I wish I knew when I was 18

Wish somebody had told me when I was 18 that

1. Time flies when you are having fun, no wonder childhood and youth seem to be over so fast. Savor every moment.
2. Take more risks. Youth is when time is on your side. Go out and test your limitations.
3. When they say these are the best days, believe it. Before long your body and your heart and mind will not be in sync. Your mirror will start to lie about your age.
4.Grab every opportunity you have to learn and grow. You cannot learn always from others mistakes. Step out of your comfort zone and make your own sense of life.
5.When it feels wrong – it most probably is so. And if in doubt ask your parents or adults with experience. 
6. Travel , explore and open up your mind. Unlearn what school and your parents taught you and develop your own values and opinions.
7.It is probably the best you will look – so love how you look. You will regret not looking your best when you looked your best.
8. Break some rules. You have the whole life ahead of you to follow them. Just remember, there are always consequences to your action and some will change your life forever.
9.You study to be able to support yourself. Financial independence is the reason most of us go to college. No one will be paying your bills. Keep that goal in mind always.
10. There will always be people smarter, prettier , nicer than you now. That in no way undermines your credibility. Everyone peaks at different pace, your time will come,just be ready for it. Your job is to be the best you can always.You owe it to yourself.

Commitment

The basis of any relationship in my mind is respect and love. Being “in love” doesn’t last forever, at least not for everyone. The challenges of life can put a strain on the best of relationships. It would be foolish to expect the “happily married” persona to have no conflicts ever in life. Any healthy relationship needs dissent now and then.
Marriage is a commitment to mutually grow and share our sorrows and happiness and to raise kids in a secure and happy environment. But it takes two to tango, and both have to be equally committed to keep the marriage healthy and alive. Some decay the natural way – day to day living taking its toll, others giving in to the distrust and bitterness making the partnership toxic.
Calling a marriage failure when it ends in divorce is unfair. Who is to say that all who stay married are happy? It takes courage to recognize to walk away and paradoxically it also takes courage to stay and work on your relation.
16 years of marriage has taught me not to take it for granted. Tend your relationship with love and care, strengthen your roots right from the beginning, so that when times get tough, you are ready. 5 things that I have learnt in my marriage
1. Don’t keep tabs on who said what or did wrong. You are both on the same team.
2. Forgive – that is the only way to survive. Forgetting is harder.
3. Digging up old grievances gets you nowhere. Love is fragile – don’t expose it to negativity too much.
4. Smooth sailing is a myth – all marriages go through ups and downs. Hold on to all the good memories – they will be your savior when the times get rough.
5. Detox your relation from time to time. Get everything out of your chest and start afresh – clean and lighter.
A good marriage is a healthy mix of luck and hard work. A healthy marriage makes you a better person – I have learnt to appreciate kindness, and my spouse the power of saying no. We both have changed over the years and I would like to believe for better. We are absolutely different in personalities, have very few common likes or passions, but what we do share the one most important thing- our commitment and values to give our children a happy and secure home.

The Sanctity of Words

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A wise person once said, “Speak only if you can improve upon the silence”.

Words can be empty as in broken promises, be twisted out of context or spice up an incident or tarnish a reputation.

If used with compassion they can soothe an aching heart and give hope for a better tomorrow. But most words are just waiting impatiently to rush out, many rhetoric and meaningless, just a mean to fill in our insecurity and fear of loneliness. 

As you grow older and supposedly wiser, you realize how important it is to choose your words carefully. The follies of the youth, rushing in without thinking has gotten me into trouble many times, making it sort of mandatory now to think twice before I speak. Not that I always succeed in it, but I have realized that silence cannot be twisted, silence cannot be misinterpreted, or hurt someone by backbiting or gossiping. Silence stays put and unlike words do not travel. They are most degraded when used frivolously in small talks socially. Just like empty soap bubbles.  Yet used sincerely they can save a life. What you say and how you say it makes all the difference. They are most powerful, when used with love and sincerity. Words that come through the route of heart – a good heart can never hurt anyone.

On the other hand, the means to express thoughts are just that – not anything more or less. Communication is a two way process – what message reaches you depends on how you want to perceive and understand it. We chaff the message according to our state of mind.

Choosing words wisely and sparingly is easier said than done. The need to fill the void with empty words is too tempting to resist and being a woman who loves to talk, I know that it is almost impossible. But all I can do is try and make sure that I don’t use them to slander anyone or to hurt anybody.  Try is the big word here, because when anger or jealously takes control, all your good intentions fly out of the window.

Treat it with respect and you will be empowered, but whatever be the case –and depending on who is on the receiving end – words can be inspiring or shallow and empty.

Attitude matters.

Looking out of the window, I smile when I see that my lawn has been mowed, the flower beds all ready with fresh soil and of course the new addition of a swing and slide set in the backyard.The new  tenant was at work again.  Things have changed in the last seven months.

Last year in May, our  new tenant moved in with her baby. Our earlier tenants were people we knew, and had been with us for two years. The fact they decided to move, during a difficult phase in our lives, left us with no choice but to rent out the place to someone who was a total stranger. Maybe it was circumstances under which she moved ( she had separated from her boyfriend), or the fact that being consumed  by my own problems, made me too selfish to see other people’s point of view, whatever be the case, we started out on a wrong foot. Right from day one, the barrage of complains started to roll in. Everyday I dreaded coming home to a new voice message- with the usual set of complains,  the carpets needed cleaning, the walls repainted, the shower nozzle has broken , or the kids making too much of noise – you get the point. I avoided switching on my answering machine, and in my own way delaying the subtle expenses implied in her messages.

After a couple of weeks of unspoken hostility, I decided to take action and put an end to all the negativity that was draining me emotionally. Change in my attitude was the only feasible solution.  Instead of looking at the whole incident from my point of view, I tried to listen to what she was actually trying to say without my worries or my problems clouding the information. .  Just changing the channel to a more receptive frequency made me less agitated and more compassionate. Comprehending and accepting  that her fears were genuine - after all she was moving into a new place with a baby, and considering that the dilly dallying in responding to her demands was obvious; she had every reason to distrust me,till I could prove her wrong.  I was as much a stranger to her as she was to me. With no history to prove it otherwise, she wasn't wrong in being overtly cautious.

It is amazing how the moment I decided to listen and be empathetic, her aggressive behavior mellowed down too. Trust is built on experience and today I do have to say that the dynamics have changed for better. It is not easy to send positive vibes when somebody is bent on making life difficult for you- no way but sometimes  it is only way.We are auto tuned to respond to how others feel towards us – all of us. And today when I see her son playing in the backyard, I smile at how we can save a relationship by just choosing to listen.

A Good life

The sudden death of a dear friend five years ago, changed my perspective of life and death. She was just 38 and I had talked to her just a couple of hours before her death.Her loss was a wake-up call for me. I just couldn't keep on postponing things for later, because there might be no later. Until her death,I was under the foolish  illusion that I was immune to any such disaster, as if age matters. And because she was in a similar age group, it really hit me hard - especially the realization how ill-prepared I was .The next few months were spent in finding suitable guardians for the kids and writing a will. All I can say is it wasn't a pleasant experience- uncomfortable to say the least.

No word is more dreaded than death. It's ironical that the one thread that is common with all beings that are alive is death and its unpredictability.  Yet, what is certain and universal, has so much of negative connotations. Although it does sound morbid, in our struggle to make living, we do tend to fret about matters which will not matter in the end. To live life fully, we have to be aware every moment about  the fragility of life.

A good life is living honestly .Being true to yourself and  your essence is all that matters in the end. Of course we all have a  bucket list, which may or may not be fulfilled. Yet in this very moment, if I can say with conviction that all I need is what I have at this very moment, I have lived my life. This is not to say that we should not have any dreams, or keep any goals, that would be sheer laziness, but to be happy and grateful in this very moment, is what makes you complete.Mark Twain said  it the best,  “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time".

Decision making and setting priorities in life definitely becomes easier and so does forgiving and loving ,if you keep the final destination in mind. For someone like me , who likes to overthink everything, it definitely helps to ask this single question that is the base for all my decisions -"Will it matter in the end?".

Life Predicaments

Why do I always make a resolution to eat healthy only after eating junk? Why not before I put it the slice of pizza in my mouth and not just one but couple?

Why is it that after you have cleaned up the kitchen and are just about to rest, one of the kids is hungry.

Why do I have no answer to my 15 year old as to why he should make his bed everyday not just every week?

Why is it just when you give up looking for something, it appears?

Why is when you decide not to think about something, it is all you can think of?

Why even after resting on the weekend you still have to drag yourself to work on Monday morning?

Why do most plans just end up being plans?

And most importantly, why does every conversation, every request and every

pleading end up with a “Why” from my kids?

Perspective

Perspective

“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.”C.S. Lewis.

One object, different views, one story different interpretations. Every object looks different depending on how and where you see it from. Our conception of truth depends not only on the facts, but how you perceive it. In an ideal world, we would see situations in life just as they are without any distortion, yet in the real world whether we like it or not all our opinions are biased, based on what we have experienced in the past.

Understanding and accepting that people come from different backgrounds and that their view differs depending on their vantage point, makes us empathetic and more tolerant to others. Try reminiscing an old incident with a friend, and see what memories they carry about that same incident. Chances are each of you will be telling a totally different story. It is an eye-opener for sure,making you wonder if you both are talking about the same thing.

A terrorist for some,maybe a martyr to another. It all depends on how you “want” to look at it and what side of the fence you are. A dandelion maybe perceived as a flower or a weed, depending on how we want to look at it. Most of our perceptions are also based on what is convenient to us. Truth is too large for us to encompass in one sweeping brush, but accepting that all our perceptions of what is right or wrong is tainted, will make us kinder towards others.

A comment maybe interpreted as a complain or silence as aloofness. We don't control how others see us, but yes we do have control on how we see others. What you see or hear depends on how you feel about yourself . Just like water changes color and shape depending on the container, so does our perception of people and situations.