Life in Years

Life is what we make it to be. Every year, traditionally we humans like  to audit our lives in terms of what we have gained and lost. It is that time of the year when we take a breather to look back on all the events of the year that shaped us.

When I look back, I see a fairly uneventful year, a year of calm, a year of appreciating normalness. I have learnt that things change, time heals and life goes on. 2014, has been  a year for me to recuperate in many ways, just to recharge my batteries, to be content.

I am not sure what my resolutions for the year were, or if I had made any. That is the thing with resolutions, they tend to evaporate with time. But this year, I hope that I find cure for the pop-up messages in my head, that I stop ear-marking all the chapters in life that I don't intend to go back to and lastly but not least, have the wisdom to live in the present.

The past year has also been one where my patience for bigoted people have been tested, and I am glad to say I failed. I am finally learning, if a friend or acquaintance can have opinion, so can I. Take it or leave is my attitude now.

My back and forth journey from theism to atheism is still in progress. Maybe one day I will end up on the other side of the fence - the question being which side I am on now. I am learning to let opinionated people voice their ignorance, it is more fun to be a bystander although the temptation to join the party and dance is at times too hard to resist.

Year 2014, has been about family and friends - unexpected connections, inspiring connections. It has been a year when I finally admitted that I am an introvert and a wannabe atheist, although the moment fear of loss creeps in, I turn to be theist .

2015 is going to be all about faith and courage. Time to get out of the comfort zone, time to be true to myself, time to take actions and let life happen. Or on the other hand, I will enjoy whatever gifts the tidings bring me - with gratitude and courage.


 

Quotes on Loss

“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” 

“At the temple there is a poem called "Loss" carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it.”
― Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.”
― W.S. Merwin

“I know now that we never get over great losses; we absorb them, and they carve us into different, often kinder, creatures.” 

“The weird, weird thing about devastating loss is that life actually goes on. When you're faced with a tragedy, a loss so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow, the world keeps turning, the seconds keep ticking.” 

Zen Wisdom

A Zen master came to the front door of the King’s palace. None of the guards tried to stop him as he entered and made his way to where the King himself was sitting on his throne.

“What do you want?” asked the King, immediately recognizing the visitor.

“I would like a place to sleep in this inn,” replied the teacher.

“But this is not an inn,” said the King, “It is my palace.”

“May I ask who owned this palace before you?”

“My father. He is dead.”

“And who owned it before him?”

“My grandfather. He too is dead.”

“And this place where people live for a short time and then move on – did I hear you say that it is NOT inn?”

The Stone Cutter

There was once a stone cutter who was dissatisfied with himself and with his position in life.

One day he passed by a wealthy merchant’s house. Through the open gateway, he saw many fine possessions and important visitors. “How powerful that merchant must be!” thought the stone cutter. He became very envious and wished that he could be like the merchant.

To his great surprise, he suddenly became the merchant, enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever imagined, but envied and detested by those less wealthy than himself. Soon a high official passed by, carried in a sedan chair, accompanied by attendants and escorted by soldiers beating gongs. Everyone, no matter how wealthy, had to bow low before the procession. “How powerful that official is!” he thought. “I wish that I could be a high official!”

Then he became the high official, carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair, feared and hated by the people all around. It was a hot summer day, so the official felt very uncomfortable in the sticky sedan chair. He looked up at the sun. It shone proudly in the sky, unaffected by his presence. “How powerful the sun is!” he thought. “I wish that I could be the sun!”

Then he became the sun, shining fiercely down on everyone, scorching the fields, cursed by the farmers and laborers. But a huge black cloud moved between him and the earth, so that his light could no longer shine on everything below. “How powerful that storm cloud is!” he thought. “I wish that I could be a cloud!”

Then he became the cloud, flooding the fields and villages, shouted at by everyone. But soon he found that he was being pushed away by some great force, and realized that it was the wind. “How powerful it is!” he thought. “I wish that I could be the wind!”

Then he became the wind, blowing tiles off the roofs of houses, uprooting trees, feared and hated by all below him. But after a while, he ran up against something that would not move, no matter how forcefully he blew against it – a huge, towering rock. “How powerful that rock is!” he thought. “I wish that I could be a rock!”

Then he became the rock, more powerful than anything else on earth. But as he stood there, he heard the sound of a hammer pounding a chisel into the hard surface, and felt himself being changed. “What could be more powerful than I, the rock?” he thought.

He looked down and saw far below him the figure of a stone cutter.

Enlightenment

A student once asked his teacher, “Master, what is enlightenment?”

The master replied, “When hungry, eat. When tired, sleep.”

Reflection by the Stream

Every now and then I have this immense need to go and sit beside a stream. Just listening to the flowing water,watching the water find its way over and around the rocks, twisting and turning and flowing. It is one of the most fascinating things to observe - maybe just like life it is so full of movement.

Every now and then, there is this need to cleanse away all the uninvited thoughts - thoughts and emotions that I have unwittingly gathered and saved up. Just watching the water scrub the rocks clean , brings a sense of calm. I go there to shed my troubles, to give up the conflict of what I want and what I have - to erase the doubt about how I could do things differently and be better. 

Every now and then, sitting by stream, I pause to reflect and reaffirm the purpose of my life - that is if it has any purpose. I like to pause and listen to my thoughts, to look inward, to stop the incessant noise that is still drumming somewhere deep.The sound of stream  drowns away all the noises - wiping away the doubts and feeling of inadequacy.

The silence in the sound of water, the color in the colorless water, the stillness of the flowing water a meditation in motion. We all need  a place where we need to sit quietly and listen, listen and connect to the source of our existence. It is amazing how it is teaches me that nothing remains constant - the water flows towards the river, but there are days when the stream is just trickling by and days when it is dancing with joy. The path doesn't change, only evolves to adjust to changing circumstances.

The most important lesson I learn is that the final destination is the same - I have the choice to savor every moment and take it slow and just like the stream I am clueless about how long my journey is.

Quilted Homes

Home - a word invoking warmth and fuzziness. Is home a place, a person or a state of mind I wonder? Or is it all that makes you feel safe and welcome? Being home is being who you truly are -no pretenses, no judgments, no explanations, just being . Home, an assortment of pieces of memories - of places and people that fill your days with warmth and laughter. I have been collecting those pieces over the years and take it with me every time we move.

Yet the feeling of truly belonging - of feeling that there is nothing better than being  right here continues to elude me to a certain extent. I have left friends behind - carried the memories, but part of me is still in the houses I called homes. Moving does that to you. You  are constantly searching for that safe haven  called home. The familiarity, the confidence that you actually know the place and its quirky character. I guess it is not moving, it is just feeling of unrest, the search for that place or moment where you are just you.

Home is when a place is no longer mysterious, no longer alluring, but still it is what you know best. It knows you and you know it. Home is just being so familiar with someone or some place that it  is a part of you - a part that never ever leaves you.

For me home is familiarity and acceptance. I know the walls of my house, I know the creases on my husbands face, I know the twinkle in my child's eyes and I know that in many ways I am home to them. Yet a part of me still yearns for walls where my son scribbled his first A,the streets where I spent time dreaming,  for for all the places and people I called home at different stages of my life.

This place I call home now, chose me. I belong here for now..... The memories of the places I called home are receding deeper, and at times I hear the call loud and clear, only to hush it down. The mountains have captivated me and every time I struggle to define my home, try to go back, I hear a whisper, this is home, this is where you belong.

Observe and learn

Look around us - people, people of different sizes, colors - each a snow flake, every life with a different purpose.  One aspect of my job that I absolutely love, is the whole spectrum of human beings that I get to interact with  Unlike jobs where you generally cross paths with one section or class of people, I get to strike conversation with a diverse mix.Youngsters just in the throes of beginning a new job, homemakers, unemployed, successful businessmen, professionals ... the full array . Hi- fliers, vagrants, drifters, writers, poets, magicians, musicians, professional gamblers, priests, a convict  yes those too. Stories of love, betrayals,addictions, survival , separations and unions. Stories of courage, of hope, of despair and will to live.
People from diverse backgrounds, countries, ages , with stories that would put the soap operas to shame, yet they all share a common story of love, hope , struggle, grief. It doesn't matter who you  are, it doesn't matter what you do, we are all united in our humanity. Our emotions are the same, our expression of the same might be different.

I have learnt life doesn't stop till it actually does and you need money to pay the undertaker even after you die, yet wealth does not buy you health or a seemingly healthy body not a long life. I have learnt that your courage is tested till the end - loss of near and dear ones are blows that take time to recover. You  never recover, but you do learn to live without them - your spouse or children.

I have learnt smile and kindness are the universal language of love and friendship and  that a kind word, a genuine show of concern in dire times forges connections for life.

One of the most important lessons I have learnt is never ever judge - you don't know the story until it is told to you. Time and again I find myself unknowingly judging people, and time and again I have been proven wrong - absolutely wrong. Everybody has a story - and  in many ways we write our own stories -each one of us. Our stories develop and grow with every choice we make. All our decisions, everyday, every moment sculpt us to be the person we are today.

Wordy communication

I have been fascinated by communication - the art of connecting with other souls.The tools are different, but the most common one are words. Verbal or written.  Never ending chain of words - tumbling out of my mouth -  often  unnecessary  and lethal in destroying the music of silence. We are afraid of silence , we are afraid to listen to our thoughts, to just be. I love words, am enthralled by its beauty, humbled by its power and just about how much pleasure or pain it can give me.

There are words and then there is body language - your tone, your stance, your sheer attitude when you talk to others - all a composite part of communication. Why is it that the words that sound perfect in your head come out all distorted? Relationships are built on communication- expression of emotions, exchange of thoughts, yet it is always so difficult to get the message across. Maybe we are so consumed by emptying our thoughts, we forget the very purpose of words.

Maybe we hear what we want to hear - maybe our actions speak louder than the words,or just maybe the words just got lost trying to find the way to the listener.  I am fascinated by words, by the empty spaces, by the sheer impact of it triggering off hundreds of conflicting emotions.Words popping out of pages of novels- evocative and imaginative - words coming out of our mouths laced with emotions and tones, words bland and precise in instruction books, words singing and dancing with music creating a whole different dimension.

Words in languages unknown, words corrupted or mutated by modern lifestyle - depending on how you look at things, words pure and ancient or obsolete , whatever be the case, are powerless or powerful depending on how we project it.

Visual arts, music - silence all communicate - yet words with its flexibility, with its strength is still most powerful of all - for it is just a seed that gets meaning in your head and heart. 

Embrace the unknown

It takes a second of bad decision to get into an accident, a minute to digest the bad news of ill-health or just to comprehend that life will not be the same anymore  Unexpected setbacks are part of our lives. We plan, we organize and just when we think we have got it all figured out, life happens. It generally happens when are least prepared for it. But then isn't this what life is all about? The ups and downs, the unpredictability, the challenges, learning to just accept and go with the flow?

The beauty of life lies in the mystery of unknown. The unraveling of life, the unfolding events - every moment unknown and maybe the last.

 The more rigid we are with our plans and pre-conceived notions, the harder it is for us to spring back. Being flexible, and always respecting the presence of unknown is what prepares us when things go out of our control.

Flexibility and going with the flow, the magic potion for keeping your peace of mind. The more we try to control the events in our lives, the deeper we sink into misery. This in no way implies that we remain inactive, it just means that we change our goals, we change our paths with changing scenery.

In our society, compromise, generally implies that we have adulterated our dreams. Yet compromise is the first step towards leading a peaceful life. Maybe compromising suggests not having the faith in your dreams, maybe it reflects our cynicism with life, but without the middle way, without changing our perspectives we are only adjusting our sails to the winds.

Digitally introvert

 In today's digital world where most of our relationships are digital - where our profiles on social media define who we are, where impersonal texts and comments define your interest in other people's life, I feel totally inept socially. Not that I don't like social media,  I love to hide behind it, just play the audience but because the effort to keep up the appearances is overwhelming.

Introverts find it hard to make small talks -personally or digitally or at least I do. I love having deep discussions, a hearty laugh and sharing viewpoints - the only problem is, it is only with  a select few. There are times when we do come across as rude or just plain unfriendly, but it is just that the effort to know and invite someone new into our lives is so massive that it just doesn't seem worth it. 

Selfies are definitely not for us , nor are discussing private life. I took down my birth date from my profile just because the effort to reply to all the wishes seemed to be too painful. Attending marriages, functions where small talks would be involved is a big no-no.I am always looking for an excuse to slip through, to just escape the crowd of meaningless and superfluous talks. 

The hard-work required to maintain the socially acceptable norms of being friendly can take a toll on us. Just exchanging pleasantries can be exhausting, depleting us of all the energy we need to keep going at it again next day. It is not that we don't love people, we do - but the need for space , the need to just be with our thoughts to recharge our batteries is higher. Also people who know us are not taken aback by the apparent rudeness or even if they are they choose to ignore it. 

Digital world has brought into my life people who I know but not actually know. The opportunity to connect is there, but the price to connect is too high at times. I try but fail dismally to communicate electronically - the instant chatting, the clutter of messages, the sheer number of people and the constant chatter scares me. I am just not able to keep up with it - multitasking is definitely not one of my traits.

When I look back, I realize that I always was like that, just that over the years you learn to pretend to survive. I am always unsure about how to react to compliments - unsure about responding to apparent successes and failures  especially on a platform that has an audience big enough to fill a performing theater.

I am slowly retreading - even though at times the imaginary cave I hide in can be lonely , I still prefer to stay there and visit the outside world once in a while to see if all is well. 

Redefining Marriage

Two people meet, connect, "fall in love", and all starry eyed and with the best  intention of spending the life together, get married. Yet almost 50% of marriages and relations end on acrimonious terms. Where do we go wrong? Is it that we choose the wrong partners, or is it that our commitment is not firm enough or maybe we marry with the wrong intentions? Or is it that the relationship fails to evolve with the changing times? And the most perplexing part is where does the love go?

Maybe marriage is an old fashioned concept, maybe expecting monogamy is a foolish thought, maybe some are just not meant to stay in a long term relationship. There are breakups, due to infidelity, emotional or physical ,mental or physical abuse and then there are break ups that are inexplicable. How do two people who are so madly in love that they vow to be together forever, end up at times hating each other?

In the past couple of years I have been surprised at marriages that seemed perfect to my eyes and made in heaven, were in fact flawed and hell for those involved. I was appalled not only at the how a seemingly healthy relationship had decayed, but also at how naive I was to assume that what was projected was the truth.  Marriages are complicated to say the least, especially in modern times, when the lines defining roles and genders are so blurred. People today stay together because they want to  and not because they have to. Individually we are all independent enough to survive and thrive on our own, and the reason we do get together is that the ties will strengthen our beliefs in ourselves and make us happier than we are.

Two different individuals , each growing at a different pace, add to that  uncertainty, living together facing challenging situations, some differences are not only acceptable, they are also, necessary for a healthy relation.  So how would we define a successful marriage? Is it defined by how long you both stay together or is it defined by how well you both grow  together?

The measure of a successful marriage is not defined by the years spent together, rather  how the relationship has catalyzed in the growth  of the individuals involved. We need to redefine what is termed as successful marriage. Maybe in some cases to  ensure that the shelf life does not exceed the advent of bitterness.

A dose of humour

Some ideas are so ridiculous that all  you can do is let your imagination run wild and laugh - laugh till tears run down your  cheeks and you then you laugh again because you sound so weird . I always end up feeling embarrassed  later - for I know I end up being really loud when I get excited or so have been told by many.

One thing I have learnt is that the only way to deal with tough situations and obnoxious people is to use humor as a weapon. The only problem with humor is that not everyone has the same sense of humor. What you might funny, may just make me smile, or seem too silly for even that. Finding a person with whom you can share your warped sense of the world, who will hold on to the string of sly smile even in a room full of people, and tug you into an adventurous room of ridiculous and improbable situations is priceless. 

Humor can be tricky, ridiculing someone can be treacherous - it is like walking on the black ice - you never know when you will slip. Yet when you look at the world and the situation with eyes of mirth, it dawns on us how insignificant and  inconsequential our preoccupation with ourselves and our problems is.

Always look at the funny side of a situation - find ways to laugh away your troubles. Look at yourself for what you really are - wearing glasses of  humor - for honestly - we are after all so minuscule in this vast universe and giving self importance and believing that the world revolves around is the root to all our problems. Make fun of your problems, and watch them fade away .

A Procrastrinator's viewpoint

There are people who are proactive and then there are some like me who are masters in postponing major decisions. It is so easy to slip into a comfort zone and stay there. Staying there even if it is uncomfortable ,is the problem. It is known and safe  - it is so much less effort to let things stay the way they are  than to do something about it right away. It might be the lazy bone in me, or it might be the "work-resistant" gene in me, but it takes every inch of resolution to work towards changing a status quo.

Spontaneous people just do it. People who are adaptable and open to suggestions are are also doers - and not to  speak of people are dissatisfied enough to take action. But there are some of us who are flexible and it takes a lot to faze us and jump into action. Maybe we over think, maybe we are neutral - living in the zen - no good or bad, or maybe just maybe we are lazy.

Hard work is not the major  issue for procrastinator.The issue ,is the hard work worth the result?We lie about it, penny pinching time, it is the fear of change that is the major obstacle, even if the change is for better. There is always tomorrow, there is always later in the day, with the only problem being instead of directly addressing the issues, we tend to drag and kill it, that is before it kills us.

The downside is that being aware of my tendency to stall and contemplate, I am also aware of the suffering it causes on me. Pretending I am living on a gun-point helps, but decisions and actions made when on virtual death row are definitely not the wisest and  that becomes another deterrent in taking prompt action - the fear of making the wrong choice. 

I have tried over the years to find solution to this issue -but guess what being a professional delayer, I am still looking for one. There are times though when dilly dallying works in your favor. Deciding not to decide can work in your favor if time exasperated by inaction takes it in hand to resolve the issue for you.

Yet knowing at times that there is no prince in shining armor coming to your rescue, no god    mother or fairy with the magic wand to make your problems disappear, you learn to drag your feet a little faster, toss the coin to take decision and just convince yourself that change cannot be that bad.

Speaking Up....

 Take my hand not my life .... the board proclaimed..... Say no to abortion , yes there he went again, my 13 year old son, reading the billboard aloud. For the past one year, he had been reading the same billboard loud, and another one with a similar message and giving me the "look" as if questioning me, or daring me to contradict the statement that abortion took lives. In fact he did ask me if I had ever considered abortion. I generally preferred to keep quiet and ignore his brashness,  but this time I decided enough was enough.

I glanced back and said in a firm voice hoping he understands that it was time we settled the issue. " It is a woman's body, and she decides whether she keeps the  fetus or not, nobody has the right to judge her or to interfere in her decision. It is a choice every woman has or should have and it is none of his or any other man's business.  Of course it threw him off track and the next question was what is , the difference between fetus and baby..... and so on and so forth.

I am pro-choice and want my boys to grow up respecting a woman's decision as to what she should do with her body and her life. I am not sure why, but I was very proud of myself , of speaking out what was in my heart , of introducing my son to a viewpoint which is not openly and publicly discussed and which generally warrants disapproval. A woman who decides to not go through a pregnancy has her own reasons, which are hers and hers alone and nobody has the right to judge her.

It is about time that people spoke up , women spoke up for their rights. I admire the medial professionals who risk their lives in providing services that save women's lives. As a mother to growing boys, as a woman who has the power to certain extent to change how the boys will perceive the women in their lives, it is my responsibility to raise and open their minds beyond stereotypical images. I was and will be their first impression of what defines a woman and believe me they are well aware that women are strong and their equal - not the same but equal.

Memory Catcher

We are collectors. We collect experiences. Sieving the good from the bad, carefully sorting them and storing them deep down somewhere in our hearts. Experiences taught by life, by people , some forgotten as mishaps, some reminding us to be on guard and others seeping  deep into our souls to change us forever.
Remnants of experiences are meant to be savored in our memories - we thrive on them. The inspiring moments, the fleeting impressions that somehow leave you transformed, the collage of pictures, the scars - visible and invisible  paint a picture of how we become as persons. What we collect is what we become. Collect happy memories to lean on when you need them... and you have a  treasure full of nostalgia to dig in to energize and move on
Be selective, before you store those memories. We have the power of imagination to water down the negative and to enhance the positive experiences in our lives. Visit the happy times more often, to soar high, and shrug off the negative memories, because it still has the power to influence us.  Our collection of memories are what we become in the end.
 Some people become a part of you - you don't forget them or remember them - they are just there. They might have passed away, they might not be physically present , but they very cleverly seep into your very soul to be there till the end.
Collectors always have a problem of not knowing though when to stop. Crowded and useless collection of people and memories will only drag us down by its weight. I prefer to at times just erase the unnecessary, retire the memories that no longer inspire or give me pleasure.
So guard your memories, cherish the happy ones,- they are your powerhouse of strength.

I have a collection of friends -some not in this world anymore, some too far away from me physically, some I am in touch with regularly, some not anymore, yet their influence on my personality can never be denied.

Packaged goods

Packaging, promoting, marketing - yes we all are products  and are as such required to brand ourselves and present to the world. Some people are naturally gifted and and are brash about their achievements while others are shy and prefer to keep low profile. Times have changed and humility is no longer considered to be a virtue. Presentation is considered one of the strengths.

So what about people who work and deliver results in professional life but are unable to brag about it or shout off the rooftops about it? What about people who are in the shadows in your personal life but refuse to effusively praise or blatantly display their popularity? Is there any hope for these people?

What you are and what you present yourself to be are two different things. We can magnify our strengths, distort our weaknesses, glorify our sacrifices to create a persona that hardly resembles what we actually are. Yet this is how most people will know you as. I read books, but to label me as bookwork would be unfair - implying that my knowledge is bookish is an insult to my intellect and also stereotypical.

Branding comes with its advantages - except for a select few - no one ever knows who you really are - you are well hidden under the wraps of gift wraps and packaging. Packaging that you choose  to pacify and please the audience  you are playing to. I can present myself to be an intellectual or a dumb person - but I am both actually - at times my wisdom surprises me and others I can't believe how stupid I can be. The ratio varies with situations and negates to making me an average ordinary person.

I refuse to be defined. If there is only one thing that I am passionate about and ferociously guard is my identity. My identity - fluid and colourless like water- undefined, , without a label, without a tag. How can I define or know myself when each day I grow and evolve into a different and hopefully a better person?

We are composite of different traits and characteristics and to label  someone with a characteristic that we are shown or prefer to see is foolish to say the least. 

Maybe that is why it is so hard for us to digest videos such as that of an executive who was caught on camera abusing a puppy or an athlete lying for years about drug use or in some cases committing crime. 

The art of doing nothing

There are days when I don't know where I am going . No plans,just floating aimless, when guilt and reason jolt me out of my peaceful stupor, instigating me to think, to plan, to reach somewhere. Reason comes with the ammunition of goals, success and achievement along with the super villain insecurity and fear. Yes they all come and mock at my seemingly happy life, taunting me to show what have I done with my life.

Isn't it enough that I am living my life, accepting whatever comes my way with open arms, I ask? Just   Accepting and adapting myself to whatever life brings me- no questions asked.  Don't get me wrong, I am all for dreaming big, setting goals that are beneficial to the humankind in general, but, I also have the wisdom to understand that what I want is not what I  will always get. Sometimes life offers more than I  expected and other times even the simplest of our desires are nullified.

The only key to living a happy life is to adapt to the changes that come our way.. Life is alive, breathing and unpredictable. You live it only when you communicate in the language it speaks, when you love it whole heartedly with all it's warts and flaws that are part of this gift called life. The  more you resist, the more you struggle, the unhappier you are. One day at a time, one breath at a time is  the only way to live.
The day when I have nowhere to go, no desire to be anyone, when I am at peace with my "now", not wanting or not basically totally unaffected with my past or future, is when I am happy. No desire to change, no desire for more, just plain and simple acceptance.

Life is beautiful, and the only way to enjoy it is embrace it with open arms and open hearts. Yet one of the hardest thing for a human being to do is to be open. Life is simple, organized to a certain extent , with natural laws and guidelines guiding all species.

Just let go

If there was just one quality that I had to choose that would lead towards happiness, it is cultivating the habit of letting go. Losses are part of our lives. We all go through financial, emotional and personal losses at various stages in our lives. Is there a way to avoid pain and loss? No, it is part of living and part of life... even the trees have to shed leaves, rivers dry up, oceans go through low tides, flowers shed petals. Things happen, things beyond our control.. death of close ones, broken hearts, broken trusts, disappointments, failures and experiencing emotions that leave us uncomfortable. We, human beings are complex. We have mourning  periods for people who pass over, we accept the grief and then live our lives. Yet when we face emotional loss, we like to play the victim.

We complain, wallow in self- pity and are outraged at our imagined privileges being revoked. Life is not fair- that is the truth. Karma is delusional... yes I honestly believe that life does not care or keep account of your good or bad deeds. There is no such thing as trade offs. The only trade off is that when you do good, you feel good and when you hurt somebody you  feel bad. This is all considering that you have a conscious that is alive and kicking. Bad things happen to good people all time, it always has and always will .

Living a joyful and full life requires us to stop feeling victimized. Mourn over your losses and get over. Letting setbacks and disappointments consume and bog you down is what negativity is all about. One of the way to get over is to stop being self-centred. The moment we realize that life and living is greater than us, greater than our problems, we can choose to not to wallow in self pity. We all have the choice to either drag all our negativity with us or to travel light. Choose happiness, keep seeking light, and in time of darkness, let the stars keep you company and if not remember to bring your own source of light. 

Momentary bliss

Water hose on full blast, coloured shredded pieces of balloons strewn on the driveway, 15 kids, drenched to the core - all freezing still when I drove up. I had my jaw open, not believing the unexpected guests. One look at my son's face full of fear , made me realize that not reacting would be the wisest decision on my part. Contemplating on the day's event made me realize that  this what memories are made of - kids deciding on the spur of moment to get together to prank each other, only to end up in a water fight - armed with bucket, water hose and of course balloons. Isn't this what life is all about?  All the phones, all their electronics were all forgotten in that moment.

We are all looking for ways to live our life well, yet our life ends up being a series of activities trying to make a living. Practically, making a living, paying bills cannot be ignored. As we grow older, we can hear sand slipping through our fingers, time chipping away our years, as we desperately work hard to accumulate and secure our life.  Is it because of our incessant multi-tasking in our day to day activity, our over-exposure to information or is it that we no longer have the time to sit down with just our thoughts.

Uninvited and unwanted thoughts, impersonating as vandals wielding knives of fear of insecurity. Life seems rushed, our sources of joy more inaccessible and dependent on either people surrounding us or material goods. Learning to find joys in simple living means unlearning all that we have be accumulated. Unlearning, dissipating the myths of permanence of our opinions, including our views of what constitutes and contributes towards our well being, is the first step towards freedom. Freedom from societal pressures, freedom from the bondage of what is expected from us, and just being true to the very core of our existence.

Views and opinions

Opinions are just that... Opinions. It carries no weight and rightly should not matter so. What you think is your viewpoint, we all have the basic right to think and derive our own conclusions.  Every kid,every adult should be encouraged to think and form their own opinion.  Facts and truth are not the same, and in the same way what I think is not necessarily right.

Growing older and being wiser, I also realize that keeping my channels opened to new information, and reserving the right to change my opinion is a part and parcel of growing up. Whenever we close our minds, whenever we our stuck with what we believe to be right, we reject so many opportunities to learn and grow. 

Years ago, I rejected hard rock music, deeming it as loud . But when I sat down with my teenager, to listen, to understand the lyrics, it opened up a whole new world to me. I wonder what if I had obstinately stuck to listening to only what I had heard when growing up. I enjoy discussions, enjoy stepping out of my comfort zone to grow as a person. Every day I am exposed to new facts, new information, new people and new opinions that change the way I look at world. If I am not the same, how can I still be sticking to the same old opinions? 

If there is one thing that I have learnt in life, it is to keep your mind open. Be ready to accept your mistakes, be fertile to learning new things. There is no right or wrong. Years ago the thought of eating raw fish was unbearable, now I love eating sushi. Embrace new experiences, even of it makes you uncomfortable..because that is the only way to grow. 

Connecting the dots

I had the pleasure of watching the brilliant colours of evening skies melting into darkness. Someone splashed the sky with hues of orange and reds and then decided to quietly ease the dramatic colours to subdued greys. The living and breathing skies ...For that moment - watching the sky hide its talent, made me realise my good fortune to play the attentive audience.

Every stroke painted on the sky, every song played by the breeze, every twinkle, evening light, all seeking our attention defines the purpose of our life. Each time I am invited and included in the show or concert of nature, I feel I am the chosen one and that the purpose of life is to applaud nature's shows. Whenever we are connected to nature in our own small ways - we are connecting the dots, being part of what we were meant to be, announcing in our own small ways that yes - we belong to this planet.

Yet there are some moments, some sights , some sounds that inspire awe in us - this sense of disbelief that we could be lucky enough to be part of this journey called life. In that particular moment all your worries dissipate, all your sense of accomplishment or lack of it become unimportant and all you are aware of is that life is so much greater than us.

Connect with nature to feel blessed, to understand that we are part of it and the rules that apply in nature applies to us too. The rising and setting of sun, the waxing and waning of moon, the falling leaves, the drying rivers, the flaming forests - all a reminder that losses, failures are as much a part of life as the magnificent beauty of  power displayed by nature.

Make your own story

Isn't life just a series of moments connecting to make a story that is uniquely yours? Think about it, why is it when we lose somebody, we miss them so much? Why do some wounds although bandaged and safely medicated, never heal?

As human beings, our relationships with others are what gives our life a meaning. Every being that touches our soul, , isn't this what ultimately is life about? I believe that there are 5 essential rules to living a fulfilled life - 

1. Be true to yourself. We are not perfect, none of us are. Our flaws are a part of us, and they complete us. 

2. Be present : This is the hardest. But isn't being there in the moment, being present the only way to live? Nothing absolutely no moment can be replicated and that is the truth. Whether it is sorrow, or happiness, until and unless we give it our 100% we are not living . 

3. Let go : As much as I like to be in control, letting go of a situation, and just allowing universe to take its own course is the best solution. 

4.Adaptability : When we stop resisting change, and learn to adapt to new situations, living begins.

5.Love: Life is love and to love is life. We generally associate love only with human relations, but love is wishing good, seeing good and being joyous.

Welcome life, grab every moment of joy, and hold on tight. You are unique and your story is unique too.  Spread joy, and see it reflecting back tenfold times 

A place to call home

Lately a thought has slowly been gaining prevalence amongst all the other  emotions generally clamouring for attention. A feeling that I have tried to shrug off, brush away as irrelevant or just a fleeting emotion. But the more I try to ignore it, the more it keeps popping up.

Time and again I like to take stock of my life. The older I grow the more I realize the fallacy of analyzing  life,  or even basic emotions. Yet the older we get, the harder it is to get rid of old habits... And introspection is a part of me, which just refuses to let go.

In finding the recipe for happiness, I always underestimated or maybe refused to admit the importance of belonging. We all have our identities tied to our religion, region, our language or our blood ties. But when you are displaced, either by choice or forcibly, your survival depends on  your adaptability. Adapting means giving up on some of your old characteristics and blending into a society of your choice.

I have always struggled to belong.... The longing to be at home, to be myself , to be
at ease. We humans are insecure and always feel threatened by change. We like to stress on our difference rather than the commonality, maybe because the differences are what makes us belong to the herd -- our nationality, our religion or language. We are social, we live in groups and being an outsider can be a challenge.

Our desire to belong, to be accepted by our peer, to revel in the strength of similarity is what encourages us to conform to the unsaid laws of uniformity in society.

As I grow older, I have realized that the void of not belonging has been filled with empathy and kindness. Over the years I have accepted that I will be living on the fringe of society, I am too mutated to be accepted in any group or be a member of a herd. So I will be walking alone,secretly   always looking for the place that I can say truthfully is home

Gift of life

Every dawn brings in a new day wrapped as a gift - a gift that may or may not be what you wanted, a gift that might just be ordinary, or maybe something that amazes you. Whatever be the case, every morning, at daybreak, life knocks on your door, with 24 brand new hours. Open it up, admire it  and don't forget to say thanks to the Giver, for there will surely be one day for each one of us, when the gifts will stop coming in. 

Do you wake up, feeling curious about what the day will hold for you? Does every day feel like a new day to you or an extended version of yesterday? There are days, when I just wake up, taking for granted the new day offered to me and then there are days when you watch the sun rise and realize what a miracle it is for your eyes to be seeing such a glorious sight.

Life flows, we are an extended version of our yesterday, preferably a better version. Yet learning to welcome each day with open arms, each new experience as a gift, a fleeting gift, is what living is ultimately about. The more we feel abundant in our gifts and miraculous life, the more we will share our joy.

We have the choice to take the best of the past and use it to guide in  our future.

So appreciate the blessings, the people in your life, acknowledge and let go of negative people and incidents, because the lighter you travel, the easier the journey will be.

― H.L. Mencken

Of Bruises and Pain

Who knew that one sprained leg and restrictive physical movement would teach me so much about myself ?  I am basically a very skeptically person. I  need physical evidence like bruises, measure temperature or hear the sneezes to empathize. Naturally it applies to me too. It is frustrating for me to understand  with my own pain. Yet a week of controlled pain - thanks to painkillers, forced rest and slowing down in my everyday activities taught me to be humble. In many ways it was a like travelling 25 years in future -giving me a glimpse of what life has in store for me in my senior years.

Handicapped parking, staircase railings, lift chairs all started to make sense and I can appreciate the advancement in technologies like motorized scooters as well. Just a minor damage to one part of my body brought me literally to me knees. It has taught to ask for help and not feel guilty about it. If I ever had any doubts about my contribution in housework, it is suffice to say within a day it was clear that I was the indispensable  union worker - the house could not function well without me. 

I am learning to accept that although the body is mine, I don't control its healing. Patience, lots of patience is the first lesson. I also have a renewed respect for my old imperfect self - I could move, walk, run, and even jump with both legs. 

The most important lesson I have learnt is that you can never plan anything. Life happens when you least expect it. You can wallow in self-pity or laugh at the situation you are in, the pain and time to heal remains the same.

So here I am learning to make the best of the situation, hobbling and complaining, at times. Grumpy and at times trying to comprehend what this is supposed to teach me. In the meantime, I will continue to work 50% of my capability without trying to feel guilty about it. 

Unfolding your dreams

Life is fluid and unpredictable. Yet we are always setting goals  in personal and professional life. Come to think of it, isn't it foolish and to a certain extent arrogance on our part to plan ahead? The  unfolding events revealing our path slowly as we move ahead in life, makes all the more reason for us to just go with the flow.

We all like to plan and create our own path, it is considered desirable trait to be ambitious and chart your own course.I am all in favour for it, after all even a river follows a course. Yet wisdom dictates that time is ever changing  and to survive and be happy, we need to go with flow. 

What is life in the end, if not a series of experiences, as fleeting as the drops that merge into a flowing stream? In a nutshell life is not our memories, it is not our plans for future, life is now. Every minute, every breath we take is life. I also feel, that living is meaningless  without connecting with other beings. Every touch, every smile, every tear that we share, every heart that we touch, is what reaffirms that we are alive and kicking.

The people we connect with, open our hearts to, and show our vulnerabilities to, are who in the end complete us . They are the dots  we need to connect to reveal the picture of who we are. Life is in the end all about how much we have enjoyed meeting the people, of lending a helping hand and of joys that warm our heart

We will all pass away,but if we have lived our lives being true to ourselves, living in the present and just accepting that this wonderful opportunity to be part of something bigger than we can imagine is a blessing, an opportunity to traverse the flow of life, we would have lived our life successfully.

Sweet 16

Dear son,

I am not sure son, if you could touch the tears rolling down my cheeks as I write to you. No reason, but let me tell you, letting go is hard, but seeing you fly high, proud and true to yourself, is going to be worth all the tugs at my heart ...

A couple of weeks more, till you peak your teens. Time seems to be slipping through my fingers, as I see you turning into a young man right before my eyes. I want to hold on to the kid a little longer, although I have to admit, I enjoy our "adult" conversations a lot. 16, oh sweet 16.... enjoy every minute of your youth dear son, every second live fully. Work hard, party hard , ( I have a feeling this will back to bite me in coming year) fall in love and dream .... lots . Every reality begins with a dream. So just don't stop dreaming and any setbacks hold you down for long. Life is just beginning for you and soon you will be able to lead "your" life your way. I am still deciding how much I can hold on to you, how much I should lead you. But who is to say I know everything? I am a fallible human, prone to mistakes... so son make your own mistakes, create your own story .

I  realize  in the past year you have grown more responsible. I can't tell you how much it gladdens my heart when you make that special cup of coffee for me, or when you are ready to make dinner, just because you know I am tired. Every minute I spend with you is precious, because every minute you are evolving, changing into this wonderful person I am proud to call my son.

Life will happen, you will falter. You will be confused and unsure... that is okay. I am there for you. Everytime when you look behind you will see me standing at a distance... far enough to not canoodle you , but close enough for you to see that no matter what you do, you are loved.

I have no advice to give you , you are wiser than me. I am tempted to go back to my old ways and start what you call "lecturing",but this time round I am just going to have faith in my parenting and resist from giving you any advice. Except for one ( come on I am allowed one). As you are preparing to enter the workforce, all I can say is work with all honesty , work hard and  be proud of your achievements, but still be humble enough to learn more. Nobody likes a "know it all". See that wasn't too bad .

Soon you will be an adult, no younger a juvenile, no more mercies will be shown to you. It scares me, because for me you will always be my baby. Whatever the future holds for you, just remember that you are loved... no matter what, no matter where you are, you just have to give a shout and I will be there.

I am not sure son, if you could touch the tears rolling down my cheeks as I write to you. No reason, but let me tell you, letting go is hard, but seeing you fly high, proud and true to yourself, is going to be worth all the tugs at my heart ...

Happy 16th birthday!!! Enjoy your prime time.... every minute.. every second.

Love,
Mom.

Insecurity and fear

Why is it that the more we have, the more we fear? The basis for all our fears in life is insecurity. Nothing in life is guaranteed, and the fear of loss stems up from the very source of wisdom, which wants us to believe that we are in control of our lives. Life cannot be planned, life cannot be predicted, yet when we look at how we live and have lived, it is all a series of thoughtful and seemingly wise decisions taken without the consideration that change is inevitable.

Security , the warm fuzzy feeling of being cocooned in all that is good, all that you want from life. The feeling of knowing you have enough, that you are loved for what you are - without any agenda for improvements. Yet our inner voice, the wise voice knows, that only guarantee in life is change and that is when the conflict between what we have and our fear of losing it gives rise to insecurity and fear. We try everything within our means to keep the current comfy situation the way it is. Desperately clinging to some wild belief that we can control the change, we amass wealth, greedily hoarding for the rainy day, never sure that we have enough. We try  drastic measures to look young, resorting at times to mutilating our body, unable to accept that although our souls may live forever, our physical body is decaying every minute, eager to be one with the dust. 

We hang on to people we love, drowning them at times with our fears and insecurities. Every negative action or reaction is based on our fear of insecurity and loss. Maybe this is what differentiates us from the other creatures in nature, our sense of entitlement, our belief that the world revolves around us and our refusal to admit the only truth that we are just travelers passing by this beautiful planet.

If we take a deep breath and think, really think, the gist of life, the reason for living becomes clear. We are in a journey together , whether we admit it or not , like it or not, it is the same destination . We have a choice, to take each day, each breath and appreciate the beauty around us. We have the choice to either love our life or to change it with action. Whatever we do, the fact remains, that ultimately all we can gather are memories, memories created by us, created with love. Create memories, breathe in the beauty around you. Look up from the books, look around and smile, not because we have perfect life, smile because you realize that life happened to you ...

Coming alive

There are two paths to follow in life , times when you just have to let life write its story to you and you go with the flow. Then there are times, when you have to take a stand for yourself to just maybe feel that, yes you are alive and empowered. Choosing the right path at the right time is the key to living. Knowing when to just let go and when to take charge.

I have always believed in going with the flow, because fighting against it took up lot of my energy and at times led to disappointments. But I have realised that taking the reins of life in my hands sometimes even if it leads to utter failure gave me more satisfaction . 

Taking action is empowering ourselves.Passivity breeds dependency and  helplessness.We ourselves are responsible for filling in the cracks in our personalities that prevent us from feeling complete. Nobody, absolutely nobody can make us feel complete just  as nobody can make us feel incomplete. Two people don't complete each other , rather two complete people complement each other. Every time we look for the puzzle piece outside of ourselves, we fail. 

Yet we  are social animals and  try as much as we might, we are always looking for  approval from outside sources. Our self-esteem, our very perception about who we are , is dependent to a certain extent to other people's opinions about us. Freedom comes from not disassociating ourselves from other people's reactions, but by refusing to be defined by them.

The journey to be a complete version of myself, where I am comfortable in my own company, in my own skin is a long and maybe arduous one. I might be successful or maybe not, but the first step to loving myself has been discovering that living a life in the reflection of other people's expectation is living a life of lie. No reflections, no judgements, just plain breathing and living and celebrating our very existence is what life is about. 

The anxiety demon

Ever had an anxiety attack? It is like living through a nightmare , all the scenarios of things that can go wrong , all happening at one place and same time. Fear takes over reasoning, and you are transported from the present moment into a future from hell, You feel paralyzed by the out of control non stop chattering in your head, pushing you into a deeper hole of helplessness. Like a drowning man, you struggle to keep afloat, gasping for a breath, wishing the hush the voices in your head that sometimes spirals you out of control.

Insecurity and fear of change are the worst enemy. Fear erodes your self confidence and insecurity is like the shackles that imprisons you and is a major impediment in Living life. Fear is the product of insecurity. Life is unpredictable, and change is mandatory.  The problem is change is unpredictable. Although consciously we are all aware of the fluid nature of our existence, yet we live in a state of denial.

I find the more comfortable I am in a situation, the more resistant I am for change. The more I hold on to what I have, the more I am insecure. Just like you need to eat healthy consistently, exercise regularly to maintain your physical health, you also need to contemplate on the impermanence of life everyday. Living in the moment requires all your attention. It is a practice , a regular meditati and ongoing work in progress.

There are some people who are strong enough to live a fulfilled life without faith, but I find it hard to survive just by logical thoughts about the reason we are existing. There is no reason to believe that the facts are truth. Believing in a power larger than us, empowers us to dream big. Believing  in miracles, rises us above our belief that we are small and insignificant .