Anam Cara

“Where are the people?” resumed the little prince at last. “It’s a little lonely in the desert…” “It is lonely when you’re among people, too,” said the snake.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Recently an article came up on my Facebook feed about a Gaelic term "Aman Cara"  or Soul friend.  The whole concept of  having a connection with someone where your souls recognize each other was very fascinating to me. The relationship isn't defined as romantic or platonic - just  where you can reveal your authentic self - no judgments fearlessly.I have had some such connections, some that have lasted over the years, and some that were short-lived. Soul friend - an endearing term, a term that alleviates your loneliness, makes you feel thankful to be alive. I remember being enchanted by the novel"Brida" by Paulo Coehlo where he talks about soul mates - pieces of one soul that meet and recognize each other.  

 There is this innate desire within us - an urgent need as important as breathing, and it is the need to communicate. When I say communicate, I mean to be understood fully by at least one soul. We can love and be loved, we can be surrounded by people, smile and joke, yet if there is no honest dialogue, where your thoughts, fears and just your essence is being shared, you end up being lonely. The more individualistic you are, the more radical your thoughts are, the weirder you are, the lonelier you will be. We were born to share our emotions, our thoughts and hope that someday your true self will be revealed. Someone will actually know you 

We have all been through that phase in life, where all you wanted was a human contact, a verbal , non-verbal or just a simple physical gesture of hug. It is said that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Yet genuine connection requires honesty and being honest means trusting someone to see your vulnerability. And trusting someone doesn't come easy to some of us. I fear growing old, fear being lonely. There I said it  loud. The words that most of us ponder over, especially as you grow older.

Why is it so important for us to have a dialogue? Why do we need to be heard? And what makes some people more prone to loneliness than others? Years ago, people talking about mental health was a taboo. Now it is common to discuss about depression and anxiety and the medications that help to cure them. Yet we are still hesitant to talk about being lonely. In this time starved society, where busyness is considered a virtue, no one has the time or patience to actually listen.  Time is of premium and patience is something that in this generation of instant gratification is not valued. There is the obvious solitude and loneliness in the older generation - they can be without human contact for days and as we live longer, dealing with isolation among the senior population is something that we will need to address.  And hence as ridiculous as Minister of Loneliness sounds, UK is taking the right step in addressing how to address this epidemic that is rampant in most developed countries.

Not all of us are lucky to recognize our aman cara, but we can all try be kind and lend an ear to that lonely soul who is trying to reach out so that his or her thoughts could be heard. And to summarise it all, I  quote Jodi Picoult,  "if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 

Of Setbacks and Failures.

Since past couple of days, I have spent hours  staring at this blank screen on my laptop, trying really hard to bring to life some of the thoughts that are in my head. Sometimes words just flow in symphony, lyrical and poetic, and at times like this I am just struggling to put a decent sentence together. Why write, if words don't flow - a question that I have asked myself many times. I am aware that the writings at times are mediocre at best, yet I also know that if I were to aim to be perfect, I would quit like I have done with so many other things in my life. 

I should actually say, quit before starting. Many of the things that I wanted to do in life was not even attempted, because of fear of failure. I am resilient when I have to be, but will definitely not step out of my comfort zone if  not needed. I am hard on myself and tend to dwell for long on my mistakes. Taking accountability and being self-aware is fine, but when you spend too much time reflecting on things that you have done wrong, you restrict yourself and sabotage your success.

My younger son is similar to me in temperament. Last week when he failed his driving test inspite of all putting in his 100% effort (I blame overthinking ) I was a wreck. Logically, my head knew that it wasn't the end of the world, yet my heart was appalled that we would have to repeat the process of giving test again and knowing what a nerve wrecking experience it was for him,  made it worse for me.It took me a couple of  hours to recover till realization struck me as to how important it was for him to fail. We succeed - and this is not a cliche but my personal experience, by failing. You fail when you attempt to do something that is beyond your comfort zone. Failures make you humble and teach you to be more empathetic. We are taught to only showcase our successes, to project our strengths. Broken people, shattered dreams are rarely discussed. Yet all success stories are build on failures and how we dealt with it. 

I am a sore loser, and therefore like to stay in my comfort zone. The dread of  embarrassment at being incompetent has been a major deterrent in aiming high. This trepidation prevented me from even trying to get a teller's job in bank. I didn't think I was capable enough .This is my basic nature and will not change,  but I want my kids to try and aim high and learn how to pick up pieces and try again. There is no shame in failing - it is what you do after is what defines you. Kids need to experience negative emotions intermittently. Rejections, disappointments, are all realities of life. There is no escape from it. Yet, rarely are we taught in school and home to develop a coping mechanism for the same. Life is not a series of plan A, B and C - It is dynamic and many times beyond our control and all our plans come to a nought. Successful people don't dwell on their failures, they learn and move on. I am trying to teach my son to be flexible, to value ingenuity, to be kind to people who make mistakes and to dust and say in Scarlett O'Hara's words " Tomorrow is another day".

Full circle

" I learnt years ago that the key to be happy was  not to give importance to what other people think as majority of them are idiots ".  Your kids have the ability to astound you and although I always knew that my son was his own person, there was this new found respect for this kid who I now called a friend.
Life comes to a full circle when we learn from our children. Early on in life, I had decided to leave the communication doors wide open with the children. No subject was off limits and just as my dad did, I encouraged my kids to think critically and form their own opinions. Heated debates and arguments are common in our house and at times instigated by me, although there are times when I have wondered at my choice of parenting style. Communication is not one sided and to find common grounds, I have had to keep growing. Watching genres of  superhero and sci-fi movies to  listening to music that I found hard to relate to in the beginning,   has all been part of trying to find avenues open to understand and respect interests that were relevant to them.  Parenting is never easy. We all want to raise successful young adults and I would be a hypocrite if I said that I don't share the same aspirations as other parents. Yet, I have struggled to balance between what is perceived by society as success and encouraging them to find happiness.At times they can both align and you have hit the jackpot, at others you have to choose to follow your destiny, which might not translate into financial success instantaneously.
Hindsight is always clearer and there have been times when I feel that not all my decisions were the best. Yet, here I am revelling in the company of two young well-behaved and kind young adults, who although as diametrically opposite as two people can be, still share the qualities of kindness and integrity.
There have been times in recent years when I have wondered at the validity of my role as parent. The kids are independent and my role as a nurturer has diminished over the years. Yet, when my son failed his driving test today, it brought into focus that although I was no longer the lead player in their lives, my part as a supportive and unconditional cheerleader would always be in demand. As with other relations, the key is to respect their boundaries and accept them for who they are unconditionally. It is harder than it sounds, because we are so conditioned to be their caregivers, that it is easy to forget that they have transitioned into well adjusted young adults and like with any other adult relationship, the key to success is respect, adhering to boundaries and forgiveness. I see my role evolving as years go by - at times cheering from sidelines, at times staying in the shadows as other lead players enter their life, yet knowing very well there will be always be demand for unconditional love and support.

Starry Starry Nights

Every now and then when life gets on to me, I switch out all the lights and stand under the open sky. Every year in the month of August, we go away from city lights to watch the meteroid shower, sprawling  on the ground, scouring the sky to see the elusive shooting stars. There is something about feeling your whole body connected to the earth, while your eyes are reaching out to the stars. You feel complete. Skywatching, looking for constellations sets my immagination in active motion. The magnificiently sequined sky is  the perfect company when you feel overwhelmed with your life.

Sometimes we need the right perspective to comprehend the magnitude or insignificance of our issues. Night is deceptive though. The sky seems quiet and calm, yet when you focus and scan the sky, you realize that it is active although unpretentiously. There is the occasional plane passing by to an unknown destination, triggering your imagination as to where it is coming from and if there is someone at this very moment looking down to connect with the earth. Then there are satellites passsing by actively  relaying information, just to  make you realize that it is not just fantasy land out there.

Taking refuge in the cover of darkness, the deepest thoughts shly come forward to meet me. Daylight brings distractions, mindless activities that we have somehow defined as living. Light dazzles us with her beauty, captivating us to only focus on what is defined and real. Yet at times I prefer nights - with the antics of the moon trying to gain our attention, or just the freckles of stars , chattering away in the silence of night.

There is a calm, a certain peace when you sit out in the dark - you don't need to close your eyes to shut away the world. Your heart safely engulfed in the embrace of darkness, opens up and this is the time when you contemplate on life, on your day and the very purpose of your existence.

Try standing under a sky, sprinkled with stars. Forget about the overwhelming scientific facts about how far they are from us, just look at those twinkling eys communicating cheering us in the night, and all your issues, all your fears dissipate. Everytime I feel that life is spiralling out of control, I stand under the sky - full moon, half moon, crescent moon or no moon, no matter what trick the moon wants to play, the sky has the key to open up my heart. Just like the woods and water clear up my head, the night is where I go to face my fears, to realize and accept the insignificance of my existence

Friendly Reminder

“A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud. I am arrived at last in the presence of a man so real and equal, that I may drop even those undermost garments of dissimulation, courtesy, and second thought, which men never put off, and may deal with him with the simplicity and wholeness with which one chemical atom meets another.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson, Essays: First Series

Relationships are complex, and it is what makes us human beings so interesting — our conflicting emotions. My older son is a gamer — in layman's terms — he spends more time on virtual world than real developing virtual relations. Recently, he decided to go and meet his friends —  friends he had never met in person before. A paranoid mom that I am, I used Google Earth to  ensure that his friend wasn't living in a drug infested area and all the other crime mystery scenarios than only a mother's mind can conjure. I feel the need to confess that he is 20 years old, very level headed and an adult to the core. To cut a long story short, he had a fun-filled week connecting with his virtual friends in real world.

What is friendship? What draws us to other people ? Why do we open up our hearts and souls to some - maybe only a couple of people in our lifetime? I grew up in an era where you met friends face to face. When you leave your country, you leave behind friends. Friends who knew you before you had your adult mask on. Friends who could see through your bullshit - who knew and accepted you unconditionally. As I grow older, I realize that letting people into my life and making new friends is  a challenge. I have always been selective in letting people into my life. Time, for me is the most limited and precious resource. It makes no sense to me to spend it on people and things that do not make me happy.

Relationships in middle ages is harder to maintain. Everyone has so much on their plate, kids, family, that time needed to open up your soul to somebody becomes a rarity. Our relationships are our strengths as well as our weakness. Our relations can be one of passion, of being related by birth, but always for any relation to last, there needs to be trust and love or in short friendship. Friendship is the crux of all relations.

I have been very fortunate in my life to have some fascinating people who have not only uplifted my spirits when needed but also inspired me to be a better person. There is something about sharing your darkest thoughts with someone, opening up your heart knowing that your vulnerability can be used as a weapon.  When you share your darkest thoughts, let your guard down, bring your goofy unhinged self into spotlight, you are basically giving the other person power. Power to hurt you, power to lift you. Yet there can be nothing more precious than two souls connecting — understanding each other, accepting and even loving the follibles that others might find irritating. Love binds friendships, and trust keeps it alive. Being a good friend requires you to put your friends needs before oneself. To take turns to comfort, to listen, really listen, and never ever judge.

In this world where loneliness is rampant, where we are hesitant to even take our masks off for a minute, finding a true friend is a blessing that we cannot be taken for granted. 

Neapolitan Ice cream

Women are complex - we are intricate and mysterious - so mysterious that it takes us years to finally figure ourselves out - that is if you are lucky and introspective enough or just plain and simply shallow. There have been times in my life where I have had a Eureka moment, when I was absolutely certain that I could possibly do a bullet point PowerPoint slide to describe myself, only to realize that I had spoken too soon.  If you had asked me a couple of years earlier, I would have said that I am made of pieces - all the experiences of life quilted together.   But as time goes by and incidents trigger my particular case, I feel I am more like a layered cake or Neapolitan ice cream.

 Childhood and youth in India were a seemingly fairy-tale like, till I was of marriageable age - which in those days just after graduation. The traumatic events that followed in search of a "groom" is a story for another day - suffice to say that I still get nightmares where I am going through the whole process of "arranged marriage". Like most people, I avoid discussing painful events of my life. In hindsight, there were many things that I would have done differently. Apparently moving on is not one of my strengths and in many ways, I was the rebellion bride. I could have been more cooperative but just the whole concept of being paraded still has the power to disgust me. For all my talk I have lived a traditional lifestyle, yet I continue to question authority, traditions, religion and push beyond known boundaries till it is uncomfortable. The boundaries and restrictions taught by India is a part of me, settled deep down like a layer - undisturbed covered now with the free thinking of living in the west.
I am at time amused by how much I have evolved over the years. Although at present "the westernized me " is more predominant, the realization that whatever happens, however much I try and integrate into the western world, I will always have my layer of  India with me, makes me more true to myself.  I cannot blend my past with the current life, it is hiding somewhere deep, surfacing at times when a blast of nostalgia comes over. I used to think I lived in pieces, a part of me just like other immigrants left with the loved ones back home, but I have realized that we may be just leaving behind shadows of memories,... Memories are all illusions, they are distorted versions of our experiences. All my experiences in India and later in the Middle East, are a part of me - they are me.

I might have spent my youth in India but the West - Canada is where I grew into being an adult. Life happened - My chocolate layer is here - and I am laying it out perfectly over my vanilla. It is not blended, but it is who I am. The Western society opened up my thinking. Taught me to be open up, to be more tolerant.  I still remember calling up my dad and telling him that I saw a woman driving a semi-trailer 15 years ago. A woman did not necessarily have to be a doctor or teacher.  It was an eye-opener. The West is where I truly understood the meaning of equality of sexes, of freedom - freedom from labels. My teenagers are having a different life, single flavoured, but hopefully my expreiences from life in East will be be the colourful sprinkle that will brighten their view of life. 

Mini sojourn

Lately, the realization that maybe spending time with me was not the best option for the young adults in my family, has had me scrambling for creative ways to keep myself busy. I have been clinging to the old times, trying to clench tightly to the last vestige of their childhood and dependency on me, till I realized that I was only hurting myself and maybe them in the process too. 

It was a hot day today, and unfortunately for my kids I don't function too well in the heat,A single spark on this day,  was an offhanded rebuttal of my proposal to go to the lake  and it created a chain reaction that ended with me literally packing my bag with a book and water and heading off to " I don't know where".  

I huffed and puffed my way to packing my bag, intentionally making loud noises to get their attention and in the wild hope to hear that one voice that would say mom it's okay.. we will come with you.

 I do regret to a certain extent that I didn't behave like an adult — infact more like a petulant teenager threatening to leave the house . But again, considering how many times I have experienced that same behaviour from them, I think I have earned my right to behave a little insolently sometimes.

Resigning to the fact that it was going to be a solo trip, I drove off to a nearby regional park (I chickened out on going to a park with no phone signals), I parked and with little trepidition walked into the woods. I didn't go far,  just till a spot that I had been earlier to — a quiet little spot where you could walk to the stream — and found a mossy rock that was going to be my comfy chair for the next couple of hours or till my posterior went numb. The spot is idyllic and although sitting by the gurgling stream, listening to birds chirping in the majestic trees is something that I had always wanted to do, there was also this thought at the back of my mind that there could be a deranged killer hiding in the bush and if I were to be attacked, there would be no one to hear me scream. Mind you the thoughts were flitting and for the most of the time, the joy of reading an engrossing book in the musical orchestrated by nature in the background was pure bliss. I had time to reflect, to just quieten my busy mind, and actually to physically and mentally cool off. Streams have that ability, they are young, clear and joyous, flowing with an effervescent optimism  that is a perfect prescription to lift the spirits of this middle aged body and mind. 

An hour into my mini sojourn, a call from my kids inquiring as to where and how I was, was all I needed to realize that they defined home and I was still needed. This was all the affirmation I could have asked for. My short spurt of independence assured me that I would be okay by myself and somehow in that woods, all by myself, I felt less lonely than I had been in a long time. The fresh spirit of the stream was all I needed to rejuvenate - at least till next meltdown.