Thoughts overload

“I swear to you that to think too much is a disease, a real, actual disease.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Notes from Underground 

Decision making has never been easy for me. Inately I am a cautious person who likes to analyze, rationalize, fret, torment and go over all the possible scenarios that could go wrong with the options that  I have. I am a  thinker, actually  an overthinker. The word "over" does have a negative implication of doing things in excess and I am quite aware of it. There is a fine line between thinking and overthinking.If all the imaginary scenarios could play out in real life, we would have a twenty four  hour soap opera drama. Your thoughts, the silent chatter constantly nagging you, and at times entertaining, are your constant companions. There is the real life and then there is this life that you live in your head. I am not as crazy as I sound, but what is life without a tinge of craziness?

My head has got 100 channels playing at once, or more like some quick fingered person shuffling constantly with the channels. I could be discussing politics, and there will be a flash news in the head or more like alert warning with a message like : what to cook for dinner? In all the things thats fluid, this one question among many others are the only constants in my life.  Thoughts, talks, scenarios - oh all the active life that I live in my head. And like with everything else in life, this constant thought process, analysis of imaginary scenarios when spirals out of control can be inebirating.

Overthinking can paralyze you - the unlimited possibilities, the supposedly disastrous outcomes, the constant analyzing, leaves you drained and empty - actually not empty - but more like bloated with inconsequential   thoughts. Common sense and life experience has taught me that nothing is achieved by thinking, and there is no such thing as being prepared for life events.  Life strikes when you least expect it.

Recently I took a decision to change my jobs. It was a decison that I had been pandering on for more than two years. Yet when the time came to actually decide, it took me 3 days of intense introspection, consultation with friends and a couple of sleepless nights to realize that it was what I wanted. The scenarios ranged from what if I fall sick after I quit my job?  I won't be covered by disability insurance, to what if I suck at my job, to all sorts of scenarios that would make even the best thriller writers to shame.

I am a chronic worrier yet lately I have been feeling at peace with myself. The monologues in my head have been kinder and although  still harsh, the  rambling is more subdued and muffled . There are some perks of growing older, you know that time is of essence.There comes in your life, when you just learn to give in - not give up, but just accept what and who you are.I have accepted that there is no escape from my internal talks and to be fair, most of the time they do keep me good company, except when they sometimes feel they need to go for a run - and then it does get tiring just to keep up with them.