Empty Nest

Have you ever stood under a sky full of stars and wondered at your insignificance? In my case, looking up at the sky is always a revelation, a reality check. The thing about life is that it is so uncertain, yet here we are with all our silly plans, postponing our happiness for tomorrow. Lately, I have been going through this malaise called "mid-life crisis". It is more common than you would think. It is when you reach half way through your life span and look back and wonder what you have done with your life.. It is a realization that maybe all is not lost, and life could still be different. It is the urgency of time ticking by  and a sense of loss.  When I meet young adults, just starting their life, there is a tinge of despair, a feeling of nostalgia for time gone by. The realization that I  have passed that stage, that all that is in the past, and even if I wanted to, I could not rewind the clock back, leaves you with despair. I understand a decade from now, I would be looking at the current phase with longing too.

Once you are in your mid -twenties, you invest in your career and if you are lucky a happy family. What no one ever tells you is that along with being rewarding, building a family is all consuming too, as it should rightly be so. The years from when your kids are born, till the time, they are sort-of independent, flies away at times in a haze. I am not a sentimentalist, I rarely look back at old photos,but the truth is dawning on me that at present I am more dependent on my kids for my emotional needs than they are on me.  They are starting to step out in the world and will need me time and again, I know that because I am fortunate enough to still lean in to my parents. But for now my role is to lurk in the shadows , be the safety net while they learn to trapeze through life.

I would be lying if I said that adapting to this  pre-empty nest  stage is easy I had happily lost myself in this journey of being a responsible adult. I am in the process of rediscovering myself, trying to fill in the vacuum. I have waited long for this phase, to reclaim my time as an individual, yet I feel despair, with my role as nurturer, disciplinarian, and at times maid, being replaced by a friend that lurks in the background. I am lost for now, trying to reinvent a life- to create a life beyond kids, to adapt to a new phase in life. 

 

Mr. and Mrs. Lobo

What makes a story interesting? Is it the drama, is it twists in the plot, the characters or just the message that's  uplifting enough? Everyone has a story to tell - each one of us has one that may be inspiring to others, or may just bring out emotions that were long thought to have disappeared. Stories that stay with us, are ones that stir the core of our emotions. Characters as complex and as flawed as we are. I for sure don't want to hear a story that is all glorifying - humans are flawed, they are twisted and contradictory and that is what makes us interesting. My earliest memories are of my childhood in a still developing suburb in  Bombay and emulating Enid Blyton's Famous Five characters. A child's imagination knows no bounds and we would go out to a lake (pond?) and the slums beyond in search of solving a crime. Finding evil where there was none, sharing ghost stories at a nearby graveyard, stealing roses from a next-door-neighbors garden, and one time stealing a quarter from my mom to buy a snowcone. The last one didn't have a happy ending. Lesson learned, that life is all fun till you get caught.

I have special memories of growing up in Mumbai - School was in the same compound and my school friends were just a shout away. When I close my eyes, it seems that if I was ever carefree, it was there. My room was a balcony covered to make a makeshift bedroom, no car, no exotic vacations, a black and white TV coveted by neighbors, one channel and a few odd good shows.  Living in a colony of apartments, you cannot avoid people. I consider myself an introvert, yet as a kid, my memories are about the people who shaped my life.The apartment or flat as it is called in India, right across from us was owned by Mr.and Mrs. Lobo, Names haven't been changed. When you live in small spaces, you run out of options to avoid people. When I think about it, I remember crossing the passage to go to Lobo aunty's house almost daily. Now that was my first encounter with the western living. Mrs. Lobo was from Goa - a big lady who wore a gown or Caftan most of the time. I had mussels at her house for the first time, caught a whiff of English song on an LP player, and saw the nativity scene during Christmas at her house. She introduced me to the western culture. I loved her and I am sure she loved me too. Mr. Lobo was a colorful man and being shy as a kid, my memory of him is limited to his bright Hawaiian shirts- which was a contrast to my dad's boring plain white. The Lobos were childless -and their house -spotless, still evokes pleasant memories. When you give someone with heart, you don't just gift them a thing, you are passing on your love. The dress that Mrs. Lobo sewed for me 35 years ago - overnight apparently, is something that I equate with love. I am certain she charged for it, but for a 9-year-old kid, it was a gesture that has stayed on over the years.  

I did go back to visit the colony some years later, but couldn't meet the Lobos. Last I heard, they had moved back to Goa. There are people who shape your life, at times unknowingly, people who inspire you to be a better person. A child's heart and eyes perceive the good in others. My parents might have a different opinion about them, maybe they didn't like the noise we made, or something else, but I am happy in the memory that I have of them.

Feeling Alive

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These days, I am struggling to bring coherence to my thoughts, trying to make sense of living.  Although  one thing with a busy life is that you have no time to stop and analyze your thoughts and overthink. Days turn into week and weeks into months. Pauses give rhythms to music, spaces give words meaning, and being alone to reflect on our day, gives our life meaning. Keep going mindlessly without a pause and before you know it, you will wonder where the time went and if you could have lived your life better.

There is a feeling of restlessness. Just like the embedded splinter that keeps on niggling you - not a  pain, not an ache, but a sort of uneasiness that makes you wonder about your presence on earth. You want to reevaluate your life, maybe wonder at some of the decisions made, maybe just wonder if you are being truthful to yourself. Or to be more precise if you have the courage to be truthful.

These waves of uncertainty don't last for long, this self-doubt, this feeling of uneasiness, of feeling that you are not where you ought to be, fades away in the shadows, re-emerging time and again, only to be shooed away into darkness.

There can be no living without expression of emotions. We love, hate, feel angry, kindness, pity, and fear, among other emotions, expressing it only how we can. Sometimes we go through all these emotions within a short period of minutes and many times all the seemingly conflicting emotions at once. Emotions that are supposed to move in exclusive circles, seem to be happy to mingle with each other, all to our utter confusion.

Life is orderly, we are chaotic. We make living exciting, we color our world in our unique way  with moments of joy, pain , love and at times just indifference. You create your reality, you create your life. You create moments, you create your memories. You decide what to put the spotlight on  and what to throw away in the dumpster of your memories.
Yet this lethal cocktail of emotions is what connects us to our fellow beings. We can see the flaws, we can empathize and secretly we all are glad that we are not the only ones out there trying to come in the grips of reality.

 We need each other to survive, to grow. Our connections, mental, emotional are  all tattooed in the very fabric of our soul. Every connection, however, fleeting becomes a part of our being. We can change and grow and let life take us where we are supposed to be, or stagnate and stop living. We can be brave and face the truth or continue to live in lie for others. Whatever we do, however we live, that is our reality, that is our perception of life. 

A dash of magic

How do we know when to quit,when to slow down? Life seems to go by faster as you grow older. I have wishlists, unfulfilled dreams about places I want to visit, desires to meet people who will make me look at the world differently, to experience all the flavors in life, to just explore. We all want different things in life - some want to accumulate wealth, some knowledge and some experiences and some just want to lead a life in simple appreciation and meditation. There is no right or wrong way of living, only right or wrong reasons for the paths we choose in life.

We venture out on our own in our late teens, armed and molded into what our parents want us to be. Very few of us are fortunate enough to know what they want from life at that early age. Most of our dreams and life path have already been chalked by our parents - consciously or sub-consciously making our lives a by-product of the lives our parents dreamed of.  Ultimately we end up just proxy living, or just existing, squandering away the opportunity to experience life as uniquely as we can.

Where is life?  In our breath, in our memories, in others memories? If life is all about moments, and every moment is past, what is real? When I look back, the highlights of my life are random moments when I was present, not just the milestones. We are composites of not only our genetic makeup and upbringing, but also every person, every experience that we let touch us emotionally. A hug, a smile, a glance, kind and loving words, all collected and assimilated into our very core being.  I am not what I was a year ago - we all change, we have to or we stop living.

Life is magical, I want to dream of magic - every snowflake, every sunset, every cloud formation, every breath  a miracle. Scientific facts and reasoning is all fine, but at this stage of my life, I want to experience life  through the eyes of a child - looking at every incident of life with wonder. As we grow older, there is a tendency for drabness to set in - with all our responsibilities, and just the day to day activities to exist. We all need a dash of magic, of wishful thinking, of dreaming of stars and far away lands, Dream of fairies, of powers beyond our understanding.

A healthy dose of escapism never did harm anybody. Some take to mind altering drugs,some to fantasy books. some turn to music or movies, and some take repose in their imagination - day dreaming. Looking at our day beyond our work, bills, relationship issues, is how we discover life.

Quest for happiness

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know " Ernest Hemmingway.  

Is there a perfect recipe to life?  Am I just slipping into a meaningless life? Can I enhance my life experience more? Questions that come to haunt me time and again. Logically a happy person, should not be questioning  his/her lifestyle, They should be too busy experiencing life to question and wonder. But here I am. I consider myself to be a fairly happy person. I know I live a blessed life, and not a day goes by when I am not thankful.

Yet on the same note, there are days, days when my head is not engrossed in problems of the day gone by, when I question my ability to live the life to the fullest. An anxiety attack, a bad day at work, a twinge of loneliness, all triggers in my journey to look deep down and question my life and if it is what was mean to be.

There are people, vivacious and genuinely jovial people, and then there are serious souls like me. We question, we think deep, feel deep and hurt deep. Life cannot be without a meaning. Everything needs to have a meaning. I find that as we grow older, as the kids start weaning away emotionally and becoming their own person, we need to find new purpose in life. We tend to  reevaluate our life.

The nudging thought of not having done enough, of having to prove myself, of feeling that I could be doing more, all the ingredients to destroy a perfectly content life. Life is meant to be lived in the present, and we are just where we are supposed to be. Simple isn't it? And also the truth. Yet the mind can play games of not only discontentment but also question the reason for our  very existence. There is no reasoning, only questioning.Questions with no easy answers, questions that I wish didn't exist.

The wave of existential issue fade out, when the day to day living take over. And then in the battle of day to day survival, living becomes hazy. 

Parenting an adult

The long nagging sessions are  finally over.I am at peace. All the futile lectures, all the threats, the blackmails in the name of discipline coming to its natural end., culminating in a responsible adult. First phase of parenting a child giving way to parenting an adult.Our conversations have evolved this summer from my "you should do this", to discussing  his favourite band, or a book he would like to read or my take on his favourite TV show.. Our relatioship has evolved - slowly over the years from a nurturer to a friend, from him beng a dependent, to in many ways a productive contributor to the househole.  Ambitious first generation immigrant mom had given way to a westernized open-minded it is your life mom. And I am loving the new changed dynamics.

To give you the background, my son is quite like me - we are both dreamers - although my ability to dream was lost in the process of growing old, his seems to have taken wings as he grew older.The fodder for both has been books.After all the  Mills and Boons are as real as the fantasy world of dragons.. As parents, we have the desire to protect our kids, to ensure their  success and at times we go to ridiculous lengths to do so. In my enthusiasm to guide my kids to a better life, brighter future, I forgot that we are different personalities and  generation apart. Somewhere in the process of growing up, my two year genius (every parent fantasizes that), blossomed into a regular confused  hormone infused teenager.

The transition from being a doting parent, trying to impose my idea of success and good life on my son, to being a friend  has not been  easy and to be honest I am still in the process of learning to trust his decisions. But there have been few grains of truth that I am trying to clasp in my fist.

1. Give respect to receive respect - a simple rule that applies to all relationships, works here too.
2. Listen. Period. I have always been so busy trying to impose my thoughts on my kids, trying to imbibe values, that along the way, I stopped listening Listening and empathizing makes you a good friend
3 And as with every adult relationship, give space, set boundaries and have fun. You can breathe now - your kid is alive and healthy and an adult.
4. Life is life - tough, easy, unpredictable. Let it reveal itself to them. Don't let your cynicism trickle down to them. Let them exerience  life in their own unique way.
5. Finally, their success, their failure, their heartbreaks, will hurt you more, even rendering you helpless. You will be  questioning  your own ability as a parent, you will in reflex want to just reach out and solve their problems, don't. .Let go. It is their life. You are the safety net, but they have to trapeze through life on their own.
6. Don't stop showing and telling that you love them. Love unconditionally.

So here I am , not defeated, but defintely wiser, because last time I had a ""talk" with my son, it was more on the lines of - life is too short, but take time to fnd your passion and don't forget to have fun. In the process of his journey to discover his true passion, I hold on to the secret, that I hope to find my passion one day too.

Clueless

"I have no idea" or another version of the same phrase, is the phrase that I have learnt to embrace. When you have teens in the house, this is the most often phrase, and sometimes, the only words that tumble out . Any question, any opinion, and the answer is a version of the same - I don't know. A phrase that frustrated me , has become a mantra for me. I have grown into the phrase, learnt the true meaning of living .. maybe I do have an idea.

Navigating this journey of life, does any of us have any clue about literally anything? Here I am 45 years of learning to live life to the full potential, still clueless, about my purpose in life.Either my kids have taken after me, or I am still stuck in the teenage zone. But  on a serious note, isn't it the perfect way to live,without a road map, without a clue, without any agenda, being open to all the possibilities in the world. 

Maybe this the route to happiness - to nirvana. To be clueless - to have no plans ( I detest plans), to just live life as it unfolds, one day at a time. Maybe life is not meant to be figured out. 

We go through phases of life, small successes, giving us the confidence, magnified failures jolting us back to how the universe has its own agenda that doesn't revolve around us. I have been surprised, disappointed, reached a point of despair, where nothing really mattered and yet  have bounced back, like so many others,  beaten and molded, but not broken. And how we respond to  these insignificant successes and failures, defines our personality. Our empathy stems from our failures - without our disappointments, we would all be arrogant fools.

Maturity is an indication of knowing who you are, yet there are some of us, still trying to figure out our purpose in life. We age, we grow maybe wiser, with time softening this restless feeling of not being where you are supposed to be, this nudging feeling of wanting to explore.

There is one interesting thing about people who are unsure about who they are, they are always trying to figure out their purpose in life, they are so busy discovering aspects about themselves, they have no time to settle down into something familiar Yet time and again in this search for self, in this search for purpose, I realize that maybe I am just supposed to be a participant. Take whatever comes my way, just enjoy the ride. No expectations, no disappointments.