Letting go or holding on...

As my son is growing older and I know will be waiting to seek my advice on what to do next.  What do I tell him? Should I let him find his own way and make mistakes, or do I just let him lead his life borrowing lessons from my experiences?

Do I warn him of imminent heartbreaks and disappointments or just wait to catch him when he falls? 

Should I tell him that youth doesn't last for long - enjoy it or should I tell him that work hard for money doesn't last for ever  too? 

All these questions are troubling me. In many ways I want him to enjoy and explore the world before he gets ensnared into the worldly routine of making money to pay bills, yet I also know that if he works hard now, paying bills would definitely get easier later in life.

I realize that the time he invests in creating memories with friends will give him something to lean on, yet I also know that the same time he invests in creating his career will make life more comfortable for him.

Oh the perils and choices in parenting. Letting go, holding on, imparting our wisdom, or letting life teach them lessons, making choices for them or letting them choose and learn, the decisions are gut wrenching. 

Of Angels and Fairies

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”
― Roald Dahl

Dragonflies are lucky, and butterflies are your angels. Rainbows mean someone is looking after you and I would like to believe the hummingbird in my yard was sent to give me the message of love. The rays of sun peeking through the clouds are the blessings from another world, the bird singing in my backyard is delivering the message of hope and yes even the ladybird on the dew soaked leaf is just a symbol of good luck. The four leaf clover, the penny found on the road, the butterfly ,hovering over me, bring hope. You may say it is all fantasy,it is superstitious, not the truth, but who cares? 

Life in the world of harsh realities,  life can at times seem unbearable to live. Day to day living, bills, crimes, endless strife -practical matters- needless worries all over the time can leave us questioning the wisdom of life being beautiful. Before we know the joy of living is replaced by just being  a participant in the process of life.

There is no escape from the harsh realities of life, but  romanticizing life by adding a dash of magic to it can make living brighter.  Some may also accuse  you of being unrealistic, yet seeing beyond what is obvious, inventing hope and actively looking for what is beautiful in life, what is good in people is what makes living worthwhile. I find it fascinating that the sun that is casting its last rays on my land, is rising in some far corner of the world. I find the touch of snow flakes magical, the belief and ease with which the trees shed their leaves magical, the instincts of survival in even the smallest of creature magical.

So go ahead, read some fantasies, believe in happy endings, believe in fairies  and angels and add colour to a life that can otherwise turn dreary. Believe in magic, believe in miracles, look at the world with renewed wonder each day - for every day is indeed different.There is no escape from the harsh realities of life

Decisions in Parenting

There are times when the decisions you take as parents are not easy. Especially for me, as I live mostly in grey area - less of black and white.My childhood was different from my children- I know every parents is and that's why they call it the generation gap, but here its more of cultural gap too. Education system was different, (though I have to admit - I hated it), there was tremendous pressure to succeed academically (which again was hated) and the list goes on.

My problem is how do I strike the fine balance ?  I didn't like the pressure of excelling growing up, so there are days when I will just let my son decide when he wants to study. Let him take the lead. This goes on for a couple of weeks, and then the biggest evil of all "guilt" points its finger at me - saying I am a bad parent. So, here I am now pushing my son to work harder, to set the goals higher.

And so the yo-yo continues and I end up feeling like a failure as a parent. I remember when I was a teen and my mother used to goad me to excel or aim higher, I was always like "No -  I don't care". She told me at that time " When you grow older and see others doing better than you, you are going to blame me for not pushing you harder", which was of course dismissed by me without a second thought.  Yet here I am now, 20 years later, blaming my parents for not being ambitious enough for me and not wanting to repeat the same "mistake" with my kids.

So here is my question to all the parents out there - how do you know that you  are pushing your kid just enough?

Living in the moment

What are we afraid of? Look deep and it is all the fear of loss. We are all afraid of losing what we have. It might be our youth, our money, status, people we love or our health. But fear and anxiety is the result of our perception of losing something that we love , something that we perceive we have in our present.

Most of our insecurities, arise out of the fear for future. Our prediction for how things will end, our fictional stories about "what ifs", and our course our arrogant belief that we control our lives. Think about it, all the worries, all the anxieties are the hell created by our own mind.The moment we let our imagination take control over the reality, we spiral down into self-created world - a world far removed from reality, a world that is just not there. If you think logically, get your mind back in control, you will realize that all worrying about the future is just unnecessary suffering. Suffering about something that hasn't happened and maybe will never happen.

Fear is paralyzing and so is insecurity. The only way to face fear is to accept that although we may appear to be in control of our lives, we are not. It is our choice to either have faith that things will work out in the end, or to create a hell out of nothing. Without faith, even the strongest of us, will be pulled down into the world of doubts and helplessness. I don't care if you believe in God, or in the power of Universe, but so long as you believe that you are part of something larger than yourself, something more powerful , you won't be fearful.

Most of the unpleasant events in my life occurred when I least expected them and also happened when I was secure that life is wonderful. In many ways the only way to face fear is to face it straight in the eyes. Asking the question what is the worst that can happen really clarifies the picture. Also ask will the consequences of the event really matter in the end?

Letting your logical mind take control over your fear takes practice . In our quest for future, we forget that we have "now". We don't know what will happen the next minute, leave aside what will happen years from now. Only the present moment is the truth, only your breath is reality and practising this, teaching your brain to accept it is what finally leads to be fearless.

Does honesty really matter?

“All cruel people describe themselves as paragons of frankness.”
― Tennessee William

In a world full of  fake smiles, does honesty really matter? And is honesty the same as being truthful? There are two types of honesty - one is the clear and well defined one -not stealing, not being crook honest - that is the very basis of a still functioning world. The other is being honest in your thoughts and feelings. Saying what you  mean and meaning what you say type of honest. Being genuine, being frank- all supposedly virtues- which although makes life simple, is not practical. 

I have often prided myself on being outspoken, and being apparently honest. There have been more times than I dare to remember when my "honest" opinion has gotten me into trouble. In all these years, being honest and open was one thing I never doubted to be wrong. Maybe it is age, maybe it is part of growing up but I am finally learning to admit that honesty is not always the best policy. Facts are not truth, although they might be basis for truth. Nor are opinions -what I think honestly doesn't matter.Opinions are biased, they are your snapshot of a situation, so how can being honest help?

The only person we truly need to be brutally honest is with ourselves. The moment we start lying to ourselves, the moment we twist the truth or brush it with a layer of lies - we are in trouble. The problem is being to truthful to yourself is not only hurtful but needs introspection. Just like we sugarcoat words with others, we do so with ourselves too. Although many times it does feel unnecessary to look deep inside with magnifying glasses, in the long run, lying to ourselves results in running away from our fears and insecurities.

Honesty is a relative term - a very personal opinion. Screening information, selective truth is the way to sustain not only your sanity but also to maintain relationships.

Autumn

All the signs of Autumn are visible - the kids back in school, foggy mornings, shorter days and even the air smells different - a blend  of dried leaves mixed with pine cones. Autumn, not only proclaims the end of summer, but is like a pause before the seemingly long winter begins. Life recites a poetry through  the decaying leaves, and soon to be bare trees. Everyday, the leaves seem willingly ready to change colors and  be disowned by the tree that it nourished.  The blowing leaves, cheerfully and willingly nourishing the soil, still serves  the tree in its own way.

Early morning walks in the Fall, are always mysterious, with the mist and crunching leaves covering the ground Everything seems to be water painted - soft, blended and ethereal. Although the season is short, the changes are dramatic, days receding , crispier air, greens giving in to the last burst of color, and finally when they are shed trustingly dancing to the tunes of wind, being carried away to places unknown, to be mulched and transformed into something totally different.


 I am always surprised by the views that are revealed by the bare trees, all obscured by the thick foliage in summer. Hidden treasures of unseen views are revealed. Streams that you only could hear earlier can now be seen, just as the houses and their secrets hidden by the veil of leaves. Fall is more precious when you realize that the splash of vibrant  and dramatic colors won't be lasting for long. This short season is the prologue to the  long and gray winter ahead . It is a celebration, of the end of summer and the desperate nature holding on to the last blast of colors.

Live with it

One very important lesson that I have learnt in my life is that we all have our shortcomings, fears, our inadequacies. Some of us even live in constant pain- physical or emotional all the time. We are not perfect, we are not complete, but how we treat our weaknesses, how we adapt them in our day to day life, defines who we are. 

Some of our fears, some of our pains are not going anywhere, they are part of us. We have to live with it - or more precisely live around it. Living is not easy, maybe easier for some more than others, but we still it would be foolish to assume that the person who is giving you that confident smile, doesn't have its own little hell hidden in some corner of his brain. 

How you deal with your fears, with your shortcomings is the end who you end up being.  You have the choice to either wallow in self-pity and restrict your life - blaming it all on fate and your shortcomings, or you can take a detour and work around it. 

If you are afraid of the dark, light a lamp, if you are afraid of driving on the highway, take the internal lanes..... whatever restricts you , whatever pulls you down, you always have the choice to work around it. We all have our insecurities, even the strongest of us - even the most confident.What matters is whether you have the courage to face it and even if overcoming it seems insurmountable, can you work your way around it?  

We all have to live with our fears, pain and losses - and they will be mutate as life happens, old fears giving into new, but living with it, accepting it and working it in our day to day life, and ensuring that it doesn't hinder our growth, but enhances our character is what inpirational living is all about.

Quotes on Children

“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.”
― Margaret Mead

“Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them with your favorite colors.”
― Khaled Hosseini

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
― Phyllis Diller

“ You'll love your children far more than you ever loved your parents, and -- in the recognition that your own children cannot fathom the depth of your love -- you come to understand the tragic, unrequited love of your own parents.” 

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself... 
You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.” 
― Kahlil Gibran

“Children are knives, my mother once said. They don’t mean to, but they cut. And yet we cling to them, don’t we, we clasp them until the blood flows.” 

Empowerment

Nothing in the world is more powerful than our mind. It senses everything, it records every event, and in many ways controls our reactions. It can be perceived maybe as soft as clay, with delible writings of the past molding our thoughts, but also like clay, maybe it can again be erased to create something new. Most of us though treat our minds like a hard surface-with every incident recorded like a scratch - unerasable. 

Our reactions to the present situations are based on our past experiences. But we forget that doing so we are not experiencing the moment as it is - with fresh eyes.It is so easy for us to play victims, to succumb to the unfairness of life. There is something about being helpless, of blaming everything on destiny .  

I definitely believe in going with the flow - of not resisting the changes in my life. At the same time, I feel I am empowered  to react to the changes - I have the power to control what my mind can perceive. Nobody absolutely nobody can take away that away from me. You choose to be happy and if you feel a wave of sadness coming in - you wait either to surf the wave or to hold you breath till the wave passes over you.

We might not control our destiny always, but we definitely control how we react to it. At times we may need  floaters to prevent us from drowning, and at times we might not be strong enough to swim or float on our own, but at times like this we still have the power to ask for help. Drowning is easy, death is easy, it is the living that needs all our strength. Control the mind,tame the past, and soar the heights you are meant to reach.

Marriage and Friendship

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

All relationships are based on the principles of friendship - of being the mirror for each other. Life changes and making the choice to spend the rest of the life with one person not only requires lot of courage, but also a commitment to work hard on the relationship. 

How would you define a successful marriage?  Life changes, we change, we grow, and the challenges that we face as we grow older changes with time too. It is foolish on our part to expect marriage to be anything else than a partnership based on trust and love. As a couple, growing old together sometimes at different pace, facing different challenges through out the life - some together as a couple , some our own individual struggles, a marriage is the safety net that we count on to support us. Actually it is a net that we weave together tended by our love and trust. The stronger the base, the firmer the commitment, the longer and happier the marriage. 

It is impossible for two individuals in love, to not go through different phases of withdrawals, and commitments. Trust is the basis of any relationship and it is especially true for marriages. Everyday life can be monotonous and if not that, the challenges to survive can take toll on the best of couples. The secret is for each one of the spouse to take turns in tending the relationship. To be the strength, to be the truth mirror, to just be there always, is what relationship is all about.

A partner is your support, your pillar strength - with each taking turns in leaning in . A strong partnership results in each individual getting energised from the relation and reaching new heights.No marriage can survive, if it is preventing you to reach your potential. Being there for each other, being the strength, not the weakness of  each other is the basis for a successful marriage.