Second Adolescence

Everyday, as I grow older, the desire to break free, the desire to just be me grows stronger. With age, some of the knowledge does get translated into wisdom, wisdom that life is uncertain and is beautiful only if you are able to follow self-will. Life is too short to live others expectations,too short to fulfil other people's dreams . Living life on your own terms, with an open mind and open heart, boundless, borderless and limitless is what life is all about. Our childhood is spent in trying to fulfil the unspoken expectations or at times vocal desires of our parents. Like osmosis their dreams, their ambitions, their thoughts about the world and life, all seep into our characters, knowingly or unknowingly polluting our very essence.

20s are spent in trying to fulfil their dreams and the diktats of society -the norm, the rules, the ambition, and peer pressure. Life seems endless, life full of hopeless hopes, fearful fears and the insatiable desire to reach somewhere, to be someone, to achieve, to "become", holds us slave.

In our 30s, we are are so entrapped in the day to day living, the invisible but heavy responsibilities that keeps us slave, to maintain what we have become. 30s we live for others, kids, careers, trying to "settle down". Some of us  drown our very essence under the the pressures of life - the assault of have to's totally hijacking the joys of living. The invincibility cloak, meekly surrendering to the blows of disappointments and  failures, and if you are lucky revealing your true essence.

It takes around 4 decades, to confront our fears, to shed our inhibitions, and if we are lucky, to finally discover our own essence. It is at this age, that we truly start questioning the beliefs that were shoved down our throats about how society expected our lives to be. The years of responsibilities take their toll , and the need to break free and just be yourself takes precedence over what is considered right and what is wrong. The day we realize, it is "my life", my gift, and my journey , we set ourselves free from all the man made rules of "have to dos".

And thus begins the mid-life crisis, the period when we look back and realize that half of our lives was spent living someone else's dream, and as the body starts showing first signs of decay, the urgency to "live", to be yourself reaches a crescendo  leading at times to rebellious second adolescence.

Quotes by Lao Tzu

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” 

“Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know.” 

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” 

“Time is a created thing. To say 'I don't have time,' is like saying, 'I don't want to.”

“Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.” 

“He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.”


“Love is of all the passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart, and the senses.” 

“When goodness is lost there is morality.” 

“in the pursuit of knowledge: 
everyday something is added.
in the pursuit of enlightenment:
everyday something is dropped.” 

“Shape clay into a vessel;

It is the space within that makes it useful.

Cut doors and windows for a room;

It is the holes which make it useful.

Therefore benefit comes from what is there;

Usefulness from what is not there.” 

“Chanting is no more holy than listening to the murmur of a stream, counting prayer beads no more scared than simply breathing, religious robed no more spiritual than work clothes.” 

Quotes by Carl Sagan

“Every one of us is, in the cosmic perspective, precious. If a human disagrees with you, let him live. In a hundred billion galaxies, you will not find another.” 

“One glance at a book and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for 1,000 years. To read is to voyage through time.” 

“If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.” 

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” 

“The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.” 

“We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it is forever.” 

“You're an interesting species. An interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams, and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other.” 

“The cosmos is within us. We are made of star-stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself.” 

“We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology.” 

Raising Boys

Raising boys comes with a price. Fortunately or unfortunately their idea of  clean house differs from mine to such an extent that it makes me wonder if we are talking about the same thing.  Although I love my kids to death, there are somethings that I wish they understood. Here is a list of the "I wish they understood"...

1. Dishes go into the sink not on counter at least till we manage to add a conveyor belt from kitchen counter to sink.
2. Garbage goes into garbage bins - not under the bed. No, there is no chute on the floor to suck it right into the bin.
3. Wrappers behind the couch, half eaten apple under it - it seems you guys seem to be mistaken as to where we live.
4. Hogging on the comfy chair, when an adult has no place to sit,  is not cool. Ignoring my subtle hints to get off the chair is definitely a recipe for trouble.
5. Lecturing parents on environmental responsibilities and yet taking half an hour shower is definitely not cool.
6. Dirty clothes go in the laundry basket, shoes on shoe rack and jackets on hangers - how can you forget/ignore simple instructions like these?
7. Aim well when using the toilet - and just to be clear your target is the toilet bowl.
8. Secret entries into the house are meant to be secret not shared with friends and getting them to climb into the house is an  absolute no no
9.Tantrums get you nowhere. Period. No where.
10. However good the food, someone has to do the dishes. However bad the food, someone has to still cook it.

One day maybe when I look I will miss all the mess, and all the unnecessary stress, but for now I do wish that all they do is follow the simple instructions and make life a little easier.
Maybe it is the easy going upbringing or just the fact that they are  boys, i

Frozen words

“A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended.” 
― Ian McEwan, Atonement

Do we ever say what we really want to say ? Why is it so hard for us to express our love, our anguish and other emotions? Is it because these are the very feelings that make us vulnerable to attacks. Instead of saying I love you, you end up saying take care and be good. Instead of saying that yes  I am hurting, we generally say  I am fine .

What is it about emotions common, normal and human, that we are forced to pretend to appear untouched by it? Meaningless words, worthless sorry, and superficial thank yous rule our conversation. Are we stopped by our ego or is it just our innate sense of survival knowing that it is easier to destroy the human spirit once we reveal our weaknesses?

Most of us find  it very hard to express ourselves spontaneously. Emotions,volcanic and ready to explode are tamed by the defensive mind into frigid missiles. Words never seem to justify the feelings, they either aggravate our anger or subdue our love.

I find it very puzzling, because as a reasonable person, in control of my life, there should be no reason to fear for expression of emotions. Yet somewhere deep in my subconscious I know that the more my heart is visible , the more it will be trampled upon. Our sense of self preservation prevents us from revealing our deepest fears, our intense love and often our brewing anger. I do wonder how it would be to live fearlessly, to live spontaneously and be a free bird...lighter and more secure and soaring high .

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Rubbing my eyes, trying to get back into the world of reality I sit down with a cup of tea in hand. With the school off for the summer, my house resembles more like a hostel with no rules. I scan the living room, realizing how the inanimate things have a story to tell of the day that went by. There are the Playstation controllers just inviting someone to  trip over them, glasses - on side tables, next to the couch, half a packet of chips, laptops, a couple of wrappers of band-aid, and of course empty bottles of juice tells an untold story about the evening spent among friends. The band-aid wrappers made me wonder what happened at night - but I had to let go of worry - the boys can manage well now .

The  mess, the tell-tale marks of teens having a fun-filled evening reminded me of the signs of my aging body , the burn scars reminding me of the happy meals. the laugh lines of happy times, and each gray hair has a story of its own .  I am fascinated by stories and nothing tells a story more than old objects - antiques, old houses. Each object imbibing  traces of the previous owners, subtly embedding every emotion, every drama in their life.  Every inanimate object, every room, every nook and corner coming to life with history, talking to you, if you care to listen. Some showing signs of care, some sheer neglect and some well-used. But talk they all do.

As my couch grows older, with rips, with sunken pillows, stains maybe, each a tell-tale mark of presence of life. Every corner of my house screams of get a repair, get an update, refresh, yet a part of me feels close to the fingerprints on the wall , the rising marks on the wall indicating the growing heights of kids, every broken door a story of kids out of control, every creaking chair of times well spent.

One day, the house will need an update, one day make my body will get a refreshing change, one day maybe .. but for now I am happy to just relive the happy memories, happy to see the inanimate objects breathing and living and my face proclaiming loud and clear of life well-lived.

Quotes by Scott Fitzgerald

“It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.” 

“Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.” 

“Things are sweeter when they're lost. I know--because once I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot, and when I got it it turned to dust in my hand.” 

“That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.”

“There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice.” 

“At eighteen our convictions are hills from which we look; at forty-five they are caves in which we hide.” 

“You know, you’re a little complicated after all.” 
“Oh no,” she assured him hastily. “No, I’m not really - I’m just a - I’m just a whole lot of different simple people.” 

“Grown up, and that is a terribly hard thing to do. It is much easier to skip it and go from one childhood to another.” 

Either you think--or else others have to think for you and take power from you, pervert and discipline your natural tastes, civilize and sterilize you.

It is in the thirties that we want friends. In the forties we know they won't save us any more than love did.