Anxiety Monster

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.”
― Kahlil Gibran

I was always under that illusion that I am strong person - that is till life started happening to me, breaking down the shell of toughness and exposing the fragile person susceptible to pain and loss. I changed- the optimistic, can conquer the world attitude evaporating into a "I can't fight it anymore. " person. Maybe it is just middle age, maybe hormonal changes or maybe I was always fragile but never knew it.

It comes, just like a drifting  cloud blocking the sun - just out of nowhere... again . The anxiety monster showing its fangs once again. It catches you unawares, and throws you off the track. The blood thirsty fangs sucking out your energy and living you scrambling for breath..Your breathing gets heavier - not in the sexy kind of way, and you can physically feel the pain in your shoulders and chest.

Where does it come from - I am not sure, but the experience can be literally nerve wrecking. I am fine one moment  and  next thing I know,  the gates of all negative energy open and come rushing in to overwhelm me.Obviously it has always been with me, leashed and hidden in the throes of my subconscious.

The issue that most people don't understand is that it is not what I want - it is not what I control. At times it takes days to build up, my mind all clouded with negative thoughts culminating in a panic attack and other times it wins me over with surprise . The trigger need not always be something of prime importance, it is just that when you are anxious, every small problem is magnified and distorted to monstrous proportions.

I am learning to deal with it - accepting that it is part of my personality to take life seriously. Being a logical person, I usually try and find a reason for my mood swings and of course being a woman helps, the fluctuations in hormones are always there to take the burn. Feeling helpless and out of control is not a place I like to be in.

I have to learn to  take life less seriously - to just let go and maybe it is time to get back into faith? Maybe having some sort of semblance and superpower backing will help me in dealing with setbacks that get magnified to disasters?

I am dealing with it - time to time - aware that it is lurking in the  dark, waiting for me to be weak to attack. Yet I know that in the end that that this too shall pass. I just need to have courage to be patient and wait for the clouds to pass to reveal the sun. I know the clouds will come again , but so long as I have the patience and wisdom to know that it cannot stay for ever - nothing does ... I shall be fine.