Life Predicaments

Why do I always make a resolution to eat healthy only after eating junk? Why not before I put it the slice of pizza in my mouth and not just one but couple?

Why is it that after you have cleaned up the kitchen and are just about to rest, one of the kids is hungry.

Why do I have no answer to my 15 year old as to why he should make his bed everyday not just every week?

Why is it just when you give up looking for something, it appears?

Why is when you decide not to think about something, it is all you can think of?

Why even after resting on the weekend you still have to drag yourself to work on Monday morning?

Why do most plans just end up being plans?

And most importantly, why does every conversation, every request and every

pleading end up with a “Why” from my kids?

Perspective

Perspective

“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.”C.S. Lewis.

One object, different views, one story different interpretations. Every object looks different depending on how and where you see it from. Our conception of truth depends not only on the facts, but how you perceive it. In an ideal world, we would see situations in life just as they are without any distortion, yet in the real world whether we like it or not all our opinions are biased, based on what we have experienced in the past.

Understanding and accepting that people come from different backgrounds and that their view differs depending on their vantage point, makes us empathetic and more tolerant to others. Try reminiscing an old incident with a friend, and see what memories they carry about that same incident. Chances are each of you will be telling a totally different story. It is an eye-opener for sure,making you wonder if you both are talking about the same thing.

A terrorist for some,maybe a martyr to another. It all depends on how you “want” to look at it and what side of the fence you are. A dandelion maybe perceived as a flower or a weed, depending on how we want to look at it. Most of our perceptions are also based on what is convenient to us. Truth is too large for us to encompass in one sweeping brush, but accepting that all our perceptions of what is right or wrong is tainted, will make us kinder towards others.

A comment maybe interpreted as a complain or silence as aloofness. We don't control how others see us, but yes we do have control on how we see others. What you see or hear depends on how you feel about yourself . Just like water changes color and shape depending on the container, so does our perception of people and situations.

Some quotes from "The Road less Traveled "

Here are some quotes by M.Scott Peck - the writer of "The Road Less Traveled", a must read book. I read it first 20 years ago and still go back to  it time and again...

Good discipline requires time. When we have no time to give our children, or no time that we are willing to give, we don't even observe them closely enough to become aware of when their need for our disciplinary assistance is expressed subtley. 

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. 

“Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.” 

“We cannot solve life's problems except by solving them.” 

“Love is the free exercise of choice. Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other.” 

“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” 

Smile it's Mark Twain

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Life is short, Break the Rules. Forgive quickly, Kiss SLOWLY. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably And never regret ANYTHING That makes you smile.

The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor: he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.

Decision making in 40's

There has been a change in my attitude towards life and the decisions I have been making. Being in 40's makes you realize that life is indeed short and the urgency to live life to the max is highlighted. Experiencing life and its bumps and highs, changes our mindset towards decision making. The mid-life crisis is more of a self-realization that we are at intermission and. time really does fly with the awareness becoming more profound as we get closer to our final destination. Our perception towards what is good, what is safe changes too. Here are some factors that have been lately affecting my decision making process.

1. If I were to die today, would this matter?
2. What's the worst that can happen?
3. If somebody has problem with me, it' s his/her problem, so why should I worry?
4. Mistakes happen, we all err, accept it and deal with it. Who is perfect here ?
5. Not all decisions are in my control, going with the flow and accepting the higher power makes life easier.
6. If you don't ask , the answer is always no . So ask and reach out to people you care about.
7. Is my decision/action hurting anyone ?
8. How would I feel if I was on the receiving end of the decision?
9. Would I regret not doing it 10 years from now?
10. Showing compassion towards myself is as important as showing it to others. Just do it , don't worry about the consequences. If you are wrong , don't worry people are there to show you your faults – you focus on your strengths.

And of course in the end, it all ends. So I might be wrong, err, maybe commit blunders, in the end nothing matters except for whether I appreciated and lived my life to the full capacity and if I was able to bring joy to people around me.

Relationships and Boundaries

In our everyday life we have so many relations – friends, colleagues, neighbors, spouses, kids and so on and forth. Each has its own limitations, each comes with its own sets of rules and own expectations. For any relation to grow into something meaningful you have to invest is your time and emotions. Yet for it to thrive and last, it is equally important to be clear about the boundaries right from the beginning. In our enthusiasm we tend to often give more than we can and forget to draw the line and destroy something that would be beautiful into bitterness .

Not every relationship is definable yet it doesn't matter what the name of the relationship is, mother-son, husband -wife, friends, acquaintance the essentials remain the same. You bond, develop expectations, and then set boundaries. The sooner we know what our expectations are and what we are bringing in, the longer it lasts. Being in a relationship is easier than sustaining it, it doesn't matter what sort it is.

I personally find it very hard to draw the boundaries, the unsaid rules that hold the relationship together. Sometimes, you tend to give so much that you have no other option but to quit or get disappointed. Just like everything else in the world, we need both togetherness and space. We learn from our mistakes, from our experiences, that the most important thing in life is for both to be clear what is it we are bringing to table. Growing up in a country where the very concept of privacy just doesn't exist, the concept of drawing a line is a recently learned trait which I am still trying to perfect. The problem with defining the rules, is that it is very hard to go back on it once you have shattered it.

For instance, volunteering to teach English,I have to be very aware what my role is and how much I can give. It is so easy to forget that I signed up only to teach her and getting emotionally drawn into her personal life will leave me burned out. I also know once the unsaid rule is broken, the reversal to previous status is highly impossible.

Dealing with anxiety

You know you are in trouble when you find yourself on a search engine looking for a name for chronic worrying and  are relieved that it is in fact recognized as a disorder and has an official name- GAD or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And then of course if you are a chronic worrier or prone to anxiety you start to worry whether you indeed do have it and if so ......

You get the point. I am almost positive  that I don't  have GAD, but yes there are days when my brain doesn't listen to logic, when it goes off on a free run, directionless or sometimes just in circles around one point. A worrier can worry about anything right from whether you locked the doors, or switched off the oven, or if the kids are safe. And if all is fine, you start worrying about friends and maybe climate change too.

Worrying has no end and  a pro worrier will scourge through the garbage to find something to worry about. Anxiety, stress and worry all go hand in hand and most often than not create a visible havoc in your body
Why do we worry? I loved the research said that it has something to do with our genetic makeup, but I also feel that it is something learned. Lack of faith resulting in fear and fear in anxiety . I know it is very common for medical practitioners to prescribe medication for anxiety (Ativan is as common as Advil and I am so tempted to let the chemicals take over) or then there is self medication like alcohol or smoking.

I am convinced that as people become more isolated in society, the next generation is going to experience higher stress levels. I know there is no way that I can be stress-free, I am too high -strung for that, but I am also aware that I am in dire need to inoculate tools to manage stress into my life. I have always been the one to avoid situations where I would have to experience stress, but it does come with a price. Price of missing out on many opportunities in life.

Learning to relax in body and mind is the antidote to stress. Here were some of the friendly tips which I intend to try .

1. Don't take your work home with you. You will make mistakes, you are human. But when you leave work, make it a point to leave that part of your brain there. Let it be.

2 . Find something that relaxes you - I love reading, but guess what reading heavy stuff does nothing to relax me. Maybe comic books would work.

3. A roadside notice proclaimed "Laugh louder"- yes louder and more often. So no more sappy love stories or crime crappers, only comedies.
4. Instrumental music -was an accidental discovery for me, I tend to appreciate lyrics more than music and guess what understanding lyrics again uses the part of brain you want to relax.
5. Deep breathing, tapping and chanting are other remedies that have proven to be relaxing.
6. Walking , running and exercising  are other advises - am too lazy so have them on the bottom of the list.

And lastly like my kids tell me, let there be peace in your heart. If the heart is well , brain will follow soon.

Connections......

Ever wondered why we connect to some people instantly? Connection or forming a bond, even if it is temporary is a blessing and I have been very fortunate to be surrounded or at least touched by people who will always mean something to me.

Bonding with someone has no barriers – age, sex or cultural backgrounds don't matter. It is a matter of heart or maybe at a deeper level your soul recognizing someone from your past. I like to think logically and it can get very frustrating when I can't find any reasonable answers as to why I want a person to be a part of my life or why or no obvious reason I am unable to open up to someone. And of course

ironically the only logic I could come up with was connections from your previous birth.

I do know for certain though that all those who have come into my life and will come are there for a reason. Each indomitable spirit has added a new dimension to my personality. Every one of them has taught me how live a fuller life, by guiding me to the path of being a better version of myself. One thing is common in all the relationships is that you have to open up your heart and be ready to accept them in your life. Be ready to give, give till you are able to create a space withing yourself for receiving.

Connections can last for your life span, for minutes or maybe for days; But sure enough when your soul recognizes another soul, the experience will last forever. 

Spring...

The year's at the spring

And day's at the morn;

Morning's at seven;

The hillside's dew-pearled;

The lark's on the wing;

The snail's on the thorn;

God's in His heaven -

All's right with the world!

~Robert Browning

Spring a season of renewed hope, is an affirmation of the fact that life is beautiful. I love spring; the colors, the birds, the melting snow, the slow rebirth of life. I walk down the streets, observing the first signs of buds, waiting them to mature each day, trying to break open; every day the excitement of not knowing if it will be today that the veil will lift and the cherry blossom will shine in its full glory.  Spring is the culmination of faith – faith that the cold and dark winter would not last forever, faith that although you cannot see the seeds, the frozen ground would spring new life.

Then again spring has more meaning only when you experience the winter. You have to experience the darkness, to appreciate the light. Colors have meaning only when you have been deprived of it for months. Spring is nature’s way of saying thank you for hanging in there during winter. And what a dramatic way to say so –explosion of colors, and fragrances, transforming the dead to life, nothing defines the word miracle as aptly as spring.

Spring reminds me that time is fleeting, to embrace all that comes into my life; to be joyful and enjoy this beautiful gift called life. To feel life flowing through my veins as if for the first, to just breathe in the fresh air, soak in the glimpses of sun and rejoice in this nascent stage of life. 

Some quotes by the Dalai Lama

Whenever I find myself deviating into the old habit of worrying and let anxiety  take precedence over my life, I find going through some of these quotes by the Dalai Lama. it  really helps me get my focus back on track. His thoughts seamlessly blends the wisdom of ancient scriptures with practical solutions to face the challenges in the today's modern world.
 
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.”
“Love is the absence of judgment.”  
“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.” 
“Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”  
“Someone else action should not determine your response.” 
  “Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back and reasons to stay.”
The ultimate authority must always rest with the individual’s own reason and critical analysis
Man sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. Then he is so anxious about the future that he doesn't enjoy the present: the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.
 This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.
 All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness ... the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives.
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion
Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions

Going on 13.....

Soon you will complete 12 years  and I am bracing myself to some more of the mood swings that seem to be a part of you ever since you turned 11 (or was it 1?). Being the youngest in the family comes with its perks, and like with everything else drawbacks.
I know there are days when you are absolutely certain that everybody in the family hates you (some of the drawbacks of being the youngest in the family), especially when your brother presses all the right buttons to trigger the yelling and shouting, and slips away nonchalantly saying I don’t know what’s wrong.
I have learnt to give generously from you  – give till you can give no more. Dear son, give only what is yours though (you know what I am talking about), sell stuff you think you  don’t need, only after you have taken our advice – please till you are like 50 at least.
I admire your commitment to friendship. I have seen you go to great lengths to take care of friends, seen you be genuinely happy when they succeed and keep their secrets too.
Your kind heart and loyalty towards family is something I really love. Holding grandpa’s hand every night for six months so he doesn’t feel lonely at night (considering he cannot talk), making tea for me or giving me blanket when I am cold – I am watching it all.
You surprise me when you give me a hug and say “mom you are pretty” – I know your dad told you to be “nice” to mom, especially considering all the “mom insults” you boys share in school and the terrible phase I had to patiently bear  (some of the “insults” I admit were pretty good ). I am so glad you are over that stage (?). I will always treasure our reading Tom Sawyer together – it was fun sharing one of my favorite books with you. I still feel I read and you listened more rather than the other way  round. Of course I know you will dispute this claim for ever.
I am really proud of your excellent work ethics, be it distributing newspapers, mowing neighbor’s lawns, making Youtube videos and now your Minecraft server. (I am sorry I doubted you and your buddy Jake). You make me want to try and work harder and better.
There are of course times when you make me want to pull my hair out in frustration – and I understand the reason (like you said it is puberty – hormonal changes and other stuff they taught you in school), yet we both battle along, building hopefully happy memories.  In the meantime I am patiently waiting for your mood swings to settle down….and hopefully someday we will both have “peace in our hearts”, to quote you and be calm and collected like the others in the family. But nay – that would be too boring. So be yourself, laugh like you do, throw some tantrums too (I am too used to the battles), and always believe that you are loved by your family and whatever you may think of your brother now – years from now I know you both will be best friends.

Happy Women's Day - some quotes to smile

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Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Despite my thirty years of research into the woman soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?

- Sigmund Freud.

I am the boss in my house (my wife said so) and I wear the pants in the family (my wife tells me which ones to wear). And that’s final (per my wife).

Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

Howiver, I'm not denyin' the women are foolish:  God Almighty made 'em to match the men.  ~George Eliot, "The Harvest Supper," Adam Bede

There are women who do not like to cause suffering to many men at a time, and who prefer to concentrate on one man:  These are the faithful women.  ~Alfred Capus

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.  ~H.L. Mencken

International Women's Day

International Woman's Day - strange that we need to have a day to celebrate the presence of half of the world. Just goes to show that all is not well in the world. I was born and raised in a country ranked among the top 5 worst places to be born as a woman. A country synonymous with female infanticides, child marriages, rapes, dowry killings and honor killings. A country where when you walk down the streets, you are always looking over your shoulders, where you are expected to either stay home or risk being groped in crowded transit. You grow up knowing nothing different, being obedient was and in some cases is still a norm. I don't want to go into the details of what is wrong about the patriarchal society and how stifling it can be for the best of us to survive.
When I first came to Canada, I was amazed at the choices women had - in careers, in choosing their life partners, in choosing their lifestyles. Yet when I came across a hoarding proclaiming how about "pro-choice" was equivalent to murder, the blatant sexism struck me as to how far we actually have to go before we can say that yes we are equals.
Women and men are different and it would be stupid for anyone of us to believe anything other than this. Feminism is not about being single, or hating men, or doing things to prove men are less than us. Feminism is about having the fundamental rights to choose what is right or wrong for us. It is the fight for the right to be treated with the same humanity as men, given the same freedom of choice.
Crimes specific to women are rampant all over and I don't it diminishing in near future any soon. Yet, for me feminism is just the 50% of world's population saying that we maybe different from men, but we are in no way less important. It seems at times ridiculous, that although the role of men in procreation has become ambiguous with technology, they still get to decide what we do with our body or our lives.

The onus to bringing a change begins at home and as women we have to start with examining how we view ourselves, and other women. Until and unless we support each other, teach our children to respect both the sexes, the cycle will not be broken. As a mother every action of mine is scrutinized by my children.The respect I demand, will teach them in later years to hopefully share with their partners. If it is girl child, she will know that a woman can be strong and independent and every time you teach yourself with respect, you are teaching your sons that treating any woman less than "full" human being is not acceptable.
Freedom to choose - that is all we want. It is my body, my life and it is my decision. Motherhood is fine, for me womanhood is more important. I am a woman first and then a mother and I am not ashamed to say so. Stand up for each other and be proud of the achievements of other women is all we can ask from each other