Known Strangers

Ever been lost in a crowd of known strangers? I have.  And  nothing feels more isolating, than just standing there alone, trying to hurry up the time so that you could just maybe, be by yourself. Social anxiety, feeling misfit in large gatherings all in many ways handicap you. Nothing gives me more pleasure than being in the company of my loved ones, sharing thoughts and laughter , and nothing is more dreadful than making inconsequential conversations with known strangers.

In a room full of people, there were just two or three of us, unable to circulate and make small talk. Sitting in a corner, there I was, fretting about the future, when I might have to hold a wedding party for my son. I knew it was trouble, when I just had to tell my son, that he had my blessings to elope if ever planned to get married. I definitely wasn't inclined to invite 500 people to a private wedding ceremony.

I am not sure if it is the crowd, if it is saying socially right things, or just that I am spending time with people, making shallow interactions, whatever it is, social gatherings scare me.  Being socially awkward is no fun, trying to fit into, to follow the etiquettes, the pressure to flit around and make impression (?) just seem to be a lot of work for me. Avoiding talking to people, making elaborate excuses to skip socializing, is a  flaw that I am not proud of but changing myself would be staying untrue to my basic nature.

Maybe the effort to present myself in a certain way takes too much of effort, or  maybe I feel inadequate to deal with superficial and at times intrusive queries, or maybe it just feels like a waste of time to invest in people who are just a shell of themselves. The only shield that I carry with me all the time is my smile - no need for words, no need to interact, just a smile and you are ready to sail through the nameless faces, till it is time to go home and heave a sigh of relief.