep on reminding myself that it is okay if the house is untidy, it is okay to not want to cook for a day, for wanting to lose my temper at times, to feel frustrated. The picture of my life in mind and myself is driven by perfection. Life is beautiful and ugly - but definitely not perfect. I am realizing that this competition with the image of how my life is and how I should behave has shackled me to an unrealistic expectation of life and happiness.
The feeling of inadequacy will always be part of my life - it is who I am.We all tackle our inadequacies in our own way - putting on a mask to camouflage our vulnerability. I hide my intensity by projecting a " I don't care attitude" which can be interpreted by some as being a snob, indifferent or proud. A wise friend told me once, self-preservation is the key to survival . Our masks, our personas that we cultivate are just tools for the same. I don't think I will ever feel adequate, but with age, I am learning to live my life around it, accepting my imperfections, and shortcomings .It is a struggle not to admonish myself for every small mistake, to let go of a habit that has become a part of me, but I do realize now that the eternal truth is that, in the end, it doesn't matter - nothing matters. Enjoy this ride, take a splash in the mucky puddle and although imperfect, we are all unique.
Lately life has been on an auto mode. You know the daily grind mode - alarm, work, home and repeat. Don't get me wrong, life is good but.... This is a stage of life that no one warns you of - the cynical middle ages -the stage when your idealist notions about life has been crushed and after spending more than 20 years on raising little humans, you are faced with a void.
Life without any purpose has no meaning. Most people assume that purpose needs to be something grandeur . It can be as simple as raising kids, having a loving family or just to ensure that you are able to put a smile on somebody's face. I have always regretted to a certain extent at the ordinariness of my life. It is as ordinary as it can be. No stories of adventure, no glamour, no great love story and no extraordinary achievement. I am as ordinary as can be and I have struggled with the fact that maybe I could have done more. The need for more, to be better, is immense. The pressure we put ourselves in to be our better than our versions can skew our view of life.
I want to be enough. Just be enough as a wife, a mother as a worker and friend . The niggling doubt of not being enough, not having enough is the bane of my life. I keep on reminding myself that it is okay if the house is untidy, it is okay to not want to cook for a day, for wanting to lose my temper at times, to feel frustrated. The picture of my life in mind and myself is driven by perfection. Life is beautiful and ugly - but definitely not perfect. I am realizing that this competition with the image of how my life is and how I should behave has shackled me to an unrealistic expectation of life and happiness.
The feeling of inadequacy will always be part of my life - it is who I am.We all tackle our inadequacies in our own way - putting on a mask to camouflage our vulnerability. I hide my intensity by projecting a " I don't care attitude" which can be interpreted by some as being a snob, indifferent or proud. A wise friend told me once, self-preservation is the key to survival . Our masks, our personas that we cultivate are just tools for the same. I don't think I will ever feel adequate, but with age, I am learning to live my life around it, accepting my imperfections, and shortcomings .It is a struggle not to admonish myself for every small mistake, to let go of a habit that has become a part of me, but I do realize now that the eternal truth is that, in the end, it doesn't matter - nothing matters. Enjoy this ride, take a splash in the mucky puddle and although imperfect, we are all unique.
