Mini sojourn

Lately, the realization that maybe spending time with me was not the best option for the young adults in my family, has had me scrambling for creative ways to keep myself busy. I have been clinging to the old times, trying to clench tightly to the last vestige of their childhood and dependency on me, till I realized that I was only hurting myself and maybe them in the process too. 

It was a hot day today, and unfortunately for my kids I don't function too well in the heat,A single spark on this day,  was an offhanded rebuttal of my proposal to go to the lake  and it created a chain reaction that ended with me literally packing my bag with a book and water and heading off to " I don't know where".  

I huffed and puffed my way to packing my bag, intentionally making loud noises to get their attention and in the wild hope to hear that one voice that would say mom it's okay.. we will come with you.

 I do regret to a certain extent that I didn't behave like an adult — infact more like a petulant teenager threatening to leave the house . But again, considering how many times I have experienced that same behaviour from them, I think I have earned my right to behave a little insolently sometimes.

Resigning to the fact that it was going to be a solo trip, I drove off to a nearby regional park (I chickened out on going to a park with no phone signals), I parked and with little trepidition walked into the woods. I didn't go far,  just till a spot that I had been earlier to — a quiet little spot where you could walk to the stream — and found a mossy rock that was going to be my comfy chair for the next couple of hours or till my posterior went numb. The spot is idyllic and although sitting by the gurgling stream, listening to birds chirping in the majestic trees is something that I had always wanted to do, there was also this thought at the back of my mind that there could be a deranged killer hiding in the bush and if I were to be attacked, there would be no one to hear me scream. Mind you the thoughts were flitting and for the most of the time, the joy of reading an engrossing book in the musical orchestrated by nature in the background was pure bliss. I had time to reflect, to just quieten my busy mind, and actually to physically and mentally cool off. Streams have that ability, they are young, clear and joyous, flowing with an effervescent optimism  that is a perfect prescription to lift the spirits of this middle aged body and mind. 

An hour into my mini sojourn, a call from my kids inquiring as to where and how I was, was all I needed to realize that they defined home and I was still needed. This was all the affirmation I could have asked for. My short spurt of independence assured me that I would be okay by myself and somehow in that woods, all by myself, I felt less lonely than I had been in a long time. The fresh spirit of the stream was all I needed to rejuvenate - at least till next meltdown.