Some Funny Quotes

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.- Aldous Huxley


Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.- Robert Orben

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?”Jean Cocteauwo-

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. -Mark Twain

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”Oscar Wilde

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Charles M. Schulz

I  didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.”Mark Twain

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

I  was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.

Norman Wisdom

One man's folly is another man's wife.

Helen Rowland

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Ronald Reagan

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist. - Michael Levine

There are two things that a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and its mother's age. - Benjamin Spock



Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”    
Drew Carey



When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
Mark Twain



If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.”Mark Twain



If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.”Carl Sagan



Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”Mark Twain