How many times have you heard your child say “You love him/her more than me?” I am 41 and I still sometimes complain to my mom that she loves my brother more. I understand being a mother now that although a mothers love is going to be the same for all the kids, but compatibility can differ. You can love someone but not get along. My litmus test for things being right is asking each one the question, whom do you think mom loves best? And when each replies "Me" - I know I am on the right track. All kids need to feel secure in their parents love and have a high self-esteem to have healthy relations with each other. Sibling rivalry cannot be completely avoided, but definitely can be managed.
There are some ways you can handle sibling rivalry if it is going out of hand.
1. Don’t take sides: Whenever the boys fight, I refuse to take sides. Its like either both take the heat or none. Listen both sides – if someone complains “He hit me first”, I will always ask “What did you do?” . If you have to interfere, make sure you are fair – always listen both sides before you take action. It’s very easy to just scold the perpetrator, but don’t forget the instigator is equally responsible.
2. Teach them conflict resolution: Right from the time they were 8 and 5, I have taught them to resolve their own problems. Don’t solve every problem for them. Asking them to think “how can they solve their problem” always help. If one of the siblings is not sharing the toy, ask the other one, how he can get him to share it. Maybe by exchanging toys, maybe by compromising (you play for an hour/ I for an hour) etc. Make sure they think out the options.
3. Remind of their love: This is what I learnt from my mom. Every time my younger son gets upset with the older one, I will remind him of the time he was helped by his sibling or the times when he took care of him. The same when the older one complains, I remind him of the time his younger brother didn’t go for a movie because the older was grounded. Reinforce the positive memories always.
4. Celebrate their uniqueness: I call one the heart and the other the brain of the family. They both have their unique place in the family. We often spend time (once a month) together as a family, where each one of us tries to guess other persons favorite things, or tell each other the qualities they like best in the other person. This exercise highlights the positive traits in each one.. You can also do this when you are driving your kids to school. Just beware, that you don’t go into the danger zone about negative traits , because its very easy for you or the kid to go “I like that you are helpful, but ……”
5. Unity: United they win and divided they fall. I have always taught the kids to stand up to each other – tattletale is not rewarded. Whenever the fight seems to go out of hand, they either resolve it or they both lose the privileges – no video games. So, it’s them against us – which works all the time.
6. Respect: They need to learn to respect each other. Insults are not tolerated, no matter what. Calling names is okay to a certain extent, but there is a limit to it. Make sure the kids know the boundaries and what is acceptable.
Sibling rivalry can be healthy, but always look out for signs when someone is being abused or bullied. Encourage open communication by LISTENING. As parents we communicate by talking (lecturing), but listening is more important. So, Listen and chalk out the rules of the family and make sure all your kids feel and know they are equally loved. You are the mediator and it’s up to you to communicate the affection and good times the children have spent together.
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